Dec 31, 2012

Sayonara 2012

{this post was supposed to be auto-posted on New Year's Eve}



What can I say about this year?! Whew......I am so glad it's over! I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days now. I should have taken a hint from karma last New Year's Eve that this year would not go so well. Every new year brings the spark of new ideas, new goals, new plans, new hopes and new dreams. This year felt like a total nightmare if not for the grace of God and his strength that got me through it all.
January was pretty typical, I think we only got one snow day the whole time we were in school. February rolled around and my dad went into the hospital mid month and it became a touch and go situation with kidney failure and other diabetes complications. I was seriously very afraid I would lose him and I wasn't ready for that. He ended up staying in the hospital for about five weeks and another two weeks in a rehab hospital. Finally, he made it back home but he wasn't entirely out of the woods for the rest of the year. 
Bill and I started back into counseling. Married life wasn't so.....merry. I am not ashamed that I have a marriage counselor and I love her so much. She is a wonderful person and she really helps me figure stuff out. Bill had been off work since Christmas of 2010 with back pain and ended up having a second surgery in February. The stress of our finances almost pulled me under and I had to come to the terms that our debt problems were not going to be solved within a matter of years. We decided that filing for bankruptcy was the only way out. I can say that I felt a lot of shame and even though most of our friends and family don't really know this, it is quite embarrassing. I have learned a huge lesson when it comes to money and I told Bill we will never have another credit card. Not even for "emergency" situations. It just doesnt' sit well with me to owe creditors. After all this, I took over our household budget and I make a spreadsheet every month and pay as many bills online as I can. It's so much easier and faster. I don't like sitting down and writing a bunch of checks that you have to wait for to clear. We are in a much better place now and I have to say that even during this difficult financial challenge, we continued to tithe to our church. It was a real test of faith that God would meet our needs. I have no doubt that if I had quit tithing, we would be in worse shape than ever.
March and April were filled with lots of challenges, although I can't quite remember exact details. Work and life in general will keep you busy. I almost felt like a zombie through these months. Now I realize it was just a matter of surviving the storm.
At the end of May when school was over, I went around to different schools looking for a job. Hoping that the big retirement number in Wilson Co. was large, I would get something. I called and left messages, stopped by, sent numerous e-mails. I had to trust that God would find me a job.
In June, Grant went to Boy Scout day camp and we made our first trip to Church camp. That was a disappointment and I don't think we will be returning. That bums me out because I came to accept Jesus at Children's Church camp when I was eight. Maybe we will try again in a couple of years. We swam and enjoyed ourselves. I made a list of lots of things to get done around the house. Eight weeks breaks can fly by like nothing.
July 1st marked Grant's eighth birthday. We took him to Holiday World for two day of fun and excitement. I hope G only remembers the good parts of that because Bill and I weren't doing so well.
July 4th is when my life began to unravel. I had to make a decision to confront Bill about addiction...for the second go around. If you have read any of my previous posts during July and August, you know how tumultuous it was around here. Amidst all this chaos, I had to come to terms with myself in regards to having any more children. I never thought in a million years I would only have one child. I wanted at least two, maybe three but God had different plans for me. I had my own pity party in the basement, broke out in the ugly cry, prayed that God would help me understand all of this. in mid-JulyBill went into rehab for 30 days and missed out on a lot of stuff.
I spent my 35th birthday with my boy and my best friend made me a rainbow cake. She knew I needed one if at least to eat! Thanks H!
I dont' think I have ever experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil than during this period. Along with the start of school, I practically begged God to make a job appear. I needed the distraction so bad. At least I thought I did. It was hard being a parent on my own. Even though I only have one child, it's still a lot of work and energy to raise a boy.
I was hoping that a position was going to open up at WAW where I work considering there were 29 third graders in Grant's class. Again, I got the short end of the stick and they hired a retired teacher right under my nose even when I went to the Principal and politely begged to let me open another classroom. It's still hard to believe and understand why people do that to others and have no second though about the priniciple of the matter. It was then, I came to know that I don't want to work there. God spoke to me on a Sunday morning and said to me that he wasn't trying to keep me from something I wanted, he was protecting me from something I didn't want. I have to hold on to that truth because I know my future isn't going to be at WAW.
Bill came home mid August and we began to pick up the pieces. It was hard, not trusting, not knowing, being paranoid, all those feelings like before. During his absence, I continued to see our therapist. She gave me "homework" and things to consider. It's a God send to have someone to really just tell everything about. No sensors, no filters, just plain out honesty. We continue to see her and Bill has his own personal counselor who specialized in substance abuse. It is not nor will it ever be an easy task to be married, let alone married to a recovering addict. We will both have issues to work on. I just want to get back to the place we were when we first married. I pray that it will happen.
I lost my precious Mamaw on September 30, one day after I left on a "me" trip to CA. I have no regrets for not being there to pay my final respects. I want to remember her the last time I saw her, kissed her and told her I loved her which was on her 85th birthday. I even fed her some birthday cake. Those are the moments I hold onto. I know she would've wanted me to stay and take care of myself. She would have said, "Precious, you go on ahead and have yourself a good time." That's how Mamaw was, she always wanted others to be happy.
Fall came and went quickly with Fall break and Halloween. Grant was a phantom ninja. He really likes Halloween.
Thanksgiving was good; we eat spaghetti and meatballs every year. A family tradition considering I won't cook a traditional turkey dinner for a family of 3. Spaghetti fun and easy to clean up. My mom makes the meanest homemade meatballs. They are so delicious.
Christmas was great. My brother came up and spent a few nights with us. Aside from all the clutter and messiness, I tried to soak up the excitement of Grant and his expressions when he opened up all his gifts.
Bill got me several gift cards to my favorite places so that was nice. I got money from the parents and I made some homemade things for friends.
I have enjoyed being home this Christmas/New Year break. I am a homebody at heart and I love just hanging out with my boys. I think that after all that has happened this year, it's time for some mountain top experiences. It's been hard,but like Joyce Meyer says, "Your worst day with God is better than your best day without Him"
I continue to struggle with all the emotions from this year. I pray that God will renew my mind, help me forgive more easily, love more abundantly, give more generously.

Happy New Year

loveyameanit
Amanda

Dec 12, 2012

12.12.12

So they say this kind of phenomena won't happen again for 97 more years. I thought I would share the highlights of my day!

Woke up at 5:30am-ish
I didn't feel so great, I think it's a culmination of just being super tired of waking up so early and the bitterness of winter coming on.
I was so busy getting stuff together for the Christmas Luncheon that I forgot to brush and straighten my hair!!! Luckily, it didn't look so bad.

Got to school, did my normal daily morning duties (sitting in a classroom "looking pretty" is what I call it!)
I took my dessert to the school library for the Bake Off contest I never win (no I'm not bitter!) heehee
I made these cookie crusted peanut butter cup brownie cookie. I made these for Craft Camp and they were a hit but I guess when you have such a large crowd of people, no one is tempted to bite into something that they don't know what's in it. Oh Well!

The Staff Luncheon food was great. I ate way too much of course but I didn't go bazerck on the desserts which are definitely my weakness. The weirdest part for me is that I felt like I didn't belong there. I have spent three years at this school, been looked over twice for a position and it felt so fake to me. I really love "most" of the teachers that work there and all have them been so kind but the administration has been dis ingenious and I can't seem to get past that.
I am working on that thought and with hope I wait for God's hand in it all.

Sorry, that was a soapbox...I'll step down now.

After school, I came home and took a nap. I rarely ever do this but I think I was still feeling yucky. I woke up with a minor headache and terrible indigestion. I pushed through and ended up feeling a little better after I drank some tea.

I met my friend for dinner and then I went to church. The interim Pastor started tonight but I didn't get to meet him.

Now, I sit here, enjoying my mommy time and watching t.v. which I rarely ever get to do either.

How was your 12.12.12?



