Okay, so I'm trying not to worry, not to fret, not to over analyze, not become paranoid, not become distraught but here we go beginning the school year once again and I am "classroom-less"! I feel like I'm the last EA standing after two years of waiting for a job to open up. IF I get passed over again, my self confidence can't take it and I will have to move on somehow. I say "I wish....." all the time. I wish this and that. BUT it never turns out like I'd like for it to in my imaginary world.
I am going to start my prayers for now with Jehovah Jireh. I will call him by this and repeat back to him the promises he has given me in his Word. It is only HIS peace that can pass my sense of understanding. It is so hard y'all to really and truly trust God in all his infinite wisdom. I am prayerfully waiting for God to open the doors or lead me to another profession. Keep praying for me! Thanks!
Jul 30, 2012
Jul 28, 2012
Saturday
So, I have been busy! That's a real good thing around here. My mind stays busy and therefore less time to think about the chaos. It's all good b/c God has it all under his hand.
Bill has been in treatment for a week. He called and wanted to see if Grant & I could go up to see him but it's a very long drive and it would take all day Sunday to accomplish that. I go back to schoolwork on Monday and I do.not. look forward to the 5am alarm clock! He sounded disappointed but I have to focus on what my responsibilities are here and he has to focus on his.
Grant went to spend 3 nights at Camp Patrick. He is my brother and he adores Grant. It was good for him to get away and hang out with another guy instead of his dear old mother. While he was gone, I did a lot of catching up. I cleaned and cleaned. The oven, the microwave, the floors, got rid of a cabinet, the old swing set, moved the buffet, cleaned off the bar and buffet, the only thing I didn';t get to was cleaning out the fridge. Maybe next weekend or a weeknight.
At the moment, I am priming and painted a china hutch that belonged to my mother-in-law. At one time, I wanted to get rid of it but I have kept it for nine years and it collected a lot of junk and dust, and cobwebs. One of my goals this summer was to paint it and bring it upstairs and make it my craft supply hutch. Like the ones you see in those Country Living magazines. So I went to my favorite hardware store and got my supplies. I'll be bringing you pictures soon.
I had a job interview with the principal at the top elementary schools in the county I already work in. I was hoping to hear something by Friday but the county has placed a hold on hiring teachers until all the numbers of students are finalized. It's quite a crazy situation. It makes me wonder if this is how it's always been?
I have peace about all of it though. No need to fret or be anxious because my God has it all in his plan. He knows my needs and I trust him to supply all I need.
So, that's all from my corner of the world. Have a blessed Saturday!
Bill has been in treatment for a week. He called and wanted to see if Grant & I could go up to see him but it's a very long drive and it would take all day Sunday to accomplish that. I go back to schoolwork on Monday and I do.not. look forward to the 5am alarm clock! He sounded disappointed but I have to focus on what my responsibilities are here and he has to focus on his.
Grant went to spend 3 nights at Camp Patrick. He is my brother and he adores Grant. It was good for him to get away and hang out with another guy instead of his dear old mother. While he was gone, I did a lot of catching up. I cleaned and cleaned. The oven, the microwave, the floors, got rid of a cabinet, the old swing set, moved the buffet, cleaned off the bar and buffet, the only thing I didn';t get to was cleaning out the fridge. Maybe next weekend or a weeknight.
At the moment, I am priming and painted a china hutch that belonged to my mother-in-law. At one time, I wanted to get rid of it but I have kept it for nine years and it collected a lot of junk and dust, and cobwebs. One of my goals this summer was to paint it and bring it upstairs and make it my craft supply hutch. Like the ones you see in those Country Living magazines. So I went to my favorite hardware store and got my supplies. I'll be bringing you pictures soon.
I had a job interview with the principal at the top elementary schools in the county I already work in. I was hoping to hear something by Friday but the county has placed a hold on hiring teachers until all the numbers of students are finalized. It's quite a crazy situation. It makes me wonder if this is how it's always been?
I have peace about all of it though. No need to fret or be anxious because my God has it all in his plan. He knows my needs and I trust him to supply all I need.
So, that's all from my corner of the world. Have a blessed Saturday!
