Jul 8, 2012

shattered dreams

Everyone, well, most everyone has dreams for their lives. I have dreams and hopes for my future but right now the dream for my life has been shattered. I never in a million years thought that I would have ever to say and admit to myself that my husband is an alcohol and drug addict. I am at a complete loss and I am still in so much shock from the events that have transpired in the past 48 hours. I feel like I have been made a fool of. I feel like I have failed as a woman, I feel like I have failed my son. I feel ashamed and guilty and confused and hurt and angry and embarassed and worthess.
Let me take you back to the spring of 2009. I was still in college, actually, I was student teaching. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was addicted to prescription pain killers. He stole medication from a family friend who takes it for a terminal illness. I had to find out the hard way and I felt like the rug had been torn out from under me. He went to 2 weeks of rehab, not enought time looking back now. He attended some AA meetings but those became few and far between as time went on. I was forced to attend a family "meeting" at the facility where he was and when I left I told him I would never walk through this with him again. How much do you stand by and take? How long do you stay in "sickness and health"?
How much is too much? Fast forward to this spring and the signs of alcohol and drug abuse are becoming more apparent and yet I want to believe that he is not drinking again. on top of pain medicine that is being prescribed for back pain. Well, that's a whole other blog post.
I had suspicions of alcohol use. He was sneaking it somehow. He though he was being crafty and mixing pink lemonade with pink lemonade vodka and actually believing that I wouldn't figure it all out. Addcition is a nasty monster that will tear a family apart and leave no person unharmed. The real victim in all of this is my baby boy who now has to deal with divorced parents. One day he will ask me, "Mom, why did you divorce dad?" and I will have to explain it and for that I am sick over! I know I have not been the perfect wife, I know I can be demanding, I know that sometimes I can bitch about the dumbest things but I can you tell you for certain that all I have ever treid to do was to be a good wife, take care of my house and raise my child. I pray daily for forgiveness and for God to reign down mercy on me and to protect what little I have.
I had a dream that my life would be filled with babies, and a home with love and devotion to God. I had a dream that my husband would go to the end of the earth to take care of his wife and provide for his family. I dreamed that I would have a spiritual leader that would go to any lengths to protect the innocence of our children. All of these dreams and mnay more are dissipating right in front of my eyes. Addcition has killed my dreams.
So, I sit here on a Saturday night at midnight, thinking of a new plan for my life. Not what I want or need for my life but only what God can do for me. Even through the hurricanes, it is an absolute must that I stay focused on myself and my child. I am all he has.
I knew there was coming a day that I would have to accept and mourn the dream of having more children. I knew it would be coming down the pike. It happened last Friday night before Grant's 8th birthday. I mourned and sobbed and went into an ugly cry. But now, it's all clear to me. I know that Grant is enough and there isn't anything that is written in stone that says I will never have more children. Only God knows the answer to all thoose mysteries.
When a person has to deal with an addict, you are talking to someone who has real problems. It's impossible to have normal coherent converstaions with them. I have to ward off the temptation to get caught in those verbal traps of he said/she said crap. I never believed this would happen to me. I have to start over. But, better now than 10 years from mow. Better now to protect what little of Grants innocence there is now than 5 years from now.
I grew up way too fast and knew way too much about worldly things. No eight year old on this plaet should have to hear the words "gay" and "queer" and ask what those mean. I have asked repeatedly of him to watch what he says around Grant and he acts like I am some psycho purde! I'm trying to let my child be a child!!! It's not rocket science!
So, I guess I have come to a new chapter. One that I didn't want to start. I am going to be 35 in a matter of days. I have been going through this hell fo six years. I think I have done my time, put in all the effort, sought all the counseling, made every attempt to save this from going under and yet the grip of addiction is bigger than me. I can only take one day at a time and ask God to guide me in each and every step. My only obligation is Grant and to make sure he is safe, secure and loved. The only way that I can truly express my feelings is through this blog. I don't want to be a fake. I want to become the woman God has ordained me to be. I remember not too long ago going to the alter at church and crying with sobs and anguish that I just wanted God to "fix" him. The bad part about all that is that he has a free will. The need for him to use is bigger than his need of God and his family. He says he loves me but does he really? Love is never supposed to have this much pain.
I am strong, I will survive, it's my boy that I worry for and have anxiety about. I just wanted him to have a great dad and who's to say that Bill can't turn this around and change his ways for him. But as for me, I have walked through this hell long enough. I ask if you read this, pray for me fervently and especially for my Grant who only wants parents who love him. Dreams are shattered but life will go on.


  1. Amanda....we certainly are praying for you as you walk through this valley.

  2. Amanda, I will be praying!!!! Thank you for being so transparent. Keep trusting in the Lord. He has a plan for your life. Better than you can even imagine.