Nov 25, 2012

Labor of Love Part II



I changed out the hardware and added my own style to it all
I love my milk glass and owl!
I plan to keep all my craft supplies in the bottom and
use the shelves for seasonal things
I am so in love with this!
The hubs said I should sell it
No Way! It was a labor of love!

Labor of Love Part I




I inherited this china hutch when my Mother in Law passed away in '03.
It stayed  downstairs in the basement FOREVER
and then I began to prime it for painting sometime in '05 or '06
then I never finished it
I was thinking about giving it away selling it on Cl for cheap
BUT
I changed my mind and decided I was going to keep it and make it look great again!

My first big mistake was priming with this horrid pink primer and not allowing
enough time for it to dry before pain int the first coat of red.
Apparently, red is a hard color to get right when mixing and
I knew it was going to be bad after the first coat.

The pink you see in the above pictures is the primer
when you add red on top of that
you get HOT PINK!
WoWSERS!
Hot Pink was not the look I was going for so I had to go back
to Home Depot and figure out if I wanted to pain it all over again or
strip and start over

I chose to start over and buy stripper
$40 later with stripper and cheap brushes
I began to strip this over fall break in Oct.
Stripping pain is a lot of hard work and a huge mess!
when the paint comes off, it looks like gooey snot
just sayin'
Grant wanted to help scrape so I let him
Always wants to help DO something!

I didn't take any pictures of the stripping part
But it took a really long time and I had to use a lot of elbow grease
to get the paint out of creases and corners

Oh and I forgot to mention that I took off the smal spindles you see
I filled in holes with wood putty and let dry
after stripping and cleaning it all of
I had to sand it!
AGAIN, a lot of work and time
I had to sand with 120 grit first
all over
then go back and sand with 220 grit paper
When it was all sanded down
she got one more good washing with water and
I let it dry for a couple of days

FINALLY
my hutch was ready to be painted

Go to Part II to see Before?after
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Oct 8, 2012

cali

I guess I should post something before everyone thinks I've dropped off the planet....well I guess the handful of people who I know read about my boring life.
We start the 2nd week of Fall Break around here. I love the school system we are in for that reason alone....oh, and two weeks in the Spring! Love that whole modified year round thing-y!
Heather and I hosted our 2nd Craft Camp on the 29th, it was a blast! Go HERE and you can see her pics! I was a lame-o and didn't shoot anything. My photography skills are lacking! By the time we wrapped all of that up, I had to rush home and change my clothes and get to the airport for a 2:50pm flight to SoCal! That's short for Southern California....just an FYI :D
I told Grant man that I was going on s Scrapbook retreat and yes, I know we are not supposed to lie to our children but he wouldn't let me live it down if I told him where I was actually going! One of the perks of having family work for the airlines is that if there are any open seats in 1st Class, they put you there! I was really fortunate to get First Class to Dallas where I changed planes and then right as I got comfy in coach headed for LAX, the gate agent ushered me up front to First Class. I felt special, honored, relaxed! They served a yummy dinner and I had a little bit of wine to ease my rushed nerves. The weather in CA was hot but nothing like here in TN. I spent all day Sunday at Disneyland with Melody and Angela. That was wonderful, no agenda, no cares, it was fun just being there with them. We spent Monday in downtown L.A. at Doctor's appts. My "sister" Susan is having neck surgery in a couple of weeks and she had to get some pre-op stuff done. When we left the last Dr.'s office, we went to a place called The Grove. I've been there before, it's like an outdoor mall, very high end kinda stuff, a little bit awkward for this Nashville girl. We ate a late lunch at Cheesecake Factory, went thought a portion of the Farmer's Market (to die for Heather!) and then meandered over to Santa Monica Blvd to pick up cupcakes from a notorious place called SPRINKLES. Yes they were good but truly if I want a good homemade cupcake I go to this place! We headed on back to the house and chilled. We did some shopping and I got to indulge in In & Out burger which again, also a great hamburger joint. Wednesday was kind of a slow day and we ate dinner at a place called the Lazy Dog cafe which was yumm-o! I have to say compared to restaurants around here, CA has a million more choices than we could ever imagine! I had a red eye flight back to Nashville so when we finally got off the ground @ 11pm, I tried to sleep but really dozed in and out of conciseness, no First Class this time, but there was a seat between me and the other person so it was all good!
I landed in Nashville at 4:30am and I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be. I came home and crashed for a bit. There is a two hour difference and I feel it every time I come home. I know it sounds really crazy but each time I get on a plane, I feel so much closer to God and when I saw the sun set on the horizon above the clouds, it just makes me almost want to cry looking at the glory of God's handiwork. It's just amazing to me.
Well, this last week of break I'm working on finishing up a china hutch that I painted the wrong color, had to strip and now I'm at the sanding stage. I am also cleaning and pressure washing the deck to get ready for a stain. I will be pausing a few times for fun and Grant and I are on marathon of UNO games. He loves beating me!

Sep 25, 2012

random=ness

I haven't blogged in awhile. I certainly haven't been using my fancy pants camera either. I don't think I've picked it up since May. I guess I can attribute that to the circumstances of the pst few months.
I am still job hunting, DAILY! I pray fervently for God to open up a different opportunity for me meanwhile, I do what I can to make a difference in a few students. One student that I am so concerned about was in my RTI group last yeaar. This year he's in 5th grade and I can bet hewas already failing the 3rd week.I can't for the life of me figure out his issues. He's very disorgancized and I offered to tutou him for $10/hour. That's dirt cheap but his mom has yet to call me back to schedule anything. As concerned as I am about him, I won't be chasing parents down to tutor their kids. The saddest thing of all is that there has to be proof that he's failing in order to receive SpEd. I think that's crazy but I'm not the rule maker. He doesn't have a clue what he's supposed to be doing. He is in survival mode. I pray for him and hope that the school psychologist will be able to get some answers. I'm just mad as heck that it has tken 9 weeks to figure out he's not prerforming at grade level. I for one as a parent can't imaging having a child who is in this situation and not wanting to do something quicky and fervently to get the help my child needs. This is the part of being a teacher that truly frustrates me. The responsibility of parents to ensure that theri children get a decent education has been overshadowed by coddling them and their kids that they are just too precious to push higher expectations on. Even if I wasn't a teacher, I would still be very involved in Grant's school work. I am so blessed ad thankful that he is one smart kid and school isn't a big frustration for him. I know we aren't perfect parents but surely we should all agree that we can help our kids be succesful no matter what extent we have to go to. Okay, I'll get off my soapnox!

In other news, I am spoiling myself in a few days and going to CA.! I have to keep it on the DL so Grant doesn't find out or he'd have a hissy fit. Not I only do I need some time to myself but I deserve it with all the crap I've been through. But first, I have to do Craft Camp and I just can't wait! I love this idea and I love that I get to do this with one of my bestest friends in the whole world.
Speaking of bf's, she is having a baby soon and I decided why not "try" to make a blanket for the budnle of sweetness! I started and finished my first quilt top and now I have to baste it and bind it. Almost sounds like I'm cooking something. I can't wait for the finished product. I think I have found a new form of therapy. Quitls!
When I get back from CA, I've got a list of "to-do's"for fall break including some time fro fun. I can't believe how quickly fall has come and right around the corner is Christmas.
Well, that's it for now I suppose.

