Friday Follow Up #1

Sunday was New Year's day, of course....I am strangely glad the new year started on a Sunday this year. I had an awesome New Year's party at my house with Melody and some friends. It was probably the best New Year's eve I have had in a long time. Grant had a friend over so that helped occupy his time and attention and lessened the complaining about being "bored". I fell into bed around 2am and got enough sleep to wake up and get to church. This particular Sunday was going to be interesting for me because a certain person I thought had feelings for & stupidly shared those feelings with him in the short time he was 'single' and now was suddenly leaping back into an on again, off again type relationship with someone who shares the same name as me. I guess more than anything, my ego was bruised knowing they were back 'on' and he gets to pretend that it wouldn't make me question his motives. Never did I expect him to come up and give me a hug and wish me Happy New Year much less did I expect that I would conjure up some deep Christ like love to give "her" a hug and wish the cliche' we all are supposed to say no matter how we feel about someone. Anyway, as soon as church ended, I was out of there just so I could swallow the lump in my throat and get home to take a very much needed nap. The rest of the day I did absolutely nothing and I liked it.
Monday was a tough one to survive. I don't really know why the second day of the year is so depressing. I guess it could be that the "high" of Christmas is over and the fun of New Years came to a fast end and even quicker beginning. I spent most of the day in bed, I did get up and do dishes and collected all the garbage and pulled it to the curb. I really wanted to go to the gym and release some stress but G didn't want to be left home alone for the amount of time I wanted to be gone. I ended up ordering a pizza and renting two Redbox movies. We watched Pete's Dragon and oddly, I teared up in a few of the scenes. After that, I watched "Me before You" in my room and that was probably not a good idea to watch a sad sappy romantic movie when this girl is already feeling lonely. It was a good movie, too bad I didn't read the book beforehand but maybe I'll add to my summer reading list. It was late when the movie ended and then I started thinking about someone I am close to who has been diagnosed with breast cancer again and I started praying that God would not take her away from me this year. I don't want to see the death of anyone I love this year. I know I have no control over that but seriously, I am over the 'death' cycle for awhile.
Tuesday was a decent day. I dropped Grant off at my mom's to help her and to oversee PawPaw getting a shower. It's Grants opportunity to make a few bucks and learn that taking care of family is important. I went with Melody to her Dr. appt and she got herself a pretty purple cast on her clean broken wrist. She will be off for the next four weeks and even though I know she hates missing work, it might be a good thing for me in selfish ways. I went to pay my Kohl's bill.....ugghh, I need to get rid of that stupid credit card! I followed up with my dental office about some impressions they made on my teeth. The dental assistant called me back and said the lab did not send back a mock up of what the veneers would look like and would it be possible to come by and do another mold. So I took my happy self to the dentist office, got another mold taken and was on my way back home. Luckily, Mel was at my house napping and Grant was playing PS4. When I got back, we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner and then hit the grocery store on the way home. I loathe grocery shopping and most especially when it involves Walmart!

Wednesday met me with Grant playing a truck on me. He thought it would be a good idea to put whipped cream in my mouth while I was asleep. I wasn't really mad about it but it sorta scared me. No worries, I'll get him back. I didn't actually get out of bed until almost 11am. These holiday breaks inducemy unhealthy habit of being a night owl and then sleeping way too late. Anyway, I had to get a couple of things done so I got dressed and ran my errands. I had an eye appointment at 3pm so I dropped G of at friends house beforehand. I haven't been to my eye doctor in over a year and I was brutally honest with him and admitted that I sleep in my contacts A LOT. Anyway, my prescription for glasses has increased but my prescriptions for contacts is pretty much the same. I'm not surprised by that because my glasses are over 3 years old. Anyway, I got prescriptions for both and went on my merry way. Picked G up, stopped at home to eat a very quick dinner and then headed to church for a ministry meeting. I had to leave early because Grant wanted to attend youth group at Joy church.  Melody met me there at 7pm and we went to service. I wanted to look into what their singles group offers and possibly be a part of their events. CFC doesn't have a singles ministry and probably because there are not that many single people in my age bracket. I think it will be good for me. Better than hanging out at bars, right? Lol.....we made it home and I made myself get in bed at 930pm so I could be asleep by 1030pm.  