Jul 20, 2012
short term relief
I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do never knowing I would ever have to do it. I drove Bill to a treatment center for his addiction to alcohol and drugs. No "normal" wife wants to ever say to themselves or others that their husband is an addict. It is what it is. Can't hide or deny it, no use or purpose id doing that. I think it hit him slightly what his behavior and actions have caused. I didn't mean to sound heartless when he said 'this is going to be so hard" and I replied, "It needs to be hard!". I have so many emotions and I'm at expert at stuffing them deep down but I also I have to stay calm and controlled for the sake of my son. Oh my sweet baby, he never asked for any of this. He had to witness his father become so cruel and angry and for that , I am sick over it. They say kids are resilient and boy do I hope that holds some morsel of truth. I told hm he can ask anything he wants and I promise I won't get mad or upset. I am also resisting the urge to parent out of guilt but my goal is to keep things and activities light and less burdensome. I told him we would stay busy and spend some good time together.
The only part of driving alone that I like is being able to listen to my iTunes and worship God with music and praise. Music can be very healing and it can bring some hope and faith to this girl who lacks both sporadically. It's also a good remedy for telling the devil where to go!
This is the first day of a long journey that will bring up a lot of emotional baggage. My duty as his wife is to be in prayer for his recover and for God to mend all these wounds. I have a lot to work on with my own issues and I know that I will have to take some responsibility for my own actions. I get that. Well, it' getting late and I'm spent. For now, I have a little bit of peace and some rest from all this craziness.
Keep up the prayers!
The only part of driving alone that I like is being able to listen to my iTunes and worship God with music and praise. Music can be very healing and it can bring some hope and faith to this girl who lacks both sporadically. It's also a good remedy for telling the devil where to go!
This is the first day of a long journey that will bring up a lot of emotional baggage. My duty as his wife is to be in prayer for his recover and for God to mend all these wounds. I have a lot to work on with my own issues and I know that I will have to take some responsibility for my own actions. I get that. Well, it' getting late and I'm spent. For now, I have a little bit of peace and some rest from all this craziness.
Keep up the prayers!
Jul 18, 2012
Sadness & Hope
Don't ya just hate it when suddenly a thought hits you so hard & you break into an ugly cry? That's what happened last night. I went to bed exhausted but then my brain switches over to my heart & the sadness I am carrying just overtook me. I'm sure one day all of this craziness will become clear & the hurt, anger, resentment, and mistrust will slowly fade. But for now I just want the life I had 5 years ago to return to me.
Never in a million years would I expect to have to deal with addiction this close to me. I am so heartbroken and I have so much emotional work to go through. As if I didn't have enough stress & pressure dealing with finding full time employment, a disabled father, a "homeless" mother, an outspoken strong -willed child, I get dealt the cars of addiction!!! What gives?!
I feel like I could be on the brink of a nervous breakdown!?!?!
BUT there is only ONE hope for me & I know to some people it's a cliche' but
GOD is my only HOPE! If he can die on the cross & endure ALL that he went through for me & everyone else surely, with His help I can overcome this mess.
So when the waterworks come suddenly & I feel so alone, I go to my ABBA father & ask him to get me through this.
If you don't know Jesus as your personal savior, You are truly missing out!
Never in a million years would I expect to have to deal with addiction this close to me. I am so heartbroken and I have so much emotional work to go through. As if I didn't have enough stress & pressure dealing with finding full time employment, a disabled father, a "homeless" mother, an outspoken strong -willed child, I get dealt the cars of addiction!!! What gives?!
I feel like I could be on the brink of a nervous breakdown!?!?!
BUT there is only ONE hope for me & I know to some people it's a cliche' but
GOD is my only HOPE! If he can die on the cross & endure ALL that he went through for me & everyone else surely, with His help I can overcome this mess.
So when the waterworks come suddenly & I feel so alone, I go to my ABBA father & ask him to get me through this.
If you don't know Jesus as your personal savior, You are truly missing out!
Jul 17, 2012
today
Today, I am thankful that ALL of the bills are paid with the exception of the cell phone (which I have to gfind a way to get rid of my phone,it's costing way too much money). I am thankful for my friends who have called me or texted me or send me FB messages. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful church family who truly cares about me and loves me and are praying for me. I am thankful that God has given me the abiliy to NOT be helpless. Everyone says "you are so strong", yes, I guess so but I am that because God is bigger in me than he who is the world. Thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement. It truly means the world to me!
