The Empty Spot

Its Christmas Eve...again.its always crazy to think and believe how fast it gets here. I was on the fence about writing a blog post only because I feel like what I say may not matter much but if for any other reason, it's a post I can look back on and remember what I was thinking and feeling. I kept thinking about a title for this post. I call it the "Empty Spot". Many of my friends and family and those that are near & far from me have an "Empty Spot". It's the space in your heart that's been torn apart when you lose someone or something you dearly loved. Loss is no respect of of man, title, position, wealth, or even fame. I know I'm not the only one that reminisces and goes into my mental file box of memories and wishes to have one more day, one more chance to change the scenario, one more word or deed to make a difference. But, we all have the "empty spot", remembered especially on holidays like these. The good news is that over two thousand years ago, God decided to send a baby boy named Jesus to fill in the "spot". I can't tell you that the spot ever really goes away, it might get a bit smaller, the edges a little softer, or filled in a little with something or someone new. That's kind of what happened to me this week and even in the months previous to Christmas. I was blessed to become a mom to Grant and he is my greatest joy (even when we fight). Then God created and sent this little girl into our lives. The short story about her is she came into my mom's foster care ten days after she was born. She was with her for 1 year and then returned to her paternal grandparents for 90 days. Even though she isn't blood, we made het a part of our family in every way. My mom petitioned for legal custody and on Nov. 6th, miracle occurred and she was reunited with us! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my body when I got the news that my mom had won custody of her. Fast forward to now, she is a full blown toddler full of spunk, sass, and smarts. She was custom made for us. As I was holding her today in church and the candles were being lit, I couldn't help but choke back the tears knowing that only God knew how much I needed this baby to fill in and soften my "spot". My heart was being filled with love and joy. So, if you're one of those people with an "Empty Spot", I know and pray that God will fill it in for you. After all, he sent Jesus to us so he could fill the world with love, mercy, grace, and the promise of eternal life Merry Christmas!

The "Emoty Spot"

Its Christmas Eve...again. Its always crazy to think and believe how fast it gets here. I was on the fence about writing a blog post only because I feel like what I say may not matter much but if for any other reason, it's a post I can look back on and remember what I was thinking and feeling. I kept thinking about a title for this post. I call it the "Empty Spot". Many of my friends and family and those that are near & far from me have an "Empty Spot". It's the space in your heart that's been torn apart when you lose someone or something you dearly loved. Loss is no respect of of man, title, position, wealth, or even fame. I know I'm not the only one that reminisces and goes into my mental file box of memories and wishes to have one more day, one more chance to change the scenario, one more word or deed to make a difference. But, we all have the "empty spot", remembered especially on holidays like these. The good news is that over two thousand years ago, God decided to send a baby boy named Jesus to fill in the "spot". I can't tell you that the spot ever really goes away, it might get a bit smaller, the edges a little softer, or filled in a little with something or someone new. That's kind of what happened to me this week and even in the months previous to Christmas. I was blessed to become a mom to Grant and he is my greatest joy (even when we fight). Then God made this custom ordered little girl. The short story about her is she came into my mom's foster care ten days after she was born. She was with her for 1 year and then returned to her paternal grandparents for 90 days. Even though she isn't blood, we made het a part of our family in every way. My mom petitioned for legal custody and on Nov. 6th, miracle occurred and she was reunited with us! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my body when I got the news that my mom had won custody of her. Fast forward to now, she is a full blown toddler full of spunk, sass, and smarts. She was custom made for us. As I was holding her today in church and the candles were being lit, I couldn't help but choke back the tears knowing that only God knew how much I needed this baby to fill in and soften my "spot". My heart was being filled with love and So, if you're one of those people with an "Empty Spot", I know and pray that God will fill it in for you. After all, he sent Jesus to us so he could fill the world with love, mercy, grace, and the promise of eternal life Merry Christmas!

Updates and a Countdown

I haven't blogged in f.o.r.e.v.e.r! I think about it often bu this summer has kept me busy and when I am not so busy, I am passed out in my bed, trying to regain my energy and capture one more night of rest to tackle the next day. 
I should've known that after being in a fender-bender on June 3rd, that my summer was going to be more than challenging at best. My father in law was hospitalized for twenty-days and came home briefly on June 20th. I had to get him placed in a "rehab" facility for more care than myself or my mom could give him. I changed his adult diapers for 3 days. He didn't go into the hospital incontinent but he came out that way. I was "miffed"about the care he got but it's water under the bridge now. His future care is always a concern in the back of my mind. I have a meeting this week with his case worker and I have recently learned he doesn't qualify for Medicaid. I really just don'e know what the right answer is. I know he doesn't have much longer to live and his quality of life is dwindling daily. I pray for wisdom in this situation. 
Before I knew it, Grant was turning 13 and I just couldn't comprehend how time has gone by so quickly. It is such a cliche' but when these milestones come around, you just sit in awe and wonder "what happened to my baby?" He had a great birthday with his friends and got lots of birthday cash which is no doubt burned a hole in his pocket. He is definitely not a saver like me. 
I recently signed him up for drum lessons and he had his second lesson today. I told him he needs to stick with this. He has to have an end goal and not just play drums just for fun. It's too expensive to be "fun". He says he wants to play in the drumline for high school and I hope that will happen which high school starts for him in one year. His eighth grade year is about three weeks away and I already know he will be anxious and won't get much sleep. He's a lot like me in that regard. I hope he gets great teachers and will be in classes with his few good friends. 
I won't go into too much detail but my mom's foster baby whose been in her care for a year, is going back into family custody. I am not happy about that situation. All I can do is pray for God's protection on her life and hope for the best. She is a doll and I will miss her. I know my mom will be grieving that kind of loss for a period of time but if I know her, she will get through it, She is strong and fierce and she might get another baby to love on and care for.
So, in a week, I say adios to my thirties. I woke up this morning with the reality that it really is coming down the pike....40! I have been in deep thought lately about this turning of age. I am definitely not where I thought I would be but that doesn't mean I can't ever dream another dream or meet another goal. I guess it's like mourning the loss of a decade that should have or could have been different and then on the flip side, it can be a fresh start to new and wonderful things. 
I have a few things planned for my birthday and that includes being around the people I love the most. 
I am ready for school to come back into session and I can begin to structure my days more consistently. Grant and I both need the routine and get back into a groove where we are not night owls and sleeping too late. 
Stay tuned......hopefully I will get back to blogging more and make it more of priority because it helps to write what's on my mind. 

