Jul 29, 2013

Weekend Re-cap

WOW! it's all I can do to sit here and type out these few random thoughts. I am dead dog tired and there's so much to do to get ready for the beginning of school. But lately it seems that trivial things are not so important when compared to how close you can come to losing a parent or loved one. My dad went back into the hospital for the second time in less than 3 weeks on Thursday. I was getting prepared to have a yard sale at my house on Friday and Saturday. I had to leave Friday afternoon to make an appt. at the BOE for Metro Schools to get fingerprinted for substitute teaching. Then, I had an appt. at 3pm with my counselor, Sandy. Grant was at Lillian's trying to help her paint. I was on my way to get him when my dad called me and all I heard him say was "hospice". I just lost it. How could this be? What has happened to my strong dad? He told me a nurse would be calling me to give me some more information on what was going on and what the next steps would be. For those who read this, my dad is morbidly obese, has thirty five percent kidney function, COPD, type II diabetes, and his heart was going into congestive heart failure. These are the consequences to an addiction to food. Socially, we don't accept food as an addiction because it's something we all need to survive. My dad has been fighting and living with his addiction to food all of my life. I don't really recall my dad ever being "healthy". His obesity doesn't make me love him any less. He's still my dad. Anyway, I waited for this nurse to call me until about 6pm and then met our new church pastor at an interstate exit so he could follow me down to the VA hospital where my dad was. Pastor Seymour prayed with my dad, helped him realize that he needed to be very sure of his life after death and led him to re-commit his life to Jesus.
It was an emotional day to say the least. I went to bed with a heavy heart and so many worries about the coming days, weeks, and months. I woke up Saturday morning not really wanting to continue the yard sale. My head was still aching and I ended up falling back asleep on the couch til about 8am. My mom was here and she convinced to em to give it a go and see what happened. I had to take Grant to baseball tryouts so again, she held down thr fort while I was gone. Made it back home and wrapped the sale up around 1pm. We will try again in a few weekends. We went to the hospital to see my dad. He was breathing very hard and can't really talk for more than a minute or two without using his by-pap machine. I ended up laying next to him with my arms around his belly and cried my heart out on his chest. I told him I wasn't ready for him to leave me here. I feel guilty for all the disparaging thoughts I have had towards my dad in the past. I love him immensely but his character and personality flaws can push my buttons sometimes. We left the hospital and ended up eating at Cracker Barrel for dinner. I took my mom some of my leftovers b/c I can't eat much. We were talking on her bed and I about fell asleep. I called Bill and told him I was just going to crash at her place. Her bed is like sleeping on a cloud (if that were possible). It envelops you and it's just so comfy, like a big hug. I slept from 10pm-8am. Came home and got ready for church. Lately, I've been in a state of mind where I can't bring myself to worship God. I realize this is a terrible thing to say. Our SS class is reading this book called "Crazy Love" and it's very eye opening. I was reading it and realized that I am a lukewarm Christian. I am not where or who God has intended for me to be. I am grappling with my spiritual relationship with God and seeking to know him deeper. Anyway, I remembered that Pastor Seymour said that it's not about what we need from God, but what he needs from us. That includes worshiping him when we don't feel like it. During prayer and worship, I had to go to the alter and talk to my heavenly Papa about my earthly papa. The thought of losing my dad too soon was just unbearable. I felt so much better about the whole thing, knowing my dad re-committed himself to Christ brings peace to my mind. Right after church was over, my dad got a hold of Bill and relayed the message that his creatine levels had stabilized, his blood pressure was normal, and he was feeling a lot better. I know that only the power of praying people caused this to occur. It's amazing what perspective one can have when faced with loss of life. We are truly a vapor in the wind. We are not guaranteed another day. All we have is Jesus and he wants the very best from us. As I continue to examine my own relationship with Jesus and what it really means to be his disciple, it's easy to serve Jesus our leftovers. I have so much to be thankful for even when I'm going through a storm.

Jul 12, 2013

whining in the background

It's a quarter til 12am right now, I am beyond aggravated and can't settle myself down to go to bed.

Sometimes my life feels like I'm being "punked", like "no way this CANNOT really be happening to me!!" Nope, it happens and it always happens to me.

my life in chronological order today:

Woke up in excruciating pain, thought about crying but then I'd get a big headache and just moaned and groaned and yelped and you'd think that an old cat was being tortured.....

Called my PCP to see if I could get an appt. immediately.....nope not until July 22nd...FORGET IT!

Texted my Dr. friend Dr. C (she's always got my back) and she was going to squeeze me in around 1pm

Made it to water aerobics....needed to relieve some pressure on these old bones....it was fun haging out with Regina and Laurie.

Raced home to change, print off medical papers.....computer wasn't printing what I needed, Grant is hollering about how he can't get the DVD player to work

Got to the Dr. and all went smoothly....

Mom is moving her final pieces of furniture out of the basement and we were making space for the movers to come get the big pieces tonight.

We agreed that she would take me to church for VBS and I "assumed" she would be back to pick me up around 8:30 or 9:00pm. No big deal, right?

I sat at church with Grant and our youth pastor until 10:15pm. My mom thought I was already at home. All the while, I'm answering 20 million questions from the boy and he will not stop talking about anything....Thank Goodness Josh was there to filter out some of those for me.

We leave church and my mom said that one of the dogs had torn into one of her bags that had food in it and she didn't know what they might have eaten.  I drop mom off at her place, Grant is whining about how tired he is, what are we doing tomorrow, have I seen his so and so, etc.

I realize when I get out of the car that I left my cell phone sitting on the foyer table.
Walked through the front door and stepped in a big pile of dog poop! Just perfect!
Whatever the dog had eaten was now all over my living room floor along with shredded pieces of a plastic bag!
Grant is asking me more questions and I quietly tell him to go to bed before I lose my religion. He obliged quickly and never heard another word, no, question! grrr
Cleaned up the poo, febreezed the carpet and went downstairs to check on laundry whereupon I find a load of clothes in the dryer not yet dried and Grant never took his laundry down so it was still on the staircase!
Come upstairs, turn on the t.v. --- no go! the storm knocked it all wonky and Bill was asleep so I couldn't turn on the boobtube.
Bill gets up to leave for work, asked him to fix the t.v. and told him I was in a very bad mood
I asked him if he had taken the dogs out when he came home from VBS and of course he says No. That's why D.OG. popped in front of the door and she NEVER has accidents.
On top of all this, I can't find the only TWO phones we have in the house so I can call my mom to tell her my cell phone is at church. Bill finds the phone, I call her and she doesn't answer.

In all of this chaos, I remained calm even though on the inside, I'm seething mad

Okay, now that you've heard my whining in the background....I am going to bed!