Jul 14, 2012
stop the bleeding
I know that God is using this terrible period of my life to teach me something about Him or myself. Not sure which of the two. Finally, I think the bleeding (not literally) has subsided, at least for a short period of time. I think between my mom and I, we convinced my husband that he needs serious help with his addiction. I am just bewildered that it took 7 long days of pure hell to get him to see that a handful of people cannot be wrong about his delirious behaviors. I am still fighting with his "right" to be "right". It's all become one big pile of rubble! **Thank you Kelly Minter***
How can I be used to help my husband become the man that God wills for him to be. The man I married in 1997 has changed so much and not for the better. I know and I accept the responsibility of my part but I have a very hard time being the only person he blames. I have asked God to show me where I have been wrong and where in my heart and soul do I need to let go and let God. I know that one of my biggest obstacles is my lack of compassion and understanding. I truly hate that. I know that God is going to have to deal with me on that in the coming days. My biggest and number one problem is anger and hurt. I am schocked by his abusive words and actions. He is still angry with me for opening a new account and putting what little money we had in a safe place. He has accused me of spreading lies and being deceitful. I have only tried to be truthful. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT! It's so hard to be reasonable with someone who is so self absorbed and under the influence of pain medication. It's the craziest thing y'all! I opened my foolish mouth again tonight and of course the finger pointing begins and the blame game so I just had to leave. I knew thee wasn't a point to continue to argue and go in circles of guilt ridden accusations. I am still not exactly sure how I'm going to deal with all of the pieces. If there's one thing this whole situation has forced me to do, it has been to take one day at a time and to keep some sense of normalcy for G-man.
I was out and about yesterday by myself before the great awakening and the road I was on was 2 lanes. I heard sirens and saw two black vehicles pull out behind me. Realizing that a long line of cars were following them, I knew it was a funeral procession. I pulled over into a nearby Church parking lot and began to sob. This scene I was watching could be ever so real in my life if I didn't try to get help for my husband. You don't think things like this happen to good people, but life is short and things can change on a dime. I was so saddened to know tat someone in that long line of cars had lost someone they loved and you don't get a do over. It's surreal at times but reality checks in often. I am continually asking God to speak to me concerning my future and the future of my family. It is overwhelming and I just want my husband to get the help he needs and to take responsibility for all of his actions All I know to do is ask God to "steady my steps" and "to let no inequity have dominion over me". Show me Lord , ever day, my inequities so that I may purge them and ask for your mercy.
God will fight for me! I know He will! He gives me strength from day to day!
How can I be used to help my husband become the man that God wills for him to be. The man I married in 1997 has changed so much and not for the better. I know and I accept the responsibility of my part but I have a very hard time being the only person he blames. I have asked God to show me where I have been wrong and where in my heart and soul do I need to let go and let God. I know that one of my biggest obstacles is my lack of compassion and understanding. I truly hate that. I know that God is going to have to deal with me on that in the coming days. My biggest and number one problem is anger and hurt. I am schocked by his abusive words and actions. He is still angry with me for opening a new account and putting what little money we had in a safe place. He has accused me of spreading lies and being deceitful. I have only tried to be truthful. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT! It's so hard to be reasonable with someone who is so self absorbed and under the influence of pain medication. It's the craziest thing y'all! I opened my foolish mouth again tonight and of course the finger pointing begins and the blame game so I just had to leave. I knew thee wasn't a point to continue to argue and go in circles of guilt ridden accusations. I am still not exactly sure how I'm going to deal with all of the pieces. If there's one thing this whole situation has forced me to do, it has been to take one day at a time and to keep some sense of normalcy for G-man.
I was out and about yesterday by myself before the great awakening and the road I was on was 2 lanes. I heard sirens and saw two black vehicles pull out behind me. Realizing that a long line of cars were following them, I knew it was a funeral procession. I pulled over into a nearby Church parking lot and began to sob. This scene I was watching could be ever so real in my life if I didn't try to get help for my husband. You don't think things like this happen to good people, but life is short and things can change on a dime. I was so saddened to know tat someone in that long line of cars had lost someone they loved and you don't get a do over. It's surreal at times but reality checks in often. I am continually asking God to speak to me concerning my future and the future of my family. It is overwhelming and I just want my husband to get the help he needs and to take responsibility for all of his actions All I know to do is ask God to "steady my steps" and "to let no inequity have dominion over me". Show me Lord , ever day, my inequities so that I may purge them and ask for your mercy.
God will fight for me! I know He will! He gives me strength from day to day!
Jul 12, 2012
surviving
It's been almost a week since I confronted Bill with the truth. Unfortunate to say but I am still so cofused. It's the fight between the heart and the head. I have to just keep praying to God for him to help me take the baby steps to clarity. I have had a lot of anxiety lately and scheduled to make an appt. with my Dr. but it's going to be another week and a half!
I am anxious to see my marriage counslor. She is on vacation. I have so much on my mond that is distracting me tremendously from what I would like to do. Fear of the unknown can really make a person nuts! BUT every second, every minute, every hour, every day, I ask God for HIS strength, HIS guidance and wisdom, HIS mercy, HIS peace.....nothing on my own.