Dear February

February....oh how I have so many mixed feelings about you. It's like I love you but I could live without you. This year, specifically, was embraced with some apprehension, some regret, some love, and some reflection, 

Really the only "date" I was nervous, anxious, saddened, or worried about was the eleventh. That is when Bill died. This year it landed on a Saturday. I only become weepy or teary a few times, just because G snuggled in bed with me, we had a heart to heart, and remembered the goofy things his dad was. We went to eat hibachi Japanese, in honor of Bill, and I think that helped some. 

I was amazed at myself that I didn't have an all out "ugly" cry. I think it just wasn't necessary really. I think that is a sign of growth on my part. I think we both have really learned to accept it all as it is.

On a completely different note....February was pretty decent. No horrible weather, even a few really nice warm days, which was refreshing. I even had a fire in the firepit one night, that is how nice it was. I really appreciate that from you!

And then there was Valentine's day.....uggh...I let it pass and showed love to those I love the most. That's what counts. Maybe one day that particular day will have more significance. For now, I am okay with what "it" is. 

I am looking forward to March. There are great, wonderful, and fun things coming this month. I am super excited about it. One of those is that there is a beach trip over Spring Break, and Grant doesn't know about it....yet. A good family vacation with great memories is always a good thing.

So for you February, you weren't half bad. Thanks for that. I needed a calm and quiet month. So until we meet again......

~loveyameanit~

Time doesn't heal ALL......

I have been pondering about writing this post all day. It seems obligatory that I memorialize this particular day in some fashion. So here it goes.....
Time doesn't heal ALL heal all wounds, but then there's Jesus....and guess what?... if anyone can heal the deepest hurts, Jesus is the top choice to choose.

Today, February 11, 2017 makes two years that Bill passed away. I will admit that last year (numero uno) was extremely hard, not just for me but for my boy. Today, I know that I have made some serious progress in the grief department. I didn't bawl my eyes out, I didn't stay in bed with the covers over my head, I didn't check out of reality, no one caught me ranting and raving, and I didn't shake my fist at God swearing Him out of my life indefinitely. 
Recently, an epiphany occurred to me. It was after I watched a Tyler Perry "Madea" video snippet on YouTube. She -errr 'he'- talked about how people come into your life for a season. Insert the angels singing "hallelujah"....in my own head, of course. It helped me to think about how being married to Bill was a season in my life. Our life together didn't turn out like I wanted or expected, but it's not up to me to determine the season. That's God job to do. I realized that the 'us' was a season. Isn't that like an "Ahh-Haa" moment if I ever did have one? Ha!

So, admittedly I only teared up less than a bushel of times, most of which were attributed to snuggling with G$ this morning in my bed, scrolling through Instagram and noticing that he posted a picture of his dad with a sweet comment, and coming across some photos of days gone by. Maybe it's a bad idea to reminisce and maybe it's okay, either way, the only intention I carry is for Grant to remember that his dad was pretty awesome, especially when he became a father. I don't want to dwell on the circumstances of the death or why it all could't work out for the best. My only desire is for him to know that his dad really did love him....and even in present tense, loves him. 
Time doesn't heal all wounds my friends, but Jesus can. He went to the cross to heal our wounds, and by His stripes we can be set free (that part is a work in progress for me....the freedom part). I can choose to let Jesus take on the grief....every single phase of it and trust that God will heal me, heal my boy and live in the freedom of knowing that everything in our lives is under the hand of God who created it all.
Be blessed my friends.

