Death of a Fairytale

Death is inevitable. We all know that things that breathe and live will eventually die. It could be the death of a parent, a brother or sister, a child, a grandparent, and even our beloved pets. Death is the separation from the physical being that we loved. 
However, the death I am writing this post about is the death of a fairy tale. Today would have been my nineteenth wedding anniversary. I don't write this to gain sympathy, I write to get my thoughts out of my head, sort of like journal therapy.

I married Bill when I was 20 years old. He was 25. I was in love and I had great hopes for our future together, even thoughtI was extremely young. We had our first date on July 18, 1996 and then in November on his birthday, he proposed to me. He was everything I was looking for in a mate. He worked two jobs, he had his own car, paid his own bills, loved me unconditionally and put up with my  young craziness. We married the following year and paid for our wedding and honeymoon. It was the beginning of the great fairy tale. 

My version of the fairy tale is that we would stay married and have a couple of children, work in the fields where we both felt like we were contributing members of society, buy a cozy home, go on dates, travel to the places we had never been before, be involved in our church, nurture our friendships that meant the most to us, spend holidays with family, raise our kids together, support and encourage them through high school, drive them off to college, feel the empty nest, plan weddings for them, see grandchildren come, and retire and be life partners. Is this not what everyone wants when they get married?

Looking back, I think I should have waited to marry. It would have been better to finish college and find a good job and be more self-sufficient. I should have learn to be more independent instead of being so DEpendent on Bill. I realize now that our relationship was supremely co-dependent. I won't disregard the fact that there were great times and wonderful memories made. We created our son and tried to have more children. We bought our starter home and we both worked to make it a place of love and peace. But then the fairy tale began to die in 2008...
I won't go into all the gory details and trust me there are plenty but I tried so hard to make our circumstances different. We were in marriage counseling for a long period of time. I delved into self help books, went to conferences, attended meetings and checked myself on every level, trying to not let the fairy tale die. There comes a time when "the straw that broke camel's back" occurs. That happened in August of 2013. 

I bet you are wondering what killed the "fairy tale"? It comes down to Bill being so addicted to pills and alcohol that it was effecting my son's physical being. It was the most difficult and terrifying decision I made. He had to leave and get his shit together. I had to protect our son at every cost.....even at the cost of losing my marriage. The chaos and perpetual walking on egg shells was exhausting and I never knew which Bill I was interacting with. This is not to say that the destruction was the fault of a child. It was the bad choices and unchanging behavior that resulted in the separation. 

So we separated in October 2013 It was beyond challenging and I really thought I would become destitute. I reacted to the circumstances in unhealthy ways. I was angry, frustrated, and felt like I was going to lose e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.! My fairy tale was slipping out of my hands and I didn't believe I could make it on my own.

One day I might reveal more about the specifics about the death of my fairy tale but the fairy tale truly died on Feb. 11, 2015. Bill died and among many other "worst day of my life" was going to my son at his school and telling him the news. It was heart wrenching.

We all can say "we wish...." and I am no different. I wish I could go back and change things but I see now that God was/is protecting me and my precious son. Death is a part of life, no matter how you slice it. Death just plain old stinks! I still find myself grieving in various ways. I put on my brave face and put my big girl panties on and choose to face ALL the challenges of being a single mom. What other choice is there?

My future hope and prayer is that maybe one day God will truly bless with the second chance to live another fairy tale but this time it will have to be one where God is the author and the illustrator.