I am anxious to see my marriage counslor. She is on vacation. I have so much on my mond that is distracting me tremendously from what I would like to do. Fear of the unknown can really make a person nuts! BUT every second, every minute, every hour, every day, I ask God for HIS strength, HIS guidance and wisdom, HIS mercy, HIS peace.....nothing on my own.
Jul 8, 2012
shattered dreams
Everyone, well, most everyone has dreams for their lives. I have dreams and hopes for my future but right now the dream for my life has been shattered. I never in a million years thought that I would have ever to say and admit to myself that my husband is an alcohol and drug addict. I am at a complete loss and I am still in so much shock from the events that have transpired in the past 48 hours. I feel like I have been made a fool of. I feel like I have failed as a woman, I feel like I have failed my son. I feel ashamed and guilty and confused and hurt and angry and embarassed and worthess.
Let me take you back to the spring of 2009. I was still in college, actually, I was student teaching. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was addicted to prescription pain killers. He stole medication from a family friend who takes it for a terminal illness. I had to find out the hard way and I felt like the rug had been torn out from under me. He went to 2 weeks of rehab, not enought time looking back now. He attended some AA meetings but those became few and far between as time went on. I was forced to attend a family "meeting" at the facility where he was and when I left I told him I would never walk through this with him again. How much do you stand by and take? How long do you stay in "sickness and health"?
How much is too much? Fast forward to this spring and the signs of alcohol and drug abuse are becoming more apparent and yet I want to believe that he is not drinking again. on top of pain medicine that is being prescribed for back pain. Well, that's a whole other blog post.
I had suspicions of alcohol use. He was sneaking it somehow. He though he was being crafty and mixing pink lemonade with pink lemonade vodka and actually believing that I wouldn't figure it all out. Addcition is a nasty monster that will tear a family apart and leave no person unharmed. The real victim in all of this is my baby boy who now has to deal with divorced parents. One day he will ask me, "Mom, why did you divorce dad?" and I will have to explain it and for that I am sick over! I know I have not been the perfect wife, I know I can be demanding, I know that sometimes I can bitch about the dumbest things but I can you tell you for certain that all I have ever treid to do was to be a good wife, take care of my house and raise my child. I pray daily for forgiveness and for God to reign down mercy on me and to protect what little I have.
I had a dream that my life would be filled with babies, and a home with love and devotion to God. I had a dream that my husband would go to the end of the earth to take care of his wife and provide for his family. I dreamed that I would have a spiritual leader that would go to any lengths to protect the innocence of our children. All of these dreams and mnay more are dissipating right in front of my eyes. Addcition has killed my dreams.
So, I sit here on a Saturday night at midnight, thinking of a new plan for my life. Not what I want or need for my life but only what God can do for me. Even through the hurricanes, it is an absolute must that I stay focused on myself and my child. I am all he has.
I knew there was coming a day that I would have to accept and mourn the dream of having more children. I knew it would be coming down the pike. It happened last Friday night before Grant's 8th birthday. I mourned and sobbed and went into an ugly cry. But now, it's all clear to me. I know that Grant is enough and there isn't anything that is written in stone that says I will never have more children. Only God knows the answer to all thoose mysteries.
When a person has to deal with an addict, you are talking to someone who has real problems. It's impossible to have normal coherent converstaions with them. I have to ward off the temptation to get caught in those verbal traps of he said/she said crap. I never believed this would happen to me. I have to start over. But, better now than 10 years from mow. Better now to protect what little of Grants innocence there is now than 5 years from now.
I grew up way too fast and knew way too much about worldly things. No eight year old on this plaet should have to hear the words "gay" and "queer" and ask what those mean. I have asked repeatedly of him to watch what he says around Grant and he acts like I am some psycho purde! I'm trying to let my child be a child!!! It's not rocket science!
So, I guess I have come to a new chapter. One that I didn't want to start. I am going to be 35 in a matter of days. I have been going through this hell fo six years. I think I have done my time, put in all the effort, sought all the counseling, made every attempt to save this from going under and yet the grip of addiction is bigger than me. I can only take one day at a time and ask God to guide me in each and every step. My only obligation is Grant and to make sure he is safe, secure and loved. The only way that I can truly express my feelings is through this blog. I don't want to be a fake. I want to become the woman God has ordained me to be. I remember not too long ago going to the alter at church and crying with sobs and anguish that I just wanted God to "fix" him. The bad part about all that is that he has a free will. The need for him to use is bigger than his need of God and his family. He says he loves me but does he really? Love is never supposed to have this much pain.