Dear January

Dear January

I hate to break it to you, but I have never been one of your biggest fans and especially in recent years. Usually you bring bitter cold weather, a sore attempt at snow and ice here in TN (which by the way is disguised as a post-menopausal woman who hasn't been given enough coffee or chocolate) and flashbacks of really bad days in my arsenal of historic dates like the old "it happened on this day" reel that plays over and over in my head. This year was better, well as better as better can be.....like on a scale of one to ten, you get a six and a half. 
I think I can count on one hand the amount of really bad days this month. Which I can give you credit for because in previous years, it's been the majority of the month where I have been super moody and unlikable and way down on the mo-jo. 
I do want to say that I appreciate the unseasonably warm days you gave me (I could be bff's with post-menopausal weather especially if I give her enough coffee or chocolate!). Luckily for you, I have a membership to a local gym and access to the "fake & bake" bed that doses me up on Vitamin D when I need it. So big deal, I lay in a tanning bed.....it's that or I start to become super cra-cra, the girl in the basement crazy....and you wouldn't really like her. And I will add, I am NOT tanning everyday, just a couple of times a week. Any-who, I guess I should also thank you for the time I needed to really think about "things'. You know, the things that keep me up at night. You gave me a few sleepless nights thinking about what is "IT" that God is trying to work out in me. Thoughts about short term and long term goal setting, plans and ideas for vacation, what to do about issues with my teeth *long story there*, researching and learning more about Paris (that IS.GOING.TO.HAPPEN!) and among so many other thoughts, I had to cope for two long weeks without my wing-woman, a.k.a my sister. She was out of town in California...... gracias por nada on that! I think I clobbered her with so many hugs when I picked her up from the airport. I cannot even fathom not having her, she is my "person". 
January, you also reminded me that I have some work to do and specifically in the area of dating. I had a date, and I decided after that date, it was time to give on-line profiles and dating a break, meaning...I took myself off the market, not because I am taken, but because there's some work I need to do....emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I gave myself 90 days to break away from "dating" and focus on myself and do some prep work for the next go-around. I will re-visit this topic mid-April. I won't tell you it's easy peasy lemon squeezy....trust me on this.....my closest peeps are all in relationships, I'm the odd woman out, at least for a short period of time.
So, January, even though I am not a fan, I dealt with you as best as I could. Some good things happened, the bad days were bearable with lots of coffee, my closest friends, a couple of glasses of wine on the weekends and my selfish desire to be a little tan. I want to learn how to like you more, I am jetting there.....very very slowly. I guess it's inevitable that we will meet next year so goodbye January. 

Not too much love,
Amanda

Reminders

Just to give you a back story on this particular picture, I was cleaning out and switching wallets and was checking every nook and cranny, making sure I emptied the old wallet of everything. I came across the key that opens the box of my father's cremanes. I was delighted to find it because I really believed I lost it. I went to open the box and remembered that this little bible was placed inside on top by my brother. I think she gave this Bible to him when he was on his way to college in Kentucky. or it's possible she gave it to him when he went into basic training for the Air Force. My father was about to be twenty years old. 

 The words written by Mamaw are as following:

My Darling

Time and miles will take us apart but while it does, I shall keep a prayer with a live light burning within my heart for you . God gave you to me and He will keep you for me. My prayers will be with you wherever you go. 

Love, Mother

(To Ivan Newlin)

March 9, 1969

My grandmother was a great woman of faith. She left a legacy of Godly love, mercy, and wisdom. I am not saying she was perfect but she was perfect to me. This prayer for my own father has a lot of meaning to me at this particular time of my life. I can only hope that both my Mamaw and Dad are looking over me, praying for me, protecting me, loving me, reminding me of who I am in God I pray that I will leave a legacy for Grant and even my own future grandchildren. I needed to see and read this today. I needed reminded......

Friday Follow Up #1

Sunday was New Year's day, of course....I am strangely glad the new year started on a Sunday this year. I had an awesome New Year's party at my house with Melody and some friends. It was probably the best New Year's eve I have had in a long time. Grant had a friend over so that helped occupy his time and attention and lessened the complaining about being "bored". I fell into bed around 2am and got enough sleep to wake up and get to church. This particular Sunday was going to be interesting for me because a certain person I thought had feelings for & stupidly shared those feelings with him in the short time he was 'single' and now was suddenly leaping back into an on again, off again type relationship with someone who shares the same name as me. I guess more than anything, my ego was bruised knowing they were back 'on' and he gets to pretend that it wouldn't make me question his motives. Never did I expect him to come up and give me a hug and wish me Happy New Year much less did I expect that I would conjure up some deep Christ like love to give "her" a hug and wish the cliche' we all are supposed to say no matter how we feel about someone. Anyway, as soon as church ended, I was out of there just so I could swallow the lump in my throat and get home to take a very much needed nap. The rest of the day I did absolutely nothing and I liked it.
Monday was a tough one to survive. I don't really know why the second day of the year is so depressing. I guess it could be that the "high" of Christmas is over and the fun of New Years came to a fast end and even quicker beginning. I spent most of the day in bed, I did get up and do dishes and collected all the garbage and pulled it to the curb. I really wanted to go to the gym and release some stress but G didn't want to be left home alone for the amount of time I wanted to be gone. I ended up ordering a pizza and renting two Redbox movies. We watched Pete's Dragon and oddly, I teared up in a few of the scenes. After that, I watched "Me before You" in my room and that was probably not a good idea to watch a sad sappy romantic movie when this girl is already feeling lonely. It was a good movie, too bad I didn't read the book beforehand but maybe I'll add to my summer reading list. It was late when the movie ended and then I started thinking about someone I am close to who has been diagnosed with breast cancer again and I started praying that God would not take her away from me this year. I don't want to see the death of anyone I love this year. I know I have no control over that but seriously, I am over the 'death' cycle for awhile.
Tuesday was a decent day. I dropped Grant off at my mom's to help her and to oversee PawPaw getting a shower. It's Grants opportunity to make a few bucks and learn that taking care of family is important. I went with Melody to her Dr. appt and she got herself a pretty purple cast on her clean broken wrist. She will be off for the next four weeks and even though I know she hates missing work, it might be a good thing for me in selfish ways. I went to pay my Kohl's bill.....ugghh, I need to get rid of that stupid credit card! I followed up with my dental office about some impressions they made on my teeth. The dental assistant called me back and said the lab did not send back a mock up of what the veneers would look like and would it be possible to come by and do another mold. So I took my happy self to the dentist office, got another mold taken and was on my way back home. Luckily, Mel was at my house napping and Grant was playing PS4. When I got back, we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner and then hit the grocery store on the way home. I loathe grocery shopping and most especially when it involves Walmart!