My plan to get to sleep early on Wednesday night did not work out. I was up until 2am. I don't know why I couldn't get to sleep but I ended up reading and journaling some scripture. I also noticed that G had left his cell phone on the table and I did a random phone check. He passed, lol.

I knew it was going to be a rough Thursday  morning for me due to lack of sleep. I saw Grant off to school and headed over to pick up Melody and go with her to a Dr appt. She can't write very well with a cast on her right hand so I was designated paperwork person. Forging her name was quite exhilarating HA!

Anyway, after that we headed over to MJ to get our nails done. My nails felt like eagle talons, way too long for me. We finished up and went back to her place. I helped her put her Elvis collectibles in a cabinet and we ate a bite of lunch. I came home and hurriedly swept & mopped the floors because I could no longer stand the filth of dirt and pet hair. I'm OCD about my floors, just ask my son. I threw in a load of laundry and changed my bed sheets. Nothing beats clean sheets when you crawl into bed. Grant arrived home from school, I was meeting girlfriends for dinner so I made sure he was set for the evening. It was a pretty full day.

Friday was interesting. Weather called for snow, a dusting I suppose....well it was just enough to be annoying and dangerous. Metro did not call school off and I made G go even though it seemed treacherous. Not even an hour later, I get a call that school will be dismissed early.  I got up, showered and knew my cat was not going to start because of the dumb battery keeps dying on me. I have a portable battery charger so I got it to start and took it straight to Gateway. I walked over to my mom's to get my other car that she drives and headed to the gym. I didn't make it because the slight hill that leads up to Planet Fitness was covered in snow and I tried twice to conquer it but it was a no go. I ended up going by the school and getting Grant out early. I didn't want him on a school bus in this weather and with the roads like they were, I don't trust a bus. We went back over to mom's, Grant helped PawPaw get a shower and I walked back to Gateway to pick up my car. I zipped on over to Walmart to grab a few things. I wanted to make chicken tortellini soup. The recipe called for Mirapoix??.....I didn't know what that was until I Googled it later. So, I do need it for the recipe and I'll have to hit Kroger tomorrow. Mom needed a much deserved break from baby Genesis so I loaded her up and all her gear and we headed home. Baby G slept an hour and a half and so did I. I played with her, loved on her, gave her a bath and tried to get her to lay down again but mom was on her way to get her. I love having her but man, babies are so much work.

I won't go into details but Grant has a meltdown over something so dumb. Then he gets disrespectful and he pushed the envelope too far and I spanked him. I hate doing that but I just cannot tolerate the disrespect. Later, he came to apologize which is good but we have got to work on the explosive anger when stupid things aggravate him. So, here I am, the first Friday night of 2017, watching endless TV shows, drinking some tea and blogging about the first week of the year. It's been busy, had its ups and downs, but we are all healthy and safe and warm.

Death of a Fairytale

Death is inevitable. We all know that things that breathe and live will eventually die. It could be the death of a parent, a brother or sister, a child, a grandparent, and even our beloved pets. Death is the separation from the physical being that we loved. 
However, the death I am writing this post about is the death of a fairy tale. Today would have been my nineteenth wedding anniversary. I don't write this to gain sympathy, I write to get my thoughts out of my head, sort of like journal therapy.

I married Bill when I was 20 years old. He was 25. I was in love and I had great hopes for our future together, even thoughtI was extremely young. We had our first date on July 18, 1996 and then in November on his birthday, he proposed to me. He was everything I was looking for in a mate. He worked two jobs, he had his own car, paid his own bills, loved me unconditionally and put up with my  young craziness. We married the following year and paid for our wedding and honeymoon. It was the beginning of the great fairy tale. 

My version of the fairy tale is that we would stay married and have a couple of children, work in the fields where we both felt like we were contributing members of society, buy a cozy home, go on dates, travel to the places we had never been before, be involved in our church, nurture our friendships that meant the most to us, spend holidays with family, raise our kids together, support and encourage them through high school, drive them off to college, feel the empty nest, plan weddings for them, see grandchildren come, and retire and be life partners. Is this not what everyone wants when they get married?