I am strong, I will survive, it's my boy that I worry for and have anxiety about. I just wanted him to have a great dad and who's to say that Bill can't turn this around and change his ways for him. But as for me, I have walked through this hell long enough. I ask if you read this, pray for me fervently and especially for my Grant who only wants parents who love him. Dreams are shattered but life will go on.
Goodnight!
Let me take you back to the spring of 2009. I was still in college, actually, I was student teaching. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was addicted to prescription pain killers. He stole medication from a family friend who takes it for a terminal illness. I had to find out the hard way and I felt like the rug had been torn out from under me. He went to 2 weeks of rehab, not enought time looking back now. He attended some AA meetings but those became few and far between as time went on. I was forced to attend a family "meeting" at the facility where he was and when I left I told him I would never walk through this with him again. How much do you stand by and take? How long do you stay in "sickness and health"?
How much is too much? Fast forward to this spring and the signs of alcohol and drug abuse are becoming more apparent and yet I want to believe that he is not drinking again. on top of pain medicine that is being prescribed for back pain. Well, that's a whole other blog post.
I had suspicions of alcohol use. He was sneaking it somehow. He though he was being crafty and mixing pink lemonade with pink lemonade vodka and actually believing that I wouldn't figure it all out. Addcition is a nasty monster that will tear a family apart and leave no person unharmed. The real victim in all of this is my baby boy who now has to deal with divorced parents. One day he will ask me, "Mom, why did you divorce dad?" and I will have to explain it and for that I am sick over! I know I have not been the perfect wife, I know I can be demanding, I know that sometimes I can bitch about the dumbest things but I can you tell you for certain that all I have ever treid to do was to be a good wife, take care of my house and raise my child. I pray daily for forgiveness and for God to reign down mercy on me and to protect what little I have.
I had a dream that my life would be filled with babies, and a home with love and devotion to God. I had a dream that my husband would go to the end of the earth to take care of his wife and provide for his family. I dreamed that I would have a spiritual leader that would go to any lengths to protect the innocence of our children. All of these dreams and mnay more are dissipating right in front of my eyes. Addcition has killed my dreams.
So, I sit here on a Saturday night at midnight, thinking of a new plan for my life. Not what I want or need for my life but only what God can do for me. Even through the hurricanes, it is an absolute must that I stay focused on myself and my child. I am all he has.
I knew there was coming a day that I would have to accept and mourn the dream of having more children. I knew it would be coming down the pike. It happened last Friday night before Grant's 8th birthday. I mourned and sobbed and went into an ugly cry. But now, it's all clear to me. I know that Grant is enough and there isn't anything that is written in stone that says I will never have more children. Only God knows the answer to all thoose mysteries.
When a person has to deal with an addict, you are talking to someone who has real problems. It's impossible to have normal coherent converstaions with them. I have to ward off the temptation to get caught in those verbal traps of he said/she said crap. I never believed this would happen to me. I have to start over. But, better now than 10 years from mow. Better now to protect what little of Grants innocence there is now than 5 years from now.
I grew up way too fast and knew way too much about worldly things. No eight year old on this plaet should have to hear the words "gay" and "queer" and ask what those mean. I have asked repeatedly of him to watch what he says around Grant and he acts like I am some psycho purde! I'm trying to let my child be a child!!! It's not rocket science!
So, I guess I have come to a new chapter. One that I didn't want to start. I am going to be 35 in a matter of days. I have been going through this hell fo six years. I think I have done my time, put in all the effort, sought all the counseling, made every attempt to save this from going under and yet the grip of addiction is bigger than me. I can only take one day at a time and ask God to guide me in each and every step. My only obligation is Grant and to make sure he is safe, secure and loved. The only way that I can truly express my feelings is through this blog. I don't want to be a fake. I want to become the woman God has ordained me to be. I remember not too long ago going to the alter at church and crying with sobs and anguish that I just wanted God to "fix" him. The bad part about all that is that he has a free will. The need for him to use is bigger than his need of God and his family. He says he loves me but does he really? Love is never supposed to have this much pain.
I am strong, I will survive, it's my boy that I worry for and have anxiety about. I just wanted him to have a great dad and who's to say that Bill can't turn this around and change his ways for him. But as for me, I have walked through this hell long enough. I ask if you read this, pray for me fervently and especially for my Grant who only wants parents who love him. Dreams are shattered but life will go on.
Goodnight!
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