Sep 8, 2012

Saturday

Bill took Grant off to Bible Quizzing this morning. This opened up a window for me to clean my little heart out around this place. Every time I think my house is a complete disaster, I make myself feel better by watching an episode of Hoarders. Now that.....is crazy!
My house is cluttered, I know this but there are 3 adults and 1 child living in this 1200+sq. feet house. I can't tell you how many times I have cleaned Grant's room while he's "out" and today was no different. The kid could probably win an award for the most Lego pieces owned by an 8 year old. Legos and I have a love/hate relationship. Yes, they keep him busy but he leaves them everywhere. I try not to fuss too much, unless I step on one and then I'm perturbed. I spent about two hours trashing, cleaning, and re-organizing. I took out a utility table that I was hoping he would use as a desk but ended up being a catch all for all the Legos. It looks really good now, but it won't stay that way forever. While I was working away, I had this grand idea. I started making a list of all the activities Grant could do whenI hear those two annoying words...."I'm Bored". I made this list and as of now,there's about 14 things on it for him to choose from. Cool huh?!
I have been catching up on all the laundry, my mom swept and mopped the floors and vacuumed. I took things up and down the stairs to the basement. Found homes for all the staples we bought at Sam's Club last weekend. Stripped the beds and changed the kitty box. I'm still not done but I had to sit down for a bit because my bones are hurting.
I think Bill took Grant to the TN Vols game. It wasn't that big of a match up so tickets are probably pretty reasonable. Grant has never been to a game so I know he'll be excited.
Tomorrow is church and then I will probably come home and do nothing!! This week at school will be a bit different. I have to go to a workshop type thing on Monday and Tuesday is Parent/Teacher conferences. I have a few appointments on this day so that's nice I have one day to get that done. I will be pretty busy the rest of the week so I'm looking forward to a shorter one.
Well, that's all for now.....c-ya on the flip side!

Sep 4, 2012

nothing about nothing

I just finished mowin the backyard and I am thoroughly disgusted with the landscaping around my fence. I just hate all those weeds, vines and kudzu! I want to be one of those people at Lowe's on a Saturday morning and have that yard crashers guy ask me if I need a backyard makeover! Yes Please!!!!
I am beginning to wonder how much it would cost to get all that killed, removed, whatever it takes. Ever heard of kidzu? I neve knew what all that stuff was until I was watching a show that discussed weeds. I figured out tht tthis is exactly what I have in my backyard and it grwos like a monter. When we first moved into this house, the tree in the back corner was tiny. Now it has grown about 50 ft. high and the trunk of it has grown into thechain link fence. Also, my the neighbor has some sort of vine that is choking out the tree limbs on the tree. It's disastrous and I hate it! I wish I could do it all myself but I know it would just frustrate me and it wold be totally worth it for someone else to do it and removeall that garbage.
oh well, just cmplaining about nothing.....I guess!

Aug 28, 2012

a Message

Romans 8:31 MSG
"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:  They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Aug 26, 2012

a small revelation

  1. God isn't punishing me for NOT giving me what I want
 
He is protecting me from what I don't want!
 
 
Thank You Lord for speaking to methis morning!

Small miracles

Today I stayed home from work which isn't like me because I consider myself to be a hard worker. All this job situation stuff has just about pushed me to my limit. But I had a little bit of good news on the financial front.
Let me preface all of this by saying that I have been giving tithes to to my church for a really long time. Recently I caught our tithes up & letting go of a substantial amount of money can be somewhat of difficult thing to do. But, scripture tells us to test God on this and see if he won't pour out a blessing so big, there will not be room enough to hold it. Today was a blessed one because I called to find out why the dentist for Grant's dental work had not come out of my account. The lady at the office said that I had a zero balance and insurance mus'vet paid the rest. Hallelujah!
Another instance was when Bill realized that his account had been overdrawn due to the fact that I couldn't get into it (a result of his maniacal behavior in July). He realized that his account was overdrawn and he went to the back and they took of $65 of overdraft fees off of the balance.
Just those two little miracles are due to God's ability to provide for me when I least expected it.

In essence, the lesson is that when you give God back what was His to begin with, He will always make sure you have what you need and not just in a financial sense.
If you don't tithe, you're really missing out. Missing out on how God can be so wonderful!

Aug 22, 2012

Psalm 34.18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm34:18
 
 
 
Today, I am brokenhearted. More than ever before, I feel so defeated. It's one thing to say that God has plans for you, it's a whole different story when you actually have to believe Him and trust that He really knows what He has called you to do. My spirit is broken and I don't know what actions to take. It has happened once again. I have been passed over for  teaching job, hoping that this fall would bring a position open for me to fill. The crappy part of the whole thing is there is a compete lack of professionalism and courtesy. A lack of concern for someone's well being. I truly can't understand or comprehend how people can live with themselves when they choose to do something that they know is morally and ethically wrong. A person whom I really trust said to me yesterday that one day I would see God's hand in this and Thank Him for his providence. I am going through so much emotionally, it's only by God's mercy that has kept me from losing my mind.
The other side of all this is that I know I have to find somthing else. What that is, I don't know.
That's where the trusting continues.

Aug 14, 2012

~a NON semi charmed life~

Life around here is far from charming, let alone semi-charming. I hate to complain but writing what I need to get off my chest helps me relieve all that stays in my brain. Bill has been in treatment for 25 days. I can now empathize with military wives. Except my situation isn't as noble as going to war. I have had some hard days especially with the start of school. I would've liked to be setting up a classroom and finding joy in my career but everything seems to be at a stalemate.
With all honesty, I can say that having Bill not here is double edged sword. The good part of it all is the peace of knowing that addiction isn't roaring it's ugly head around here making people and situation even more difficult. The worse part is being responsible for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G! It's been really hard to squeeze in "me" time. Once I again, I can empathize with single moms too.
I also have a lot of fear and anxiety about how things will settle in and work out once he does come home. It' going to be very awkward to say the least. Especially due to the fact that he has to rebuild trust. That's a biggie, ya' know?
I also have to continue working on myself and how I react to him and his behavior. I think he'll find it shocking when I don't cater to him much any more. I though I was being a loving wife but instead I was just enabling him to be an addict.
Aside from all of this, I am so unhappy with my job situation. Everyone says "It'll come..." Being patient and waiting is hard, especially since it's been almost two years. I have looked and looked and e-mailed and gone by schools and there hasn't been one thing to come up. Why? Why? Why? I have been praying that God will lead me to a different opportunity, something I can really put all of my talents in. I get so frustrated and disgusted watching some teachers take for granted what I know I could be doing and teaching kids with a passion. I have so many ideas and nowhere to use them. It really stinks. I get that God has a plan, and maybe he wants me to spend years wondering like the Israelites so I get the point somehow and I know that it's all in His timing. I just would like for him to give me some wisdom into a time frame. I know I can't really expect that from him but it sure would be nice.
I try very hard to gulp down my pride and self consciousness but I feel like my job is meaningless. Knowing that my degree hasn't been used in it's full capacity is utterly aggravating.
Okay so I'll stop moaning and groaning for now. I just had to vent!

Jul 30, 2012

Jehovah Jireh

Okay, so I'm trying not to worry, not to fret, not to over analyze, not become paranoid, not become distraught but here we go beginning the school year once again and I am "classroom-less"! I feel like I'm the last EA standing after two years of waiting for a job to open up. IF I get passed over again, my self confidence can't take it and I will have to move on somehow. I say "I wish....." all the time. I wish this and that. BUT it never turns out like I'd like for it to in my imaginary world.
I am going to start my prayers for now with Jehovah Jireh. I will call him by this and repeat back to him the promises he has given me in his Word. It is only HIS peace that can pass my sense of  understanding. It is so hard y'all to really and truly trust God in all his infinite wisdom. I am prayerfully waiting for God to open the doors or lead me to another profession. Keep praying for me! Thanks!