Looking back, I think I should have waited to marry. It would have been better to finish college and find a good job and be more self-sufficient. I should have learn to be more independent instead of being so DEpendent on Bill. I realize now that our relationship was supremely co-dependent. I won't disregard the fact that there were great times and wonderful memories made. We created our son and tried to have more children. We bought our starter home and we both worked to make it a place of love and peace. But then the fairy tale began to die in 2008...
I won't go into all the gory details and trust me there are plenty but I tried so hard to make our circumstances different. We were in marriage counseling for a long period of time. I delved into self help books, went to conferences, attended meetings and checked myself on every level, trying to not let the fairy tale die. There comes a time when "the straw that broke camel's back" occurs. That happened in August of 2013. 

I bet you are wondering what killed the "fairy tale"? It comes down to Bill being so addicted to pills and alcohol that it was effecting my son's physical being. It was the most difficult and terrifying decision I made. He had to leave and get his shit together. I had to protect our son at every cost.....even at the cost of losing my marriage. The chaos and perpetual walking on egg shells was exhausting and I never knew which Bill I was interacting with. This is not to say that the destruction was the fault of a child. It was the bad choices and unchanging behavior that resulted in the separation. 

So we separated in October 2013 It was beyond challenging and I really thought I would become destitute. I reacted to the circumstances in unhealthy ways. I was angry, frustrated, and felt like I was going to lose e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.! My fairy tale was slipping out of my hands and I didn't believe I could make it on my own.

One day I might reveal more about the specifics about the death of my fairy tale but the fairy tale truly died on Feb. 11, 2015. Bill died and among many other "worst day of my life" was going to my son at his school and telling him the news. It was heart wrenching.

We all can say "we wish...." and I am no different. I wish I could go back and change things but I see now that God was/is protecting me and my precious son. Death is a part of life, no matter how you slice it. Death just plain old stinks! I still find myself grieving in various ways. I put on my brave face and put my big girl panties on and choose to face ALL the challenges of being a single mom. What other choice is there?

My future hope and prayer is that maybe one day God will truly bless with the second chance to live another fairy tale but this time it will have to be one where God is the author and the illustrator. 

Do you ever get tired....?

Lately, I have been tried. Maybe I can attribute it to the chaotic beginning weeks of school and the change of schools for G. It coukd be that something is physically off in my body like low iron, but this kind of tired feels more like.....tired of being the responsible adult/parent, the single mom who is not dealing well with pre-teen attitude. It's the kind of tired where I lay in bed at night and think about all the things I should have done the day before but never got to. I get tired of laying in bed solo with no partner to vent to. No one to share my thoughts and feelings with on a daily basis.And to be brutally honest, I miss the physical touch of a man. I get tired of tackling the constant flow of laundry and dishes. The menu planning and grocery store trips can really wear me down.  I get tired of being the lawngirl, although I'd have to say the only two benefits I get from this are exercise and the sense of accomplishment. I get tired of being the one who has to deal and manage the care of an aging father in law who is falling victim to dementia and that should have never been held responsible for.

 

I get tired. I am tired.

 Tired of fielding endless and sometimes pointless questions from an over curious twelve year old. Tired of trying to explain that I am the mom and when I say "NO", I don't owe you a reason. I get tired of fighting the bed time battle. Just go to bed, you're tired! 
I get tired of fighting with the demons that try to take me down spiritually. Tired of worrying about finances and budgets and bills. 
 It would be so very nice if I could go away and truly get some rest and replenish my spirit,  feed my soul, reconnect with who I am in God's eyes, A place where  someone would take care of all my basic needs and be allowed to just rest. 

I can't be the only one who feels this way. 

Tell me, do you ever get THIS tired?

