Vulnerable

I thought about writing this post for awhile now. I think that sharing painful moments of our lives can bring some healing to ourselves and maybe inspire or change someone else's perspective. It's always been a challenge for me to be vulnerable and open to sharing what has occurred in my life over the past few years. It was just two short years ago this month that my life became truly unmanageable and my world seemed to be crumbling right before my eyes. I distinctly remember working as a sub teacher at a local elementary school and I could not stop crying. It was a dark period in my life. My marriage was fractured and toxic, the tangled web of addictions was entangling the man I once loved, being a single mom and worrying about making ends meet, staying strong and protective of a precious boy who was in the middle of his parent chaos, watching my own father struggle with health issues and knowing his time on earth was coming to an end, and everything else in between created so much anxiety and depression, I just couldn't bare it any more. I called my mom on my lunch break and told her I had to go to the ER. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I had to call a time-out on my life.
I left my sub job when school was dismissed, coordinated care for Grant and my mom took me to the emergency room.  I could not stop crying! My head was pounding from bouts of an "ugly" cry to the silent whimpering coming from the deepest part of my soul. 
I was asked if I wanted to hurt myself (suicidal). I didn't think I was but I knew something in me had to change. I was also dealing with some other health issues and it was taking a toll on me. I was referred to a couple of mental health hospitals but no one had available beds that night. I had to go home and wait. I was still crying off and on. That is how depression and intense anxiety will bring you to really dark places. The following day, my mom was having hand surgery and my cousin stepped up and offered to help her there and back home safely. I received a phone call mid morning and there was a spot opening up for me at Rolling Hills in Franklin. I packed quickly and after my mom was out of surgery and recovering at my house, my cousin took me there. I won't kid you, it's pretty scary stuff not knowing what you're going into. I knew that fear wasn't as big as the fear I had if I didn't get help from people who knew how to help me. My first night there I was placed on the detox floor and my roommate was detoxing from meth. I was pretty scared and ended up crying myself to sleep. I was moved to a different floor later the next day. There were about 20 people dealing with all sorts of problems. It was an experience that helped me to realize that I wasn't alone and others had more on their plates than I did. There's a quote out there that says, "If we all threw our problems into a circle on the floor, we would go pick up our own problems." That was very true for me. All in all I spent six days there. I learned a lot about how I was coping with all the chaos in my life was extremely unhealthy and adding to the depression and anxiety I was feeling. There was group therapy where I learned about others and how fortunate I felt knowing my "stuff" wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Yes, the breakup of a marriage and family, the effects of addiction, the failing health of a parent, the raising of a child, the issues of self-deprecation......all of that is "BIG" stuff and it can take you down. Mental illness is a real thing, whatever side of the spectrum a person is on. I had to learn that my facade of being perfect in every way was destroying my soul. If you've never been in a mental health facility, it is not camp cupcake. It is a place where you have to get real about what is going on in your life and why you behave in the way you do. You have to deal with the immense pain that you have tried to hide from in very unhealthy ways. It is a place where you can deal with everything and have the support to do so.
I write all of this to say that if whoever is reading this finds themselves in a dark place with no one to talk to or get the help they need, I know where you're conning from. If you need a safe person to go to, I am here. I will listen and I won't judge. I will do what I can to get you to a better spot. 
As humans, we have to take risks in all areas. It was a risk for me to share this with all with you. But if I can help one person, then it was worth the risk of being vulnerable, honest, and open about my story
(loveyameanit)