Jul 28, 2012

Saturday

So, I have been busy! That's a real good thing around here. My mind stays busy and therefore less time to think about the chaos. It's all good b/c God has it all under his hand.
Bill has been in treatment for a week. He called and wanted to see if Grant & I could go up to see him but it's a very long drive and it would take all day Sunday to accomplish that. I go back to schoolwork on Monday and I do.not. look forward to the 5am alarm clock! He sounded disappointed but I have to focus on what my responsibilities are here and he has to focus on his.
Grant went to spend 3 nights at Camp Patrick. He is my brother and he adores Grant. It was good for him to get away and hang out with another guy instead of his dear old mother. While he was gone, I did a lot of catching up. I cleaned and cleaned. The oven, the microwave, the floors, got rid of a cabinet, the old swing set, moved the buffet, cleaned off the bar and buffet, the only thing I didn';t get to was cleaning out the fridge. Maybe next weekend or a weeknight.
At the moment, I am priming and painted a china hutch that belonged to my mother-in-law. At one time, I wanted to get rid of it but I have kept it for nine years and it collected a lot of junk and dust, and cobwebs. One of my goals this summer was to paint it and bring it upstairs and make it my craft supply hutch. Like the ones you see in those Country Living magazines. So I went to my favorite hardware store and got my supplies. I'll be bringing you pictures soon.
I had a job interview with the principal at the top elementary schools in the county I already work in. I was hoping to hear something by Friday but the county has placed a hold on hiring teachers until all the numbers of students are finalized. It's quite a crazy situation. It makes me wonder if this is how it's always been?
I have peace about all of it though. No need to fret or be anxious because my God has it all in his plan. He knows my needs and I trust him to supply all I need.
So, that's all from my corner of the world. Have a blessed Saturday!

Jul 20, 2012

short term relief

I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do never knowing I would ever have to do it. I drove Bill to a treatment center for his addiction to alcohol and drugs. No "normal" wife wants to ever say to themselves or others that their husband is an addict. It is what it is. Can't hide or deny it, no use or purpose id doing that. I think it hit him slightly what his behavior and actions have caused. I didn't mean to sound heartless when he said 'this is going to be so hard" and I replied, "It needs to be hard!". I have so many emotions and I'm at expert at stuffing them deep down but I also I have to stay calm and controlled for the sake of my son. Oh my sweet baby, he never asked for any of this. He had to witness his father become so cruel and angry and for that , I am sick over it. They say kids are resilient and boy do I hope that holds some morsel of truth. I told hm he can ask anything he wants and I promise I won't get mad or upset. I am also resisting the urge to parent out of guilt but my goal is to keep things and activities light and less burdensome. I told him we would stay busy and spend some good time together.
The only part of driving alone that I like is being able to listen to my iTunes and worship God with music and praise. Music can be very healing and it can bring some hope and faith to this girl who lacks both sporadically. It's also a good remedy for telling the devil where to go!
This is the first day of a long journey that will bring up a lot of emotional baggage. My duty as his wife is to be in prayer for his recover and for God to mend all these wounds. I have a lot to work on with my own issues and I know that I will have to take some responsibility for my own actions. I get that. Well, it' getting late and I'm spent. For now, I have a little bit of peace and some rest from all this craziness.
Keep up the prayers!

Jul 18, 2012

Sadness & Hope

Don't ya just hate it when suddenly a thought hits you so hard & you break into an ugly cry? That's what happened last night. I went to bed exhausted but then my brain switches over to my heart & the sadness I am carrying just overtook me. I'm sure one day all of this craziness will become clear & the hurt, anger, resentment, and mistrust will slowly fade. But for now I just want the life I had 5 years ago to return to me.
Never in a million years would I expect to have to deal with addiction this close to me. I am so heartbroken and I have so much emotional work to go through. As if I didn't have enough stress & pressure dealing with finding full time employment, a disabled father, a "homeless" mother, an outspoken strong -willed child, I get dealt the cars of addiction!!! What gives?!
I feel like I could be on the brink of a nervous breakdown!?!?!
BUT there is only ONE hope for me & I know to some people it's a cliche' but
GOD is my only HOPE! If he can die on the cross & endure ALL that he went through for me & everyone else surely, with His help I can overcome this mess.
So when the waterworks come suddenly & I feel so alone, I go to my ABBA father & ask him to get me through this.
If you don't know Jesus as your personal savior, You are truly missing out!

Jul 17, 2012

today

Today, I am thankful that ALL of the bills are paid with the exception of the cell phone (which I have to gfind a way to get rid of my phone,it's costing way too much money). I am thankful for my friends who have called me or texted me or send me FB messages. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful church family who truly cares about me and loves me and are praying for me. I am thankful that God has given me the abiliy to NOT be helpless. Everyone says "you are so strong", yes, I guess so but I am that because God is bigger in me than he who is the world. Thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement. It truly means the world to me!

Jul 14, 2012

stop the bleeding

I know that God is using this terrible period of my life to teach me something about Him or myself. Not sure which of the two. Finally, I think the bleeding (not literally) has subsided, at least for a short period of time. I think between my mom and I, we convinced my husband that he needs serious help with his addiction. I am just bewildered that it took 7 long days of pure hell to get him to see that a handful of people cannot be wrong about his delirious behaviors. I am still fighting with his "right" to be "right". It's all become one big pile of rubble! **Thank you Kelly Minter***
How can I be used to help my husband become the man that God wills for him to be. The man I married in 1997 has changed so much and not for the better. I know and I accept the responsibility of my part but I have a very hard time being the only person he blames. I have asked God to show me where I have been wrong and where in my heart and soul do I need to let go and let God. I know that one of my biggest obstacles is my lack of compassion and understanding. I truly hate that. I know that God is going to have to deal with me on that in the coming days. My biggest and number one problem is anger and hurt. I am schocked by his abusive words and actions. He is still angry with me for opening a new account and putting what little money we had in a safe place. He has accused me of spreading lies and being deceitful. I have only tried to be truthful. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT! It's so hard to be reasonable with someone who is so self absorbed and under the influence of pain medication. It's the craziest thing y'all! I opened my foolish mouth again tonight and of course the finger pointing begins and the blame game so I just had to leave. I knew thee wasn't a point to continue to argue and go in circles of guilt ridden accusations. I am still not exactly sure how I'm going to deal with all of the pieces. If there's one thing this whole situation has forced me to do, it has been to take one day at a time and to keep some sense of normalcy for G-man.
I was out and about yesterday by myself before the great awakening and the road I was on was 2 lanes. I heard sirens and saw two black vehicles pull out behind me. Realizing that a long line of cars were following them, I knew it was a funeral procession. I pulled over into a nearby Church parking lot and began to sob. This scene I was watching could be ever so real in my life if I didn't try to get help for my husband. You don't think things like this happen to good people, but life is short and things can change on a dime. I was so saddened to know tat someone in that long line of cars had lost someone they loved and you don't get a do over. It's surreal at times but reality checks in often. I am continually asking God to speak to me concerning my future and the future of my family. It is overwhelming and I just want my husband to get the help he needs and to take responsibility for all of his actions All I know to do is ask God to "steady my steps" and "to let no inequity have dominion over me". Show me Lord , ever day, my inequities so that I may purge them and ask for your mercy.
God will fight for me! I know He will! He gives me strength from day to day!

Jul 12, 2012

surviving

It's been almost a week since I confronted Bill with the truth. Unfortunate to say but I am still so cofused. It's the fight between the heart and the head. I have to just keep praying to God for him to help me take the baby steps to clarity. I have had a lot of anxiety lately and scheduled to make an appt. with my Dr. but it's going to be another week and a half!
I am anxious to see my marriage counslor. She is on vacation. I have so much on my mond that is distracting me tremendously from what I would like to do. Fear of the unknown can really make a person nuts! BUT every second, every minute, every hour, every day, I ask God for HIS strength, HIS guidance and wisdom, HIS mercy, HIS peace.....nothing on my own.