Vulnerable

I thought about writing this post for awhile now. I think that sharing painful moments of our lives can bring some healing to ourselves and maybe inspire or change someone else's perspective. It's always been a challenge for me to be vulnerable and open to sharing what has occurred in my life over the past few years. It was just two short years ago this month that my life became truly unmanageable and my world seemed to be crumbling right before my eyes. I distinctly remember working as a sub teacher at a local elementary school and I could not stop crying. It was a dark period in my life. My marriage was fractured and toxic, the tangled web of addictions was entangling the man I once loved, being a single mom and worrying about making ends meet, staying strong and protective of a precious boy who was in the middle of his parent chaos, watching my own father struggle with health issues and knowing his time on earth was coming to an end, and everything else in between created so much anxiety and depression, I just couldn't bare it any more. I called my mom on my lunch break and told her I had to go to the ER. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I had to call a time-out on my life.
I left my sub job when school was dismissed, coordinated care for Grant and my mom took me to the emergency room.  I could not stop crying! My head was pounding from bouts of an "ugly" cry to the silent whimpering coming from the deepest part of my soul. 
I was asked if I wanted to hurt myself (suicidal). I didn't think I was but I knew something in me had to change. I was also dealing with some other health issues and it was taking a toll on me. I was referred to a couple of mental health hospitals but no one had available beds that night. I had to go home and wait. I was still crying off and on. That is how depression and intense anxiety will bring you to really dark places. The following day, my mom was having hand surgery and my cousin stepped up and offered to help her there and back home safely. I received a phone call mid morning and there was a spot opening up for me at Rolling Hills in Franklin. I packed quickly and after my mom was out of surgery and recovering at my house, my cousin took me there. I won't kid you, it's pretty scary stuff not knowing what you're going into. I knew that fear wasn't as big as the fear I had if I didn't get help from people who knew how to help me. My first night there I was placed on the detox floor and my roommate was detoxing from meth. I was pretty scared and ended up crying myself to sleep. I was moved to a different floor later the next day. There were about 20 people dealing with all sorts of problems. It was an experience that helped me to realize that I wasn't alone and others had more on their plates than I did. There's a quote out there that says, "If we all threw our problems into a circle on the floor, we would go pick up our own problems." That was very true for me. All in all I spent six days there. I learned a lot about how I was coping with all the chaos in my life was extremely unhealthy and adding to the depression and anxiety I was feeling. There was group therapy where I learned about others and how fortunate I felt knowing my "stuff" wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Yes, the breakup of a marriage and family, the effects of addiction, the failing health of a parent, the raising of a child, the issues of self-deprecation......all of that is "BIG" stuff and it can take you down. Mental illness is a real thing, whatever side of the spectrum a person is on. I had to learn that my facade of being perfect in every way was destroying my soul. If you've never been in a mental health facility, it is not camp cupcake. It is a place where you have to get real about what is going on in your life and why you behave in the way you do. You have to deal with the immense pain that you have tried to hide from in very unhealthy ways. It is a place where you can deal with everything and have the support to do so.
I write all of this to say that if whoever is reading this finds themselves in a dark place with no one to talk to or get the help they need, I know where you're conning from. If you need a safe person to go to, I am here. I will listen and I won't judge. I will do what I can to get you to a better spot. 
As humans, we have to take risks in all areas. It was a risk for me to share this with all with you. But if I can help one person, then it was worth the risk of being vulnerable, honest, and open about my story
(loveyameanit)

I Remember Me

It's been way too long since I last blogged. It used to be very therapeutic, a way to vent, a way to share life, the ups and downs, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I guess I decided to fall off the blog wagon for awhile while I attended to all the "hell" I was going through. It would take me writing a 'based on a true story' novel (which I am almost sure would hit the NY Best Sellaers List) to explain it all. 
Today, I asked God to show me some things in my life that I needed clarification on. Sometimes, when yoou think you SHOULD trust your intuition, you end up not doing it. So, asking God for a "sign" so to to speak was important for me so I could make a decision. Well, thankfully this time He came through. I should have trusted my gut but as a woman who contantly second guesses herself, I ignored it and yes....now I feel really stupid. 
Which brings me to the pont of this blog title. Jennifer Hudson sings a song called "I remember Me". She wrote it after her mother and nephew were murdered by a family member. The song speaks to me becuase through her pain of losing loved ones, she still had to remember herself and what made her who she is. You see, I went through a period of time this year where I lost myself. In so many different ways. There are  various reasons and circumstances behind it but I take responsibility for my choices. I listened to that song today coming home from taking the boy to his dad's place. The thing I have to remind myself of is that I am a strong person. No matter what life has thrown at me and even how I have responded to it, has made me remember that God has used every thing to make me realize and acknowledge that I HAVE to remember me. Who I am, what I do, where I go, day in and day out. It's a turning point. Simply that....turning back to God and remembering who I am....in his eyes and in his heart. Thank you God for the ability to have intuition. Help me to not ignore it again. :D