Wednesday met me with Grant playing a truck on me. He thought it would be a good idea to put whipped cream in my mouth while I was asleep. I wasn't really mad about it but it sorta scared me. No worries, I'll get him back. I didn't actually get out of bed until almost 11am. These holiday breaks inducemy unhealthy habit of being a night owl and then sleeping way too late. Anyway, I had to get a couple of things done so I got dressed and ran my errands. I had an eye appointment at 3pm so I dropped G of at friends house beforehand. I haven't been to my eye doctor in over a year and I was brutally honest with him and admitted that I sleep in my contacts A LOT. Anyway, my prescription for glasses has increased but my prescriptions for contacts is pretty much the same. I'm not surprised by that because my glasses are over 3 years old. Anyway, I got prescriptions for both and went on my merry way. Picked G up, stopped at home to eat a very quick dinner and then headed to church for a ministry meeting. I had to leave early because Grant wanted to attend youth group at Joy church.  Melody met me there at 7pm and we went to service. I wanted to look into what their singles group offers and possibly be a part of their events. CFC doesn't have a singles ministry and probably because there are not that many single people in my age bracket. I think it will be good for me. Better than hanging out at bars, right? Lol.....we made it home and I made myself get in bed at 930pm so I could be asleep by 1030pm.  

My plan to get to sleep early on Wednesday night did not work out. I was up until 2am. I don't know why I couldn't get to sleep but I ended up reading and journaling some scripture. I also noticed that G had left his cell phone on the table and I did a random phone check. He passed, lol.

I knew it was going to be a rough Thursday  morning for me due to lack of sleep. I saw Grant off to school and headed over to pick up Melody and go with her to a Dr appt. She can't write very well with a cast on her right hand so I was designated paperwork person. Forging her name was quite exhilarating HA!

Anyway, after that we headed over to MJ to get our nails done. My nails felt like eagle talons, way too long for me. We finished up and went back to her place. I helped her put her Elvis collectibles in a cabinet and we ate a bite of lunch. I came home and hurriedly swept & mopped the floors because I could no longer stand the filth of dirt and pet hair. I'm OCD about my floors, just ask my son. I threw in a load of laundry and changed my bed sheets. Nothing beats clean sheets when you crawl into bed. Grant arrived home from school, I was meeting girlfriends for dinner so I made sure he was set for the evening. It was a pretty full day.

Friday was interesting. Weather called for snow, a dusting I suppose....well it was just enough to be annoying and dangerous. Metro did not call school off and I made G go even though it seemed treacherous. Not even an hour later, I get a call that school will be dismissed early.  I got up, showered and knew my cat was not going to start because of the dumb battery keeps dying on me. I have a portable battery charger so I got it to start and took it straight to Gateway. I walked over to my mom's to get my other car that she drives and headed to the gym. I didn't make it because the slight hill that leads up to Planet Fitness was covered in snow and I tried twice to conquer it but it was a no go. I ended up going by the school and getting Grant out early. I didn't want him on a school bus in this weather and with the roads like they were, I don't trust a bus. We went back over to mom's, Grant helped PawPaw get a shower and I walked back to Gateway to pick up my car. I zipped on over to Walmart to grab a few things. I wanted to make chicken tortellini soup. The recipe called for Mirapoix??.....I didn't know what that was until I Googled it later. So, I do need it for the recipe and I'll have to hit Kroger tomorrow. Mom needed a much deserved break from baby Genesis so I loaded her up and all her gear and we headed home. Baby G slept an hour and a half and so did I. I played with her, loved on her, gave her a bath and tried to get her to lay down again but mom was on her way to get her. I love having her but man, babies are so much work.

I won't go into details but Grant has a meltdown over something so dumb. Then he gets disrespectful and he pushed the envelope too far and I spanked him. I hate doing that but I just cannot tolerate the disrespect. Later, he came to apologize which is good but we have got to work on the explosive anger when stupid things aggravate him. So, here I am, the first Friday night of 2017, watching endless TV shows, drinking some tea and blogging about the first week of the year. It's been busy, had its ups and downs, but we are all healthy and safe and warm.

Death of a Fairytale

Death is inevitable. We all know that things that breathe and live will eventually die. It could be the death of a parent, a brother or sister, a child, a grandparent, and even our beloved pets. Death is the separation from the physical being that we loved. 
However, the death I am writing this post about is the death of a fairy tale. Today would have been my nineteenth wedding anniversary. I don't write this to gain sympathy, I write to get my thoughts out of my head, sort of like journal therapy.

I married Bill when I was 20 years old. He was 25. I was in love and I had great hopes for our future together, even thoughtI was extremely young. We had our first date on July 18, 1996 and then in November on his birthday, he proposed to me. He was everything I was looking for in a mate. He worked two jobs, he had his own car, paid his own bills, loved me unconditionally and put up with my  young craziness. We married the following year and paid for our wedding and honeymoon. It was the beginning of the great fairy tale. 

My version of the fairy tale is that we would stay married and have a couple of children, work in the fields where we both felt like we were contributing members of society, buy a cozy home, go on dates, travel to the places we had never been before, be involved in our church, nurture our friendships that meant the most to us, spend holidays with family, raise our kids together, support and encourage them through high school, drive them off to college, feel the empty nest, plan weddings for them, see grandchildren come, and retire and be life partners. Is this not what everyone wants when they get married?

Looking back, I think I should have waited to marry. It would have been better to finish college and find a good job and be more self-sufficient. I should have learn to be more independent instead of being so DEpendent on Bill. I realize now that our relationship was supremely co-dependent. I won't disregard the fact that there were great times and wonderful memories made. We created our son and tried to have more children. We bought our starter home and we both worked to make it a place of love and peace. But then the fairy tale began to die in 2008...
I won't go into all the gory details and trust me there are plenty but I tried so hard to make our circumstances different. We were in marriage counseling for a long period of time. I delved into self help books, went to conferences, attended meetings and checked myself on every level, trying to not let the fairy tale die. There comes a time when "the straw that broke camel's back" occurs. That happened in August of 2013. 

