Aug 26, 2013

Scary Struggles

I have come to a decision that I never thought I would EVER have to make. I am going to divorce my husband. No, I don't want to but he has left me with no choice. You see, addiction has broken me, broken us, the US that used to be. I married Bill because he was funny, he worked hard, he loved me with all my junk, he was always willing to go the extra mile for me. Now the Bill I know is lazy, judgmental, untrustworthy, and his choices have broken my willingness to keep trying. I have done all I know to do to save my marriage. We have been in counseling going on five years. One year ago, he came home from a thirty day rehab and we were trying to get back on track. He's had more relapses than I care to count and I have tried to remain faithful and patient but recently his lack of impulse control has broken down the small steps we had made.
I am very scared (even though the bible says that we should not fear or worry). I have NEVER been on my own. I married at 20. I never lived with a roommate or experienced life on my own. It's always been us two and then along came Grant. I am totally sick about how this is going to affect him. I am a child of divorced parents, and I know how ugly it can get. I don't want it to get ugly, I want it to be amicable. I want Grant to have the best of both parents. Just because we are not together, it doesn't mean we don't want the best for him. I also worry about Bill's ongoing recovery and how he will react in the coming days. I don't think he realizes fully what his choices have caused. I hope he sticks with it, if not for himself, but for Grant.
The hardest part about all of this for me is disappointing my Savior. I feel like a failure, like I shouldn't ever give up but then I think, does my Lord want me to be in an unhappy marriage where there is no trust, no intimacy, no help. No, I think God wants me to have the very best. I am a good person with a lot of flaws that I will continue to work on the rest of my life. I am a control freak and I have very high expectations of myself and that can permeate to other people.
I want to feel like me again. I want to feel happiness and joy, not dread and despair and hopelessness. I want to feel like I have a purpose in this short journey called life.
I will be single and I will be afraid to open my heart to other men. I will be apprehensive about dating and moving on. I will have to go through a lot of counseling to understand where all of this fits into who I am.
I think about marriage differently now. I think two people have to be completely whole and know who they are inside and out. Then, they can compliment each other. In my case, it's sad to say that I was running away from a life in a small town with small ideals and I was afraid I would never make it to college and do something worthwhile in my life. Yes, I did love Bill but I was way too young. I should've waited. I should've finished school. But that is all water under the bridge. No changing that now. I can only take one day at a time. One hour at a time. I have so much to still be grateful for and I will now turn my every ounce of energy into my relationship with God and making sure my boy is happy, healthy, and safe.
That's all I know I can do. It's going to be hard and it's going to be sad. Please pray for me.

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