Jul 8, 2012

shattered dreams

Everyone, well, most everyone has dreams for their lives. I have dreams and hopes for my future but right now the dream for my life has been shattered. I never in a million years thought that I would have ever to say and admit to myself that my husband is an alcohol and drug addict. I am at a complete loss and I am still in so much shock from the events that have transpired in the past 48 hours. I feel like I have been made a fool of. I feel like I have failed as a woman, I feel like I have failed my son. I feel ashamed and guilty and confused and hurt and angry and embarassed and worthess.
Let me take you back to the spring of 2009. I was still in college, actually, I was student teaching. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was addicted to prescription pain killers. He stole medication from a family friend who takes it for a terminal illness. I had to find out the hard way and I felt like the rug had been torn out from under me. He went to 2 weeks of rehab, not enought time looking back now. He attended some AA meetings but those became few and far between as time went on. I was forced to attend a family "meeting" at the facility where he was and when I left I told him I would never walk through this with him again. How much do you stand by and take? How long do you stay in "sickness and health"?
How much is too much? Fast forward to this spring and the signs of alcohol and drug abuse are becoming more apparent and yet I want to believe that he is not drinking again. on top of pain medicine that is being prescribed for back pain. Well, that's a whole other blog post.
I had suspicions of alcohol use. He was sneaking it somehow. He though he was being crafty and mixing pink lemonade with pink lemonade vodka and actually believing that I wouldn't figure it all out. Addcition is a nasty monster that will tear a family apart and leave no person unharmed. The real victim in all of this is my baby boy who now has to deal with divorced parents. One day he will ask me, "Mom, why did you divorce dad?" and I will have to explain it and for that I am sick over! I know I have not been the perfect wife, I know I can be demanding, I know that sometimes I can bitch about the dumbest things but I can you tell you for certain that all I have ever treid to do was to be a good wife, take care of my house and raise my child. I pray daily for forgiveness and for God to reign down mercy on me and to protect what little I have.
I had a dream that my life would be filled with babies, and a home with love and devotion to God. I had a dream that my husband would go to the end of the earth to take care of his wife and provide for his family. I dreamed that I would have a spiritual leader that would go to any lengths to protect the innocence of our children. All of these dreams and mnay more are dissipating right in front of my eyes. Addcition has killed my dreams.
So, I sit here on a Saturday night at midnight, thinking of a new plan for my life. Not what I want or need for my life but only what God can do for me. Even through the hurricanes, it is an absolute must that I stay focused on myself and my child. I am all he has.
I knew there was coming a day that I would have to accept and mourn the dream of having more children. I knew it would be coming down the pike. It happened last Friday night before Grant's 8th birthday. I mourned and sobbed and went into an ugly cry. But now, it's all clear to me. I know that Grant is enough and there isn't anything that is written in stone that says I will never have more children. Only God knows the answer to all thoose mysteries.
When a person has to deal with an addict, you are talking to someone who has real problems. It's impossible to have normal coherent converstaions with them. I have to ward off the temptation to get caught in those verbal traps of he said/she said crap. I never believed this would happen to me. I have to start over. But, better now than 10 years from mow. Better now to protect what little of Grants innocence there is now than 5 years from now.
I grew up way too fast and knew way too much about worldly things. No eight year old on this plaet should have to hear the words "gay" and "queer" and ask what those mean. I have asked repeatedly of him to watch what he says around Grant and he acts like I am some psycho purde! I'm trying to let my child be a child!!! It's not rocket science!
So, I guess I have come to a new chapter. One that I didn't want to start. I am going to be 35 in a matter of days. I have been going through this hell fo six years. I think I have done my time, put in all the effort, sought all the counseling, made every attempt to save this from going under and yet the grip of addiction is bigger than me. I can only take one day at a time and ask God to guide me in each and every step. My only obligation is Grant and to make sure he is safe, secure and loved. The only way that I can truly express my feelings is through this blog. I don't want to be a fake. I want to become the woman God has ordained me to be. I remember not too long ago going to the alter at church and crying with sobs and anguish that I just wanted God to "fix" him. The bad part about all that is that he has a free will. The need for him to use is bigger than his need of God and his family. He says he loves me but does he really? Love is never supposed to have this much pain.
I am strong, I will survive, it's my boy that I worry for and have anxiety about. I just wanted him to have a great dad and who's to say that Bill can't turn this around and change his ways for him. But as for me, I have walked through this hell long enough. I ask if you read this, pray for me fervently and especially for my Grant who only wants parents who love him. Dreams are shattered but life will go on.
Goodnight!

Jun 28, 2012

Thursday

Well, June is pretty much over! BOOOOO! which only means July will be gone in a flash and school will come back into session! Those words evoke quite a bit of anxiety in me but I try to just stay prayerful and trusting in God's will.
Yesterday afternoon, my car died! Grrr! This morning I called a tow truck guy but he strill wasn't here by 12pm, so I called AAA and got someone else here in 25 minutes. Hopefully, the car repair place will have her up and running late this evening or first thing in the morning. I have an appt in the morning and a lucch date with Lillian tomorrow.
We are going to Holiday world for Grant's birthday. It's going to be SUPER hot and I'm trying to figure out ways we can stay cool. They offer free soft drinks but that isn't going to keep us hydrtaed very well. I'll let ya know how that works out!
I went to two doctors appts yesterday. I had an orthopaedic appt to get cortisone shots in both my hips and then waited a little over an hour to see my Ob dr. That was fun! NOT! I have to go back in the AM for an ultrasound on my dermoid cyst. If it has changed any, she will want to take my whole left ovary out. Not quite sure how I feel about that yet.
So today, we are hanging out at home out of the blaring hot sun and I have been trying to work on our budget and keeping Gman happy.
That's all from my corner of the world!

Jun 17, 2012

thought list

*VBS
*job hunting
*friends
*home stuff
*refurbishing hutch
*home repairs
*swimming
*turtoring
*organization
*budget
*menu plans
*cleaning
*laundry
*eye exams
*doctor appts.
*ministry
*sprittual growth
*forgiveness
*surgeries
*health


Jun 10, 2012

random

WoW! it's been a while since I last posted anything. Been a little busy 'round here. School ended for G on May 31st but I had to go June 1st. I took a half day because there was no reason for me to stay there and twiddle my thumbs. I had a lot of other things to do than sit around and twiddle. LOL!
The first week of June called for Grant going to Cub Scout day camp. The theme this year was "Cub Boom", Scouts investigate science. I did not volunteer my leadership this year and I sure am glad. I was getting things ready for a yard sale. Every day, I had a scout friend pick up G with her grandson and another scout. I agreed to pick them all up and tote them home.  Much easier on me!
I had a yard sale on Friday and Saturday and as always, I was exhausted. It's a lot of work but it can be a toss up when it comes to making any money. I did pretty good. Enough money to cover this week's expenses for church camp.
Tomorrow, Grant & I head to Children's Church camp. I know he's excited. I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't really know what to expect. I haven't been to church camp since I was a girl myself.
Saturday night we went to bff's house for her gender reveal party. I was the honorary secret keeper. I can keep a secret of any kind. I have always been a great secret keeper. Shoot, I still have secrets no one knows! Don't we all?! But this was a good secret. It was fun to watch her and her family open the box and their reactions to the new that they were having a girl! It was really cool!
So, it's off to the wild unknown. Maybe if things don't get too crazy I can blog a few pics of camp from my phone.
later!

May 20, 2012

end of the year neccesaties



This is my school bag.

Contents:
magazines, notebook, calendar, bills, resume, applications, prayer journal, Nicholas Sparks book


It's that time of the school year where I pretty much have to scrounge around for things to do. You see, it's the end of the school year and my RTI sessions have pretty much ended and I have to brig things to do. I hate NOT being busy. This is exactly why I need a full time teaching job. I am so ready to prove myself. I want to have my own classroom and begin to make a serious difference in the lives of young children. I feel like God has been priming me, humbling me, preparing me and expecting me to have complete faith and trust in his will. It's been hard, it's been tough, it's been painful at times but I know I am ready to shine. After all, this life is meant to shine...that's why I named my blog of the same likeness.
There are eight days of school left and I know summer is going to fly by. It always does. The first couple of weeks is going to be really busy. But that's okay too. I like being busy. I have a lot of to do's and I want to make Grant a real priority. I want to make great memories for him. I want to feel relaxed and productive. I'm ready but I'm not. 


