Aug 14, 2012

~a NON semi charmed life~

Life around here is far from charming, let alone semi-charming. I hate to complain but writing what I need to get off my chest helps me relieve all that stays in my brain. Bill has been in treatment for 25 days. I can now empathize with military wives. Except my situation isn't as noble as going to war. I have had some hard days especially with the start of school. I would've liked to be setting up a classroom and finding joy in my career but everything seems to be at a stalemate.
With all honesty, I can say that having Bill not here is double edged sword. The good part of it all is the peace of knowing that addiction isn't roaring it's ugly head around here making people and situation even more difficult. The worse part is being responsible for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G! It's been really hard to squeeze in "me" time. Once I again, I can empathize with single moms too.
I also have a lot of fear and anxiety about how things will settle in and work out once he does come home. It' going to be very awkward to say the least. Especially due to the fact that he has to rebuild trust. That's a biggie, ya' know?
I also have to continue working on myself and how I react to him and his behavior. I think he'll find it shocking when I don't cater to him much any more. I though I was being a loving wife but instead I was just enabling him to be an addict.
Aside from all of this, I am so unhappy with my job situation. Everyone says "It'll come..." Being patient and waiting is hard, especially since it's been almost two years. I have looked and looked and e-mailed and gone by schools and there hasn't been one thing to come up. Why? Why? Why? I have been praying that God will lead me to a different opportunity, something I can really put all of my talents in. I get so frustrated and disgusted watching some teachers take for granted what I know I could be doing and teaching kids with a passion. I have so many ideas and nowhere to use them. It really stinks. I get that God has a plan, and maybe he wants me to spend years wondering like the Israelites so I get the point somehow and I know that it's all in His timing. I just would like for him to give me some wisdom into a time frame. I know I can't really expect that from him but it sure would be nice.
I try very hard to gulp down my pride and self consciousness but I feel like my job is meaningless. Knowing that my degree hasn't been used in it's full capacity is utterly aggravating.
Okay so I'll stop moaning and groaning for now. I just had to vent!

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