I bet you are wondering what killed the "fairy tale"? It comes down to Bill being so addicted to pills and alcohol that it was effecting my son's physical being. It was the most difficult and terrifying decision I made. He had to leave and get his shit together. I had to protect our son at every cost.....even at the cost of losing my marriage. The chaos and perpetual walking on egg shells was exhausting and I never knew which Bill I was interacting with. This is not to say that the destruction was the fault of a child. It was the bad choices and unchanging behavior that resulted in the separation. 

So we separated in October 2013 It was beyond challenging and I really thought I would become destitute. I reacted to the circumstances in unhealthy ways. I was angry, frustrated, and felt like I was going to lose e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.! My fairy tale was slipping out of my hands and I didn't believe I could make it on my own.

One day I might reveal more about the specifics about the death of my fairy tale but the fairy tale truly died on Feb. 11, 2015. Bill died and among many other "worst day of my life" was going to my son at his school and telling him the news. It was heart wrenching.

We all can say "we wish...." and I am no different. I wish I could go back and change things but I see now that God was/is protecting me and my precious son. Death is a part of life, no matter how you slice it. Death just plain old stinks! I still find myself grieving in various ways. I put on my brave face and put my big girl panties on and choose to face ALL the challenges of being a single mom. What other choice is there?

My future hope and prayer is that maybe one day God will truly bless with the second chance to live another fairy tale but this time it will have to be one where God is the author and the illustrator. 

Do you ever get tired....?

Lately, I have been tried. Maybe I can attribute it to the chaotic beginning weeks of school and the change of schools for G. It coukd be that something is physically off in my body like low iron, but this kind of tired feels more like.....tired of being the responsible adult/parent, the single mom who is not dealing well with pre-teen attitude. It's the kind of tired where I lay in bed at night and think about all the things I should have done the day before but never got to. I get tired of laying in bed solo with no partner to vent to. No one to share my thoughts and feelings with on a daily basis.And to be brutally honest, I miss the physical touch of a man. I get tired of tackling the constant flow of laundry and dishes. The menu planning and grocery store trips can really wear me down.  I get tired of being the lawngirl, although I'd have to say the only two benefits I get from this are exercise and the sense of accomplishment. I get tired of being the one who has to deal and manage the care of an aging father in law who is falling victim to dementia and that should have never been held responsible for.

 

I get tired. I am tired.

 Tired of fielding endless and sometimes pointless questions from an over curious twelve year old. Tired of trying to explain that I am the mom and when I say "NO", I don't owe you a reason. I get tired of fighting the bed time battle. Just go to bed, you're tired! 
I get tired of fighting with the demons that try to take me down spiritually. Tired of worrying about finances and budgets and bills. 
 It would be so very nice if I could go away and truly get some rest and replenish my spirit,  feed my soul, reconnect with who I am in God's eyes, A place where  someone would take care of all my basic needs and be allowed to just rest. 

I can't be the only one who feels this way. 

Tell me, do you ever get THIS tired?

Vulnerable

I thought about writing this post for awhile now. I think that sharing painful moments of our lives can bring some healing to ourselves and maybe inspire or change someone else's perspective. It's always been a challenge for me to be vulnerable and open to sharing what has occurred in my life over the past few years. It was just two short years ago this month that my life became truly unmanageable and my world seemed to be crumbling right before my eyes. I distinctly remember working as a sub teacher at a local elementary school and I could not stop crying. It was a dark period in my life. My marriage was fractured and toxic, the tangled web of addictions was entangling the man I once loved, being a single mom and worrying about making ends meet, staying strong and protective of a precious boy who was in the middle of his parent chaos, watching my own father struggle with health issues and knowing his time on earth was coming to an end, and everything else in between created so much anxiety and depression, I just couldn't bare it any more. I called my mom on my lunch break and told her I had to go to the ER. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I had to call a time-out on my life.
I left my sub job when school was dismissed, coordinated care for Grant and my mom took me to the emergency room.  I could not stop crying! My head was pounding from bouts of an "ugly" cry to the silent whimpering coming from the deepest part of my soul. 
I was asked if I wanted to hurt myself (suicidal). I didn't think I was but I knew something in me had to change. I was also dealing with some other health issues and it was taking a toll on me. I was referred to a couple of mental health hospitals but no one had available beds that night. I had to go home and wait. I was still crying off and on. That is how depression and intense anxiety will bring you to really dark places. The following day, my mom was having hand surgery and my cousin stepped up and offered to help her there and back home safely. I received a phone call mid morning and there was a spot opening up for me at Rolling Hills in Franklin. I packed quickly and after my mom was out of surgery and recovering at my house, my cousin took me there. I won't kid you, it's pretty scary stuff not knowing what you're going into. I knew that fear wasn't as big as the fear I had if I didn't get help from people who knew how to help me. My first night there I was placed on the detox floor and my roommate was detoxing from meth. I was pretty scared and ended up crying myself to sleep. I was moved to a different floor later the next day. There were about 20 people dealing with all sorts of problems. It was an experience that helped me to realize that I wasn't alone and others had more on their plates than I did. There's a quote out there that says, "If we all threw our problems into a circle on the floor, we would go pick up our own problems." That was very true for me. All in all I spent six days there. I learned a lot about how I was coping with all the chaos in my life was extremely unhealthy and adding to the depression and anxiety I was feeling. There was group therapy where I learned about others and how fortunate I felt knowing my "stuff" wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Yes, the breakup of a marriage and family, the effects of addiction, the failing health of a parent, the raising of a child, the issues of self-deprecation......all of that is "BIG" stuff and it can take you down. Mental illness is a real thing, whatever side of the spectrum a person is on. I had to learn that my facade of being perfect in every way was destroying my soul. If you've never been in a mental health facility, it is not camp cupcake. It is a place where you have to get real about what is going on in your life and why you behave in the way you do. You have to deal with the immense pain that you have tried to hide from in very unhealthy ways. It is a place where you can deal with everything and have the support to do so.
I write all of this to say that if whoever is reading this finds themselves in a dark place with no one to talk to or get the help they need, I know where you're conning from. If you need a safe person to go to, I am here. I will listen and I won't judge. I will do what I can to get you to a better spot. 
As humans, we have to take risks in all areas. It was a risk for me to share this with all with you. But if I can help one person, then it was worth the risk of being vulnerable, honest, and open about my story
(loveyameanit)