May 12, 2012

Teacher Appreciation Gift

I know ti's is a late post for Teacher Appreciation but this past week at my own school was hectic and I didn't get to finish Grant's teacher's gift until Friday morning! I love his 2nd grade teacher. She and I are a lot alike as far as our teaching beliefs and styles. She is an awesome teacher! I made this cute little mini scrapbook made from unused library cards and pockets.


I actually cut out the apples from the die cut machine at school and they worked perfectly!
I found a stack of the "old" library book check out cards in a file cabinet at work.
I asked the librarian for some pockets to put the cards in.



I snuck an opportunity to take pictures of each student and then had them write their name under the "AUTHOR" and a note of thanks to Mrs. Jones for different things. Grant thanked her for letting the class go outside at the end of the day before dismissal.
He's normally a very photogenic guy but for some reason he has a bizarre expression on his face.
Silly Kid!
I punched holes and put book rings on it and a smidgen of ribbon for cuteness!
She loved it!

I Love You Crraft for MOM!

I wanted to share with you a few pictures of my Wolf Cub Scout boys working on a gift for their moms. All of "my" boys have moms except one who lives with his Nana so I told him to make it for her and write "Happy Nana's Day" on the back! This boys are fun to be with most of the time and other times, they can just wear me out! The bff pinned this project on Pinterest so I made the Scouts my Test Group. They seemed to really have like it and it took the whole hour of our meeting.

I love how hard they working. I was a little nervous about letting them hammer their own nails.
They have a knack for using things appropriately.
That's a 2nd grader for you!






Grant had a hard time hitting the nails hard enough to stay but luckily I had a very helpful scout who was finished first and went around to help the other boys. Isn't that what Boy scouts is all about!?



Some put their " I Love You" at the top or bottom of the wood and either way,it's really sweet!


Happy Mother's Day, Friends










May 7, 2012

~weekend getaway~

It's pretty sad when life gets so busy and finances get so strained that going out of town for a weekend seems like impossible. I had to think about the last time Bill & I went away by ourselves.....it was 2007 when we went to Seattle for a wedding....Grant was 3!  He's going on 8!
Because our marriage has so many complexities and issues, we knew it would be necessary to get away from all our stresses and just chill out together. So we finagled a plan to go away to Gatlinburg...a quaint but busy tourist town nestled amongst the Great Smoky Mountains. I felt a teeny weensy bit guilty for leaving Grant behind but I've always been a firm believer that you have to take time to nurture the marriage. Before there was a G, there was A&B.
Here's a few pics....


The view from the hotel balcony...


Rocky Waters


I can't even remember the last time we ate at Pancake Pantry
It's so yummy....expensive....but yummy!
the pancakes are "to die" for!
Look at all that butter!





I always like going into Aunt Mahalia's Candy store
they make really tasty taffy!

Ok...hot and fresh caramel corn is a weakness of mine!
so much so, I bought a  whole bucket
I brought some home to share though
see, I'm not greedy!


I have a fascination with tall people...I mean I know I'm tall, my brother is pretty tall but when I see someone taller than me, it just fascinates me. Here is a life size replica of Robert Wadlow at the Ripley's Believe it or Not! museum. He actually stands up and sits down. It's just really cool to think that God can create someone like that!


We went to Pigeon Forge later on in the day on Saturday. I didn't take my camera b/c it's too heavy to tote around. I went to the scrapboking store and picked up some sweet scrappy goodies!
We ate dinner and came back to the hotel. Bill and I went to sit by the pool becaus not a soul was there! I read a lottle bit and browsed Pinterest on my iPad while Bill watched a movie on his Kindle Fire. It started to get buggy so we went back to the room. We woke up Sunday and headed out of town but first we stopped at two gigantic flea markets. I bought a couple of rings made from silverware! and finally scored two otr of three old pie pans for a project I want to do and a milk glass goblet. It was a nice relaxing weekend, one that I needed desperately.
I felt like I had actually gotten some rest and felt rejuvenated.

Now, I wait for summer....


18 days of school left...but who's countin?

Apr 29, 2012

{Craft Camp}



What a fabulous day! The idea that we dreamed about back in February finally came to fruition! Heather did a lot of the grunt work and I am so thankful that she's a SAHM and has those privileges! Together we wanted to create an experience and and an atmosphere where crafting meets meaningful. We are all trying to watch our bottom dollar and we knew we could come up with crafts that even if one craftier might no keep for themselves, they could give it as a gift that came from loving hands! I love getting homemade things for gifts, it means that someone thought of me and that goes a long way. We dreamed big and we had 14 fabulous crafters! We wanted them to come and relax and let us guide them through the various projects.
The craft I loved the most was the scrabble tile necklaces! It was super fun and the girls created so many cool tiles! They inspired me in so many ways! Speaking of inspiration, Heather and I decided we are going to do a Craft Camp Jr. in June. We are workign on some great crafts that kids can make that will be an expression of their creativity. We are hoping for a full house and I think the kiddos will enjoy it!

Finall, I want to say.....
Thanks Heather for being my crafty sidekick!
You're the Best!
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Apr 20, 2012

Ms. Flexibility

...yep, that's me, Ms. Flexibility. I have filled in, covered, subbed, bridged the gap a lot this week at school. I hope someone notices?! it's all about Team work right?
I made a decision NOT to enroll in classes for my M.Ed. I had an overwhelming panic last weekend and my intuition said "not now" and so fort the first time in my life, I dropped out :)
Maybe in a couple of years when my life isn't filled with so much stress and pressure from outside influences.
I have already sworn to myself that I am going out of town the weekend before my birthday. I am going to go spend my middle age birthday in peace and quiet and no one better call me for anything!
This weekend is Cub/Family at Boxwell and the boys are there now. I will join them in the morning and spend some time out there. I am in no mood to camp,, especially since it's supposed to rain thru the night. Speaking of, I gave my notice that I will not be returning as a Den leader next year. It's not fun for me anymore and it has begun to negatively impact my relationship with my son. I need to take the back burner and just be a supporter
 I just want to go back to basics with all facets of my life. I miss the simplicity of things. I pray to God that he will give me the wisdom to get back into a place where I have peace. One day I might reveal it all here in this forum but for now, things in life are pretty tough. Being faithful, obedient, forgiving, compassionate, patient, etc. has a been a real challenge the past six months.
*stay tuned

Apr 11, 2012

busy as a bee

I am worn out! Summer: Please come soon! I need lots of sun and Vitamin D! I had a Dr's appointment Monday to see an Orthopaedist for my six month long hip pain. Both hips have been hurting and I have been in physical therapy since January. The doc diagnosed me tih bursitis and I was so happy that it wasn't anything more serious. I got a shot of cortisone in both hips and I yelped for my mommy! It hurt but not in comparison to my hip pain. Today I have felt a big difference and I am so glad I went. The only downside is that I can't exercise for awhile until the bursitis calms down.
My dad finally got to go home on Tuesday. He had been in the hospital for four weeks and rehab for two weeks. It was nice to see him greet all his friends and get settled back in to his apartment.
I had a fabulous haircut from my favorite beautician and dinner with family was great on Tuesday night
Today was a half day of school for the kid so he went home with Grammy while I stayed at school and worked on some stuff.
I had to go to Trevecca this afternoon and take the MAT as a requirement for Graduate school. The passing score is 378 and I got a 373. Oh well, not too bad going into it not knowing what to expect and didn't study a lick for it. I gave up stressing out about tests like this. It does no good and it doesn't make a difference to me whether I pass or fail. I just don't put much weight in the test anymore. I know I am smart and I don't say that in a conceited way, I just know that I'm smarter than the average bear...LOL:D
I am looking forward to a long break but I also have lots on my own to do list. I am still on the hunt for a teaching job and have a couple fo ladies at church looking over my resume and offering suggestinss on how I can improve it.
Stay tuned!

