Jul 14, 2011


I haven't poured my heart in awhile and I try not to have any pity parties but sometimes a girl just feels like she wants to bear her soul to whoever might want to listen.
First thing I'm having a terrible time with is my job situation - AGAIN! I am trying so hard to believe that God has a plan for me-it's so easy to become so doubtful and I hate it. I don't want to doubt anything about His will, His promises, or His plans. However, this fall will be going on the 3rd year that I haven't had even so much as an interview for a teaching job. I feel so defeated about it and I can't come to grips for the reason let alone the lesson that God has for it.
Everyone keeps telling me that I will get a job and that's partly true, it's just I don't want to continue to wait & wait & wait & wait. I have prayed so many times for God to reveal the purpose for all of this, and I have yet to hear from Him OR I'm just not listening closely enough. I actually fell asleep last night praying with tears streaming down. That's where I am, just being honest and raw about all of it.

Another burden that I have carried for almost two MORE years is our inability to have another baby. This goes hand in hand with the job thing. Just when you think that one thing won't work out for you, you believe that God will show his hand in another area. Had I gotten pregnant in '09 and had the ability to stay at home again, I wouldn't feel this way today. Again, praying and asking God to guide us in the right direction or to simply tell me in His own way that Grant will be all we have., I keep telling  God that I would be okay with it but obviously He knows I won't be. I ask and pray for the lesson and as I previously stated, I wait & wait & wait. See the theme here? I'm not getting younger and I'm not fond of having a baby 10 years after Grant. Seven years is plenty of space between two kids. It's a big ball of emotions that is way to complex to write about but if any of you has had infertility issues, you know exactly where I am coming from.

Then there's this curse I am caught in which is called the sandwich generation. Taking care of children and parents. It can be a source of frustration, anger, sadness, fear, and anxiety. Neither of my parents have retirement plans, no money to live independently, neither of them planned for their 'senior' years. And guess who the fall girl is? yep! ME! (enter scream here). Again, I ask God for the lesson and one insight I have seriously gleaned is that I will work hard to never to do this to my child(ren). I can't quite understand it and I can only be the daughter that God would want me to be and to honor my mother and father even if it  means that I am the one who has to foot the bill for their poor choices. It just really isn't fair to this young heart, mind, and spirit.

These are just a few of the things that are on my heart. I know and understand that others are in worse situations than me. I am trying super hard to count the blessings I do have. I have many and I must be grateful for every gift that God has given me. All I know is that sometimes you just gotta pour your heart out.

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