I Remember Me

It's been way too long since I last blogged. It used to be very therapeutic, a way to vent, a way to share life, the ups and downs, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I guess I decided to fall off the blog wagon for awhile while I attended to all the "hell" I was going through. It would take me writing a 'based on a true story' novel (which I am almost sure would hit the NY Best Sellaers List) to explain it all. 
Today, I asked God to show me some things in my life that I needed clarification on. Sometimes, when yoou think you SHOULD trust your intuition, you end up not doing it. So, asking God for a "sign" so to to speak was important for me so I could make a decision. Well, thankfully this time He came through. I should have trusted my gut but as a woman who contantly second guesses herself, I ignored it and yes....now I feel really stupid. 
Which brings me to the pont of this blog title. Jennifer Hudson sings a song called "I remember Me". She wrote it after her mother and nephew were murdered by a family member. The song speaks to me becuase through her pain of losing loved ones, she still had to remember herself and what made her who she is. You see, I went through a period of time this year where I lost myself. In so many different ways. There are  various reasons and circumstances behind it but I take responsibility for my choices. I listened to that song today coming home from taking the boy to his dad's place. The thing I have to remind myself of is that I am a strong person. No matter what life has thrown at me and even how I have responded to it, has made me remember that God has used every thing to make me realize and acknowledge that I HAVE to remember me. Who I am, what I do, where I go, day in and day out. It's a turning point. Simply that....turning back to God and remembering who I am....in his eyes and in his heart. Thank you God for the ability to have intuition. Help me to not ignore it again. :D

Six Month Post Op

WOWZERS! Six month have past already!!!! Here I am.....where do I begin.....?

It's been hard, it's been easy, it's been challenging, and it's been fun....

My highest ever weight in my mid 20's was 327 lbs. That is a lot!

Feb. 1st 2013, I weighted 296
This morning Sept. 4th 2013 I weight 218.

I cannot remember the last time I was ever this "light"....probably junior high but I never weighted myself in jr. high. LOL

My goal is 190 which isn't too far off. Everyone keeps asking me how much more I want to lose but I won't be satisfied until I know in my heart that I am in the right place.

I just wish I had about 40K for plastic surgery.....obesity leaves nasty battle scars.....

I see my Dr. on the 12th. I hope he is impressed with my progress. I haven't been able to make it to support group meetings and I definitely to amp up my exercise routine. If it weren't for my hip issues, I could walk my little legs off. I need to do some toning too. I have to make time for that!

Well, I would post a pic but I'll have to do that later.....I'm on my way out the door to go sub at the middle school....7th grade English!

Scary Struggles

I have come to a decision that I never thought I would EVER have to make. I am going to divorce my husband. No, I don't want to but he has left me with no choice. You see, addiction has broken me, broken us, the US that used to be. I married Bill because he was funny, he worked hard, he loved me with all my junk, he was always willing to go the extra mile for me. Now the Bill I know is lazy, judgmental, untrustworthy, and his choices have broken my willingness to keep trying. I have done all I know to do to save my marriage. We have been in counseling going on five years. One year ago, he came home from a thirty day rehab and we were trying to get back on track. He's had more relapses than I care to count and I have tried to remain faithful and patient but recently his lack of impulse control has broken down the small steps we had made.
I am very scared (even though the bible says that we should not fear or worry). I have NEVER been on my own. I married at 20. I never lived with a roommate or experienced life on my own. It's always been us two and then along came Grant. I am totally sick about how this is going to affect him. I am a child of divorced parents, and I know how ugly it can get. I don't want it to get ugly, I want it to be amicable. I want Grant to have the best of both parents. Just because we are not together, it doesn't mean we don't want the best for him. I also worry about Bill's ongoing recovery and how he will react in the coming days. I don't think he realizes fully what his choices have caused. I hope he sticks with it, if not for himself, but for Grant.
The hardest part about all of this for me is disappointing my Savior. I feel like a failure, like I shouldn't ever give up but then I think, does my Lord want me to be in an unhappy marriage where there is no trust, no intimacy, no help. No, I think God wants me to have the very best. I am a good person with a lot of flaws that I will continue to work on the rest of my life. I am a control freak and I have very high expectations of myself and that can permeate to other people.
I want to feel like me again. I want to feel happiness and joy, not dread and despair and hopelessness. I want to feel like I have a purpose in this short journey called life.
I will be single and I will be afraid to open my heart to other men. I will be apprehensive about dating and moving on. I will have to go through a lot of counseling to understand where all of this fits into who I am.
I think about marriage differently now. I think two people have to be completely whole and know who they are inside and out. Then, they can compliment each other. In my case, it's sad to say that I was running away from a life in a small town with small ideals and I was afraid I would never make it to college and do something worthwhile in my life. Yes, I did love Bill but I was way too young. I should've waited. I should've finished school. But that is all water under the bridge. No changing that now. I can only take one day at a time. One hour at a time. I have so much to still be grateful for and I will now turn my every ounce of energy into my relationship with God and making sure my boy is happy, healthy, and safe.
That's all I know I can do. It's going to be hard and it's going to be sad. Please pray for me.
Thanks