Apr 4, 2012

5001 and an update

So my page view number says 5001 people have read or visited my blog....but no one ever comments so I'm thinking it's just a bunch of Spam visitors. Anyway, I wish I had more time to blog and post awesome pictures but if you walked a day in my shoes, you would totally understand.
School is almost over...ahhh, that sounds good! I love summer, I mean I really love summer....I love being off of work, having no plan or scheduler or routine, just doing whatever the day brings. I think we aer going to skip out on Nashville Shores passes this year and stick to the Big Y. It's exhausting walking around a water park all day and they don't let you bring your own food in. At least at the Y, there 's a place you can take your cooler and have a picnic lunch. I like going to the Y pool right when it open  or a few hours before it closes. You can avoid the day campers that way.
I have been feverishly looking for other teaching jobs. I get this feeling maybe an intuition that my time at the present school is finished. I can't say for sure but God has it all worked out anyway.
I applied for five positions in another school district and have e-mailed a couple of other principals. It's always been a wait & see game anyway.
I have several things going on next week. I have an orthopaedic appt. on Monday to get a second opinion on my hip pain. This has been a very frustrating problem for me because it affects my ability to get things done swiftly. I used to be able to walk and walk and go up and down stairs repeatedly with no pain but now it's a different story. Something has to give, I hope the Dr. can really pinpoint the problem and help me get some relief.
My dad is still in a rehab hospital but he supposedly gets released on Tuesday which so happens to be the most inconvenient day as far as my schedule is concerned. I have a hair appt and I WILL not cancel b/c it takes too long to reschedule. I also have another appt at six with my most favorite psychologist. Yes, I am in therapy...if you walked a day in my shoes, you would totally understand! I am not ashamed to even say that b/c believe me if I didn't have that, I might end up being seriously loco.
I'm in the process of applying for Graduate school. Yes, I am a sucker for education. I love learning new stuff. I will keep you posted on this. We'll see....
I gotta get off here, I have a PT appt and hopefully I am going to swing by Kmart & look to see if they have some urns like the ones I got last year.




Mar 25, 2012

mental health day

Today I have declared for myself a "mental health" day. It's unlike me to skip out on church but I got permission from the big Man, well sorta, I think He understands especially coming out of the week I just endured.
This past week has been filled with more drama than I care to ever experience again. It seems like the more I tell myself that I hate drama, the more it keeps appearing in my life. Just when you think you know someone, they make choices and tell lies that reveal who they really are. I have had to find out things that have made me so mad and frustrated disappointed and sad. As I sit here today, I am pretty much done with the two people who caused a lot of commotion and upheaval. I don't plan to interact with them anytime soon.
We have a temporary house guest until Friday. Bill's dad had drama with his alcoholic roommate and is going to find another place to stay. On the flip side, my dad was going to be moved to a rehab facility on Wed. which was the worst of all days for me to be somewhere because I already had a full day of appointments. 
I got to my dad as soon as I could to gather his belongings before they moved him to another facility. I was so busy on Wed. that I forgot about going to PT and that is so not like me either. Later that day, my brother called and said he was in the hospital too. I told him I would try to come by but he's at least an hour away. In the meantime, I am searching for a van similar to mine, oh yeah, I was dealing with insurance to get a check so I could purchase another vehicle before school starts up again. So I got the check on Thursday and we had to drive all the way to Cool Springs to get it cashed b/c my bank puts a five day hold on that amount of money. Luckily, we were going south to Murfreesboro to see my brother and look at a van, it just took forever to get all of that done. Thursday night brought a small reprieve from Cub Scout duties and they all went bowling. We ate a late dinner with fiends and that was nice. Friday, I spent the day getting things ready for a church Spring Fling for kids. Thinking we were going to have about fifty kids, I ran around to a bazillion Dollar General markets looking for plant trays for an outdoor craft. Anyway, I spent about 3 hours Friday night, putting candy bags together, decorating and organizing all the details for Saturday.  I spent most of Saturday at the church putting the final touches on a fantastic fling for lots of kids and then it decided to rain for a good thirty minutes and about fifteen kids show up. WOW! don't think I'll do that again. I always feel cursed when I try to plan stuff like that, Oh well, you live, you learn.
I came home after all that and cooked the first dinner this month, I think. I just wanted to be home and do what I wanted to do. So today on the last Sunday of March, I declare a metal health day. I am using this day to do what I want to do and NOT what everyone else needs from me. A friend of mine told me this week that I need to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of me first. It's much easier said than done but I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to say no and not feel guilty because others can't accept no from me either. Tomorrow we all go back to school and resume our weekly routines. I just feel jipped that this Spring Break wasn't anything like I wanted or needed. I hope people will take their drama and leave me alone. I miss my drama free life.

Mar 19, 2012

it's all random

Well, it's Monday....again!  I woke up about 8:30am, that was nice. I had plans to really clean out some drawers.....all kinds of drawers but instead I did some straightening up on my buffet. I have a cabinet downstairs in the basement that have been wanting to pain but I recently discovered chalk paint not the chalk paint that most people think of but if you go HERE to this girl's blog, she has a couple of tutorials on how to use it. You can also go to this WEBSITE and look at some really cool stuff. The only downer is that the only stockist around is either in Hendersonville or Brentwood. I can't promise myself that I will get her painted but it's still on my radar list of things to do.
I just finished mowing the front yard and the hubs versed me on Weed Whacking 101. Weed eating is not my thing, the machine is heavy and debris from the ground hits your legs and causes nicks on your skin. With the hubs down in his back, it's gonna be up to me to do the yard work. My mom will help me too. She likes to weed whack : D. I put my patio furniture back out and dug out the pillows from storage. Oh yeah, that's another thing on my list of to do's. The deck needs a serious pressure washing and stain and sealed. It's been about 5 years since it was last done. I like the pressure washing part b/c I like seeing the dirt and grime bust away from the washing. It's gonna be the stain and sealing part that I won't be fond of. After I did all that, I made some lunch for the fam and later I have to go into G's room and flip his bed over because now we have another house guest.
Bill's dad lives with a crazy drunk psycho roommate and she went crazy psycho on him this morning so he's going to stay with us for about a week or so. *SIGH* drama is NOT my friend!

In the evenings, I have been doing some crafty stuff. Right now, I'm sewing some pillows for the bff but she's in FLORIDA! I know she's having fun and I'm happy for her. I like to sew, no, I love to sew, it's therapeutic but the one thing I hate is threading the needle! Geez that takes me forever and my needle threader has been misplaced. So anyway, it's fun to sew stuff. I found a pattern on line for a cute summer purse so I think I will try my hand at that.

I finally heard from the insurance company on my van. They arent' giving me what I though I would get for my van but we have a small cushion in savings to make up for it. I HATE car payments, in fact I hate even the thought of going car shopping. It's a pain in the butt! I hate dealing with dealers and I don't trust previous owners b/c you never know if they are telling you the truth. So tomorrow it looks like I will be going to get all my stuff out of my old van and looking around for a new vehicle. I loved my van, I could hold so much in it but it was a hooptie. Things were breaking on it, different things annoyed me about it but the fact that it was payed for superseded all of those annoyances. I am thinking I will get another van but not sure yer. Gas prices are killing my budget.

My daddy-0 is still in the VA hospital. They are trying to find an occ rehab place but it's taking forever. He's been very needy lately and I don't mind helping him out but going downtown a few times a week is hard on the gas meter. I hope they find something for him soon.

I have been thinking about my future career choices. It looks more like the school I am at now probably won't hire any new teachers. I don't even know if God truly wants me there. I am trying to not worry about it. I went to an informational meeting at Trevecca the other day to get some info on a Master's degree. The one they offer that I was most interested in was all on0-line. It last for about 15 months My thought is that if I don't get a job, I could work on my degree and sub or do an interim somewhere. If I'm not teaching then what will I be doing with my time? get my Masters seems like a great idea. I'll keep ya posted.

