Sayonara 2012

{this post was supposed to be auto-posted on New Year's Eve}

What can I say about this year?! Whew......I am so glad it's over! I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days now. I should have taken a hint from karma last New Year's Eve that this year would not go so well. Every new year brings the spark of new ideas, new goals, new plans, new hopes and new dreams. This year felt like a total nightmare if not for the grace of God and his strength that got me through it all.
January was pretty typical, I think we only got one snow day the whole time we were in school. February rolled around and my dad went into the hospital mid month and it became a touch and go situation with kidney failure and other diabetes complications. I was seriously very afraid I would lose him and I wasn't ready for that. He ended up staying in the hospital for about five weeks and another two weeks in a rehab hospital. Finally, he made it back home but he wasn't entirely out of the woods for the rest of the year. 
Bill and I started back into counseling. Married life wasn't so.....merry. I am not ashamed that I have a marriage counselor and I love her so much. She is a wonderful person and she really helps me figure stuff out. Bill had been off work since Christmas of 2010 with back pain and ended up having a second surgery in February. The stress of our finances almost pulled me under and I had to come to the terms that our debt problems were not going to be solved within a matter of years. We decided that filing for bankruptcy was the only way out. I can say that I felt a lot of shame and even though most of our friends and family don't really know this, it is quite embarrassing. I have learned a huge lesson when it comes to money and I told Bill we will never have another credit card. Not even for "emergency" situations. It just doesnt' sit well with me to owe creditors. After all this, I took over our household budget and I make a spreadsheet every month and pay as many bills online as I can. It's so much easier and faster. I don't like sitting down and writing a bunch of checks that you have to wait for to clear. We are in a much better place now and I have to say that even during this difficult financial challenge, we continued to tithe to our church. It was a real test of faith that God would meet our needs. I have no doubt that if I had quit tithing, we would be in worse shape than ever.
March and April were filled with lots of challenges, although I can't quite remember exact details. Work and life in general will keep you busy. I almost felt like a zombie through these months. Now I realize it was just a matter of surviving the storm.
At the end of May when school was over, I went around to different schools looking for a job. Hoping that the big retirement number in Wilson Co. was large, I would get something. I called and left messages, stopped by, sent numerous e-mails. I had to trust that God would find me a job.
In June, Grant went to Boy Scout day camp and we made our first trip to Church camp. That was a disappointment and I don't think we will be returning. That bums me out because I came to accept Jesus at Children's Church camp when I was eight. Maybe we will try again in a couple of years. We swam and enjoyed ourselves. I made a list of lots of things to get done around the house. Eight weeks breaks can fly by like nothing.
July 1st marked Grant's eighth birthday. We took him to Holiday World for two day of fun and excitement. I hope G only remembers the good parts of that because Bill and I weren't doing so well.
July 4th is when my life began to unravel. I had to make a decision to confront Bill about addiction...for the second go around. If you have read any of my previous posts during July and August, you know how tumultuous it was around here. Amidst all this chaos, I had to come to terms with myself in regards to having any more children. I never thought in a million years I would only have one child. I wanted at least two, maybe three but God had different plans for me. I had my own pity party in the basement, broke out in the ugly cry, prayed that God would help me understand all of this. in mid-JulyBill went into rehab for 30 days and missed out on a lot of stuff.
I spent my 35th birthday with my boy and my best friend made me a rainbow cake. She knew I needed one if at least to eat! Thanks H!
I dont' think I have ever experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil than during this period. Along with the start of school, I practically begged God to make a job appear. I needed the distraction so bad. At least I thought I did. It was hard being a parent on my own. Even though I only have one child, it's still a lot of work and energy to raise a boy.
I was hoping that a position was going to open up at WAW where I work considering there were 29 third graders in Grant's class. Again, I got the short end of the stick and they hired a retired teacher right under my nose even when I went to the Principal and politely begged to let me open another classroom. It's still hard to believe and understand why people do that to others and have no second though about the priniciple of the matter. It was then, I came to know that I don't want to work there. God spoke to me on a Sunday morning and said to me that he wasn't trying to keep me from something I wanted, he was protecting me from something I didn't want. I have to hold on to that truth because I know my future isn't going to be at WAW.
Bill came home mid August and we began to pick up the pieces. It was hard, not trusting, not knowing, being paranoid, all those feelings like before. During his absence, I continued to see our therapist. She gave me "homework" and things to consider. It's a God send to have someone to really just tell everything about. No sensors, no filters, just plain out honesty. We continue to see her and Bill has his own personal counselor who specialized in substance abuse. It is not nor will it ever be an easy task to be married, let alone married to a recovering addict. We will both have issues to work on. I just want to get back to the place we were when we first married. I pray that it will happen.
I lost my precious Mamaw on September 30, one day after I left on a "me" trip to CA. I have no regrets for not being there to pay my final respects. I want to remember her the last time I saw her, kissed her and told her I loved her which was on her 85th birthday. I even fed her some birthday cake. Those are the moments I hold onto. I know she would've wanted me to stay and take care of myself. She would have said, "Precious, you go on ahead and have yourself a good time." That's how Mamaw was, she always wanted others to be happy.
Fall came and went quickly with Fall break and Halloween. Grant was a phantom ninja. He really likes Halloween.
Thanksgiving was good; we eat spaghetti and meatballs every year. A family tradition considering I won't cook a traditional turkey dinner for a family of 3. Spaghetti fun and easy to clean up. My mom makes the meanest homemade meatballs. They are so delicious.
Christmas was great. My brother came up and spent a few nights with us. Aside from all the clutter and messiness, I tried to soak up the excitement of Grant and his expressions when he opened up all his gifts.
Bill got me several gift cards to my favorite places so that was nice. I got money from the parents and I made some homemade things for friends.
I have enjoyed being home this Christmas/New Year break. I am a homebody at heart and I love just hanging out with my boys. I think that after all that has happened this year, it's time for some mountain top experiences. It's been hard,but like Joyce Meyer says, "Your worst day with God is better than your best day without Him"
I continue to struggle with all the emotions from this year. I pray that God will renew my mind, help me forgive more easily, love more abundantly, give more generously.

Happy New Year

loveyameanit

Amanda