Weekend Re-cap

WOW! it's all I can do to sit here and type out these few random thoughts. I am dead dog tired and there's so much to do to get ready for the beginning of school. But lately it seems that trivial things are not so important when compared to how close you can come to losing a parent or loved one. My dad went back into the hospital for the second time in less than 3 weeks on Thursday. I was getting prepared to have a yard sale at my house on Friday and Saturday. I had to leave Friday afternoon to make an appt. at the BOE for Metro Schools to get fingerprinted for substitute teaching. Then, I had an appt. at 3pm with my counselor, Sandy. Grant was at Lillian's trying to help her paint. I was on my way to get him when my dad called me and all I heard him say was "hospice". I just lost it. How could this be? What has happened to my strong dad? He told me a nurse would be calling me to give me some more information on what was going on and what the next steps would be. For those who read this, my dad is morbidly obese, has thirty five percent kidney function, COPD, type II diabetes, and his heart was going into congestive heart failure. These are the consequences to an addiction to food. Socially, we don't accept food as an addiction because it's something we all need to survive. My dad has been fighting and living with his addiction to food all of my life. I don't really recall my dad ever being "healthy". His obesity doesn't make me love him any less. He's still my dad. Anyway, I waited for this nurse to call me until about 6pm and then met our new church pastor at an interstate exit so he could follow me down to the VA hospital where my dad was. Pastor Seymour prayed with my dad, helped him realize that he needed to be very sure of his life after death and led him to re-commit his life to Jesus.
It was an emotional day to say the least. I went to bed with a heavy heart and so many worries about the coming days, weeks, and months. I woke up Saturday morning not really wanting to continue the yard sale. My head was still aching and I ended up falling back asleep on the couch til about 8am. My mom was here and she convinced to em to give it a go and see what happened. I had to take Grant to baseball tryouts so again, she held down thr fort while I was gone. Made it back home and wrapped the sale up around 1pm. We will try again in a few weekends. We went to the hospital to see my dad. He was breathing very hard and can't really talk for more than a minute or two without using his by-pap machine. I ended up laying next to him with my arms around his belly and cried my heart out on his chest. I told him I wasn't ready for him to leave me here. I feel guilty for all the disparaging thoughts I have had towards my dad in the past. I love him immensely but his character and personality flaws can push my buttons sometimes. We left the hospital and ended up eating at Cracker Barrel for dinner. I took my mom some of my leftovers b/c I can't eat much. We were talking on her bed and I about fell asleep. I called Bill and told him I was just going to crash at her place. Her bed is like sleeping on a cloud (if that were possible). It envelops you and it's just so comfy, like a big hug. I slept from 10pm-8am. Came home and got ready for church. Lately, I've been in a state of mind where I can't bring myself to worship God. I realize this is a terrible thing to say. Our SS class is reading this book called "Crazy Love" and it's very eye opening. I was reading it and realized that I am a lukewarm Christian. I am not where or who God has intended for me to be. I am grappling with my spiritual relationship with God and seeking to know him deeper. Anyway, I remembered that Pastor Seymour said that it's not about what we need from God, but what he needs from us. That includes worshiping him when we don't feel like it. During prayer and worship, I had to go to the alter and talk to my heavenly Papa about my earthly papa. The thought of losing my dad too soon was just unbearable. I felt so much better about the whole thing, knowing my dad re-committed himself to Christ brings peace to my mind. Right after church was over, my dad got a hold of Bill and relayed the message that his creatine levels had stabilized, his blood pressure was normal, and he was feeling a lot better. I know that only the power of praying people caused this to occur. It's amazing what perspective one can have when faced with loss of life. We are truly a vapor in the wind. We are not guaranteed another day. All we have is Jesus and he wants the very best from us. As I continue to examine my own relationship with Jesus and what it really means to be his disciple, it's easy to serve Jesus our leftovers. I have so much to be thankful for even when I'm going through a storm.

whining in the background

It's a quarter til 12am right now, I am beyond aggravated and can't settle myself down to go to bed.

Sometimes my life feels like I'm being "punked", like "no way this CANNOT really be happening to me!!" Nope, it happens and it always happens to me.

my life in chronological order today:

Woke up in excruciating pain, thought about crying but then I'd get a big headache and just moaned and groaned and yelped and you'd think that an old cat was being tortured.....

Called my PCP to see if I could get an appt. immediately.....nope not until July 22nd...FORGET IT!

Texted my Dr. friend Dr. C (she's always got my back) and she was going to squeeze me in around 1pm

Made it to water aerobics....needed to relieve some pressure on these old bones....it was fun haging out with Regina and Laurie.

Raced home to change, print off medical papers.....computer wasn't printing what I needed, Grant is hollering about how he can't get the DVD player to work

Got to the Dr. and all went smoothly....

Mom is moving her final pieces of furniture out of the basement and we were making space for the movers to come get the big pieces tonight.

We agreed that she would take me to church for VBS and I "assumed" she would be back to pick me up around 8:30 or 9:00pm. No big deal, right?