We're thinking about joining the Y again this summer and skipping the season passes to Nashville Shores. It seems like it might be easier and we can still take our lunches and eat without having to leave the pool,  After this week, there are only 10 more weeks of school! I can't believe it!

okay so I gotta get off here and get some more stuff done.....see ya'!

Mar 12, 2012

So....Mondays

Sometimes I love them, sometimes I hate them....today was the latter, not the former....
Why? because I'm getting up early on the first week of SB (we get 2 wks. where I teach) and teaching third grade Intercession. It's okay I guess...the kids aren't terrible or anything, it's just the getting up early part I'm not so in love with. The check will be nice especially since Granty boy needs some spring/summer clothes.
Anyway, after all that this morning, I came home to clean out my van which I banged up in a rear ender so I could take it to the body shop for repairs. They guy said he could only do an estimate on the outside and wouldn't be able to tell me the amount of damage under the hood until he got it into the shop. He said that insurance usually won't pay for repairs if the amount is at least or over 75% of the value of the van. So there's a possibility that they could total it and I would have to get another clunker. I hate car payments so I would have to get something with the money insurance would give me for the value of the van. I had an appointment in Green Hills for a B12 and I had to go to Best Buy to return a camera..(more about that in a minute). So Bill and I were on our way when BOOM! I was trying to change lanes and hit a stupid piece of debris...well, a big huge stinkin' piece of debris. Bill said it looked like a big muffler of some sort. So anyway, it busted the tires and bent the H*#*$ out of the rims on the driver side. I wanted to cry but no tears would come. I was in shock, embarrassed, and felt like a complete idiot. So I had to call and cancel my appt. while Bill called AAA to get a tow truck on the way. I just added more money to the auto repair bill. So the tow truck gets us, brings us to Mt. Juliet to the Discount Tire store. They have to order new rims which costs us about $250....TYJ for emergency fund.
So while we were at the tire store, we walked over to Best Buy because they were on my list of to-do's. Back in Jan. G-man dropped my "big girl" camera as the bff calls it and I took it to them to be repaired b/c luckily I purchased a warranty on it Well, last week the Geek Squad called and said the camera was unrepairable (is that even a word?) Sooooo, I got me a brand new spankin' D5100 which is the same camera they loaned me while I was waiting for mine to be repaired! Yay for me....except I really needed to buy an additional warranty so I shelled out the money for that b/c look how good my last warranty was! So now I have some reading up  to do on my swanky new camera....I have a feeling I will love her as much as I loved the last one!
So the day was crappy in more ways than others, I guess you just gotta roll with the punches that life throws at ya'.

So....how was your Monday? please tell me it was better than mine!

Mar 4, 2012

get your "Craftiness" ON!


Go to the Craft Camp Facebook page and see all the grat crafty projects we will be doing!
Tell your friends about us and LIKE us on FB!
If you live in the Middle TN area or have family/friends nearby, tell them too!!!

tt's going to be an awesome crafty day!

Feb 27, 2012

Craft Camp is HERE!



My friend Heather and I are putting on a CRAFT CAMP!!!
We were up late one night crafting at her dining room table and the idea started brewing.
We got ourselves so excited!
We love to craft and have fun and we want to do that with all of you!!
Craft Camp is a full day of laughs and fun.
It's a girl day out.
A day for us crafty girls (or crafty wanna be girls) to hang out and have some fun.
Fun away from housework and hubbies, kids and responsibilities.

WE WANT YOU TO COME!!
It will be TONS of fun, I promise!

Heather and I have come up with FIVE crafty make and takes for the day.
These are beautiful home projects, accents, and accessories!
They also make great gifts!
You can see all the projects and get Craft Camp updates on the FaceBook Page.

We will have everything you need.
Plus extra embellishments so you can make your crafts your way!!

We will get started at 9am and craft together til 1pm.
Break for Lunch and then the church will be open
for FREE craft/ crop/ scrapbook time for YOU to enjoy.
So bring all those pictures that you want to get on paper!!
During the free time you will have access to cricut machines and we can all share our stamps, inks, and cool tools!!
It will uber fun!

Only $30 for a FULL day!!
Please come! We would love to have a packed house.

Free, cute, yummy afternoon snacks FREE from Studio 206.
There will be a homemade box lunch available on Craft Day for purchase.


PLUS:
(there's more)
The FIRST TEN people to register will be entered to WIN custom sugar cookies from Studio 206!!!
So go register NOW. You can also see all the cool crafts we are making on the Face Book Page.

Here's how:
Pay your registration fee on PayPal Craft Camp Account using craftcampfun@gmail.com
"LIKE" Craft Camp on Facebook....and message us that you payed and want to come!!
Let us know what monogram letter you would like and if you will purchase the lunch.

We can't wait to see you there!!!!!
And bring ALL your friends!!
Register HERE!

Feb 23, 2012

heavy heart

One thing that's for sure in our lives is that we don't get to choose our parents.We don't get to choose our version of "barbie" and "ken". We get what we get and we can't throw a fit. Well, we can throw a fit later when we realize our parents could have done better or even just did the best they could. I say all this because my heart is heavy for my dad. I'm having a hard time coming to grips that I will lose him to this life and have to mourn not only for his absence but his legacy of poor choices. I just can't quite understand or have peace about the sequential choices of his short life. He's not physically dead yet but his characteristics and traits that I grew up with have been dying for several years now.
At the moment, he's in the hospital with complications of diabetes and obesity which has ultimately created kidney failure.
I don't really know what is going to happen to him. I'm trying to grasp the idea of his absence. It seems so unnatural to think about losing a parent. They give so much of themselves and sacrifice a lot to make sure you have what you need and they are always on your side no matter what. My dad and I have had conversations about his death and funeral He says he only wants to be cremated and no services. Then later he said I could have a memorial for him.  Honestly, I don't know what I will do. It's hard to fathom it. It's painful to my senses that I might have to face his mortality in a way that seems so unfair.
When I was a child, I feared my dad. He was gruff, firm, overbearing at times, and drill sergeant like. I always went to my mom for everything. I knew my dad loved me. He made dinner for us, helped us with homework, fixed stuff for us. He went back to college when I was a young girl. Trying to make himself better. As I got older, he seemed to become more lenient of my tween behaviors. I think that had to do with my parents divorce and the slight possibility that he felt guilt over a failed marriage. I have several memories of him being a single dad, trying to make his kids happy even amidst all the dysfunction. From the age of fourteen and fifteen, I wrote a lot of letters to my dad. I had been dealing with so many leftover emotions and memories that were too painful to speak about in person. I went to live with him and my brother when I was 16 and that was the beginning of a new chapter of our relationship. I was sort of thrown into the role of homemaker. I was cooking, cleaning, and running errands and helping out in general. I didn't mind it so much, probably because he became even more lenient and I pretty much got away with murder, so to speak. We had our disagreements and fights. I think such high expectations were placed on me because I was the one most similar to my dad's personality. I have common sense and street smarts and I don't take a lot of crap from people. I guess that can be bad or good, depending on how you look at it. As I became adult and eventually a mom, our relationship changed again. I was no longer his baby girl who always looked to him for advice or guidance. I am now my own person, with my own ideas, my own ways of doing things, my own opinions and I can be quite vocal with all of that when it comes to conversations with my dad. Just in the past couple of years, we have butted heads on the issue that I don't spend enough time with him. When in actuality, I spend as much time as I can especially since the burden is on me to travel to see him. If I had all the time in the world, I'd see him once or twice a week. I am a super busy and I try as much as I can but even that is not good enough for him.
So here we are, possibly looking at the end of his life. I'm burdened with the thought of losing him and knowing that I can't just call or see him. My heart is heavy. The only power I have is prayer. I just have to pray and even when my words aren't there, God knows my heart. He knows each tear I cry and hears me when I call.