Six Month Post Op

WOWZERS! Six month have past already!!!! Here I am.....where do I begin.....?

It's been hard, it's been easy, it's been challenging, and it's been fun....

My highest ever weight in my mid 20's was 327 lbs. That is a lot!

Feb. 1st 2013, I weighted 296
This morning Sept. 4th 2013 I weight 218.

I cannot remember the last time I was ever this "light"....probably junior high but I never weighted myself in jr. high. LOL

My goal is 190 which isn't too far off. Everyone keeps asking me how much more I want to lose but I won't be satisfied until I know in my heart that I am in the right place.

I just wish I had about 40K for plastic surgery.....obesity leaves nasty battle scars.....

I see my Dr. on the 12th. I hope he is impressed with my progress. I haven't been able to make it to support group meetings and I definitely to amp up my exercise routine. If it weren't for my hip issues, I could walk my little legs off. I need to do some toning too. I have to make time for that!

Well, I would post a pic but I'll have to do that later.....I'm on my way out the door to go sub at the middle school....7th grade English!

Scary Struggles

I have come to a decision that I never thought I would EVER have to make. I am going to divorce my husband. No, I don't want to but he has left me with no choice. You see, addiction has broken me, broken us, the US that used to be. I married Bill because he was funny, he worked hard, he loved me with all my junk, he was always willing to go the extra mile for me. Now the Bill I know is lazy, judgmental, untrustworthy, and his choices have broken my willingness to keep trying. I have done all I know to do to save my marriage. We have been in counseling going on five years. One year ago, he came home from a thirty day rehab and we were trying to get back on track. He's had more relapses than I care to count and I have tried to remain faithful and patient but recently his lack of impulse control has broken down the small steps we had made.
I am very scared (even though the bible says that we should not fear or worry). I have NEVER been on my own. I married at 20. I never lived with a roommate or experienced life on my own. It's always been us two and then along came Grant. I am totally sick about how this is going to affect him. I am a child of divorced parents, and I know how ugly it can get. I don't want it to get ugly, I want it to be amicable. I want Grant to have the best of both parents. Just because we are not together, it doesn't mean we don't want the best for him. I also worry about Bill's ongoing recovery and how he will react in the coming days. I don't think he realizes fully what his choices have caused. I hope he sticks with it, if not for himself, but for Grant.
The hardest part about all of this for me is disappointing my Savior. I feel like a failure, like I shouldn't ever give up but then I think, does my Lord want me to be in an unhappy marriage where there is no trust, no intimacy, no help. No, I think God wants me to have the very best. I am a good person with a lot of flaws that I will continue to work on the rest of my life. I am a control freak and I have very high expectations of myself and that can permeate to other people.
I want to feel like me again. I want to feel happiness and joy, not dread and despair and hopelessness. I want to feel like I have a purpose in this short journey called life.
I will be single and I will be afraid to open my heart to other men. I will be apprehensive about dating and moving on. I will have to go through a lot of counseling to understand where all of this fits into who I am.
I think about marriage differently now. I think two people have to be completely whole and know who they are inside and out. Then, they can compliment each other. In my case, it's sad to say that I was running away from a life in a small town with small ideals and I was afraid I would never make it to college and do something worthwhile in my life. Yes, I did love Bill but I was way too young. I should've waited. I should've finished school. But that is all water under the bridge. No changing that now. I can only take one day at a time. One hour at a time. I have so much to still be grateful for and I will now turn my every ounce of energy into my relationship with God and making sure my boy is happy, healthy, and safe.
That's all I know I can do. It's going to be hard and it's going to be sad. Please pray for me.
Thanks