I sat at church with Grant and our youth pastor until 10:15pm. My mom thought I was already at home. All the while, I'm answering 20 million questions from the boy and he will not stop talking about anything....Thank Goodness Josh was there to filter out some of those for me.

We leave church and my mom said that one of the dogs had torn into one of her bags that had food in it and she didn't know what they might have eaten.  I drop mom off at her place, Grant is whining about how tired he is, what are we doing tomorrow, have I seen his so and so, etc.

I realize when I get out of the car that I left my cell phone sitting on the foyer table.
GREAT!
Walked through the front door and stepped in a big pile of dog poop! Just perfect!
Whatever the dog had eaten was now all over my living room floor along with shredded pieces of a plastic bag!
Grant is asking me more questions and I quietly tell him to go to bed before I lose my religion. He obliged quickly and never heard another word, no, question! grrr
Cleaned up the poo, febreezed the carpet and went downstairs to check on laundry whereupon I find a load of clothes in the dryer not yet dried and Grant never took his laundry down so it was still on the staircase!
Come upstairs, turn on the t.v. --- no go! the storm knocked it all wonky and Bill was asleep so I couldn't turn on the boobtube.
Bill gets up to leave for work, asked him to fix the t.v. and told him I was in a very bad mood
I asked him if he had taken the dogs out when he came home from VBS and of course he says No. That's why D.OG. popped in front of the door and she NEVER has accidents.
On top of all this, I can't find the only TWO phones we have in the house so I can call my mom to tell her my cell phone is at church. Bill finds the phone, I call her and she doesn't answer.

In all of this chaos, I remained calm even though on the inside, I'm seething mad

Okay, now that you've heard my whining in the background....I am going to bed!

June 30, 2004

Nine years ago on this very evening, I was preparing myself for the boy who would change my world forever. I remember vividly, sitting in his nursery and soaking up the last few moments of peace and quiet while Bill went to the airport to get my mom. I can't believe how time just ticks away and gives no consideration for our feelings of sadness when our babies grow up. It's funny the thoughts you have about your kid(s) before they are even born. I thought for sure that Grant would be a chubby little kid but instead he's a "rack of bones". I thought he would be darker in complexion and have dark eyes and dark hair. No, he's a red headed, blue eyed white boy. I thought he would be the kind of kid who would have the disease to please, but he's a strong willed, argumentative, opinionated little boy. I always tell him he needs to go into politics or be a lawyer because he can argue about anything! I know that I'm not the only mom out there who would like to change some personality flaws in their child. I think these things that wear on my nerves will eventually work in his favor but for now he can just wear me out. The things I do love about him most: he's sweet towards little ones, he's compassionate when it comes to animals, he loves his friends (even those who might get on his nerves), he loves being outside and playing, he's a fish in the summer, always wants to be in a pool., he's very smart and eager to know new things, he listens to his grandparents, he notices the most awkward and unusual things, he's thinks outside the box, he is always willing to help others but not so much with his parents, he has a wonderful imagination and is very creative (like me). There are so many other things I could name but I won't bore you. I love this boy. He is my one and only and that's okay. I pray for him and his future and protection over him. I have high hopes for him. I can't believe it's been nine years! my, my, my, it won't be long and he'll be going to college!

I don't really have a title for this post but I just need to get something off my chest.

I have learned a valuable lesson this week and sometimes that's what life does to you, just smacks you in the face with the obvious even when you want to stay in denial.

It's about what people DON"T say when you have a conversation with them. It's paying close attention to their responses when you ask them direct questions.
Why do people do this? I wish I knew. Why can't people live and speak the truth? It's very disappointing to know that you can't even acknowledge someone's capabilities and strengths.
Okay, I'm done, just had to get this out of my head.
Thanks

99.9%

So, I had to work one last day at school today. When I say "last", I really mean "last". I left the parking lot knowing I will never be hired as a teacher there unless by some miracle of God occurs. You know what though? I'm not the slightest bit upset about it. I put in three years, worked really hard to prove myself and it got me nowhere. Whatever the lesson is in this experience is yet to be revealed to me.

 The best part of working where I did, I made great friends and lasting relationships. I was available for a friend who needed someone to share her burdens and stressors with. I worked with fifth graders whom I thought would get on my nerves but ended up loving. Most importantly, my boy had a phenomenal 3rd grade year and came out shining like a star! His happiness will always be more important than mine.

I am 99.9% sure that God must have something better for me, I am just going to wait on Him.

sadness

Today is the last day of school for the boy. I'm sad he's growing up an d moving onto the next phase of childhood. There is also a lot of high school graduations going on and those parents are probably more sad than I am about their kids moving on. It just doesn't seem fair that we can't keep our kids little for as long as we'd like. I'm also a bit sad that I won't get to see the girls I work with and laugh and cut up and joke with each other. I am seriously anxious, sad, and nervous about what the next year school year holds. I am sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to my own classroom full of kids. I am sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to the fifth grade students I worked with this year. I had to help Kindergarten and didn't get to watch them "graduate". I am sad that my friend Denise won't be Grant's teacher, she is resigning to stay home and watch her babies grow. I am sad that my parents are getting older and its getting closer to time for them to leave this earth. I am sad that I can't get past myself to forgive and let live the things that have been done wrong to me in recent months. I am sad that as I sit here and type, tears well up in my eyes just thinking about how sad I am. I am sad about how much I've let my house go and not put things away. I am sad that I can't get my crap together and keep marching on. I thought I was a pretty strong person but now I'm not so sure. I am praying that God will take my sadness and use it for good. I don't really know how that will work out but I can pray for it anyway.