Jul 14, 2012

stop the bleeding

I know that God is using this terrible period of my life to teach me something about Him or myself. Not sure which of the two. Finally, I think the bleeding (not literally) has subsided, at least for a short period of time. I think between my mom and I, we convinced my husband that he needs serious help with his addiction. I am just bewildered that it took 7 long days of pure hell to get him to see that a handful of people cannot be wrong about his delirious behaviors. I am still fighting with his "right" to be "right". It's all become one big pile of rubble! **Thank you Kelly Minter***
How can I be used to help my husband become the man that God wills for him to be. The man I married in 1997 has changed so much and not for the better. I know and I accept the responsibility of my part but I have a very hard time being the only person he blames. I have asked God to show me where I have been wrong and where in my heart and soul do I need to let go and let God. I know that one of my biggest obstacles is my lack of compassion and understanding. I truly hate that. I know that God is going to have to deal with me on that in the coming days. My biggest and number one problem is anger and hurt. I am schocked by his abusive words and actions. He is still angry with me for opening a new account and putting what little money we had in a safe place. He has accused me of spreading lies and being deceitful. I have only tried to be truthful. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT! It's so hard to be reasonable with someone who is so self absorbed and under the influence of pain medication. It's the craziest thing y'all! I opened my foolish mouth again tonight and of course the finger pointing begins and the blame game so I just had to leave. I knew thee wasn't a point to continue to argue and go in circles of guilt ridden accusations. I am still not exactly sure how I'm going to deal with all of the pieces. If there's one thing this whole situation has forced me to do, it has been to take one day at a time and to keep some sense of normalcy for G-man.
I was out and about yesterday by myself before the great awakening and the road I was on was 2 lanes. I heard sirens and saw two black vehicles pull out behind me. Realizing that a long line of cars were following them, I knew it was a funeral procession. I pulled over into a nearby Church parking lot and began to sob. This scene I was watching could be ever so real in my life if I didn't try to get help for my husband. You don't think things like this happen to good people, but life is short and things can change on a dime. I was so saddened to know tat someone in that long line of cars had lost someone they loved and you don't get a do over. It's surreal at times but reality checks in often. I am continually asking God to speak to me concerning my future and the future of my family. It is overwhelming and I just want my husband to get the help he needs and to take responsibility for all of his actions All I know to do is ask God to "steady my steps" and "to let no inequity have dominion over me". Show me Lord , ever day, my inequities so that I may purge them and ask for your mercy.
God will fight for me! I know He will! He gives me strength from day to day!

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