The Empty Spot

Its Christmas Eve...again.its always crazy to think and believe how fast it gets here. I was on the fence about writing a blog post only because I feel like what I say may not matter much but if for any other reason, it's a post I can look back on and remember what I was thinking and feeling. I kept thinking about a title for this post. I call it the "Empty Spot". Many of my friends and family and those that are near & far from me have an "Empty Spot". It's the space in your heart that's been torn apart when you lose someone or something you dearly loved. Loss is no respect of of man, title, position, wealth, or even fame. I know I'm not the only one that reminisces and goes into my mental file box of memories and wishes to have one more day, one more chance to change the scenario, one more word or deed to make a difference. But, we all have the "empty spot", remembered especially on holidays like these. The good news is that over two thousand years ago, God decided to send a baby boy named Jesus to fill in the "spot". I can't tell you that the spot ever really goes away, it might get a bit smaller, the edges a little softer, or filled in a little with something or someone new. That's kind of what happened to me this week and even in the months previous to Christmas. I was blessed to become a mom to Grant and he is my greatest joy (even when we fight). Then God created and sent this little girl into our lives. The short story about her is she came into my mom's foster care ten days after she was born. She was with her for 1 year and then returned to her paternal grandparents for 90 days. Even though she isn't blood, we made het a part of our family in every way. My mom petitioned for legal custody and on Nov. 6th, miracle occurred and she was reunited with us! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my body when I got the news that my mom had won custody of her. Fast forward to now, she is a full blown toddler full of spunk, sass, and smarts. She was custom made for us. As I was holding her today in church and the candles were being lit, I couldn't help but choke back the tears knowing that only God knew how much I needed this baby to fill in and soften my "spot". My heart was being filled with love and joy. So, if you're one of those people with an "Empty Spot", I know and pray that God will fill it in for you. After all, he sent Jesus to us so he could fill the world with love, mercy, grace, and the promise of eternal life Merry Christmas!

The "Emoty Spot"

Its Christmas Eve...again. Its always crazy to think and believe how fast it gets here. I was on the fence about writing a blog post only because I feel like what I say may not matter much but if for any other reason, it's a post I can look back on and remember what I was thinking and feeling. I kept thinking about a title for this post. I call it the "Empty Spot". Many of my friends and family and those that are near & far from me have an "Empty Spot". It's the space in your heart that's been torn apart when you lose someone or something you dearly loved. Loss is no respect of of man, title, position, wealth, or even fame. I know I'm not the only one that reminisces and goes into my mental file box of memories and wishes to have one more day, one more chance to change the scenario, one more word or deed to make a difference. But, we all have the "empty spot", remembered especially on holidays like these. The good news is that over two thousand years ago, God decided to send a baby boy named Jesus to fill in the "spot". I can't tell you that the spot ever really goes away, it might get a bit smaller, the edges a little softer, or filled in a little with something or someone new. That's kind of what happened to me this week and even in the months previous to Christmas. I was blessed to become a mom to Grant and he is my greatest joy (even when we fight). Then God made this custom ordered little girl. The short story about her is she came into my mom's foster care ten days after she was born. She was with her for 1 year and then returned to her paternal grandparents for 90 days. Even though she isn't blood, we made het a part of our family in every way. My mom petitioned for legal custody and on Nov. 6th, miracle occurred and she was reunited with us! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my body when I got the news that my mom had won custody of her. Fast forward to now, she is a full blown toddler full of spunk, sass, and smarts. She was custom made for us. As I was holding her today in church and the candles were being lit, I couldn't help but choke back the tears knowing that only God knew how much I needed this baby to fill in and soften my "spot". My heart was being filled with love and So, if you're one of those people with an "Empty Spot", I know and pray that God will fill it in for you. After all, he sent Jesus to us so he could fill the world with love, mercy, grace, and the promise of eternal life Merry Christmas!

Updates and a Countdown

I haven't blogged in f.o.r.e.v.e.r! I think about it often bu this summer has kept me busy and when I am not so busy, I am passed out in my bed, trying to regain my energy and capture one more night of rest to tackle the next day. 
I should've known that after being in a fender-bender on June 3rd, that my summer was going to be more than challenging at best. My father in law was hospitalized for twenty-days and came home briefly on June 20th. I had to get him placed in a "rehab" facility for more care than myself or my mom could give him. I changed his adult diapers for 3 days. He didn't go into the hospital incontinent but he came out that way. I was "miffed"about the care he got but it's water under the bridge now. His future care is always a concern in the back of my mind. I have a meeting this week with his case worker and I have recently learned he doesn't qualify for Medicaid. I really just don'e know what the right answer is. I know he doesn't have much longer to live and his quality of life is dwindling daily. I pray for wisdom in this situation. 
Before I knew it, Grant was turning 13 and I just couldn't comprehend how time has gone by so quickly. It is such a cliche' but when these milestones come around, you just sit in awe and wonder "what happened to my baby?" He had a great birthday with his friends and got lots of birthday cash which is no doubt burned a hole in his pocket. He is definitely not a saver like me. 
I recently signed him up for drum lessons and he had his second lesson today. I told him he needs to stick with this. He has to have an end goal and not just play drums just for fun. It's too expensive to be "fun". He says he wants to play in the drumline for high school and I hope that will happen which high school starts for him in one year. His eighth grade year is about three weeks away and I already know he will be anxious and won't get much sleep. He's a lot like me in that regard. I hope he gets great teachers and will be in classes with his few good friends. 
I won't go into too much detail but my mom's foster baby whose been in her care for a year, is going back into family custody. I am not happy about that situation. All I can do is pray for God's protection on her life and hope for the best. She is a doll and I will miss her. I know my mom will be grieving that kind of loss for a period of time but if I know her, she will get through it, She is strong and fierce and she might get another baby to love on and care for.
So, in a week, I say adios to my thirties. I woke up this morning with the reality that it really is coming down the pike....40! I have been in deep thought lately about this turning of age. I am definitely not where I thought I would be but that doesn't mean I can't ever dream another dream or meet another goal. I guess it's like mourning the loss of a decade that should have or could have been different and then on the flip side, it can be a fresh start to new and wonderful things. 
I have a few things planned for my birthday and that includes being around the people I love the most. 
I am ready for school to come back into session and I can begin to structure my days more consistently. Grant and I both need the routine and get back into a groove where we are not night owls and sleeping too late. 
Stay tuned......hopefully I will get back to blogging more and make it more of priority because it helps to write what's on my mind. 

Dear February

February....oh how I have so many mixed feelings about you. It's like I love you but I could live without you. This year, specifically, was embraced with some apprehension, some regret, some love, and some reflection, 

Really the only "date" I was nervous, anxious, saddened, or worried about was the eleventh. That is when Bill died. This year it landed on a Saturday. I only become weepy or teary a few times, just because G snuggled in bed with me, we had a heart to heart, and remembered the goofy things his dad was. We went to eat hibachi Japanese, in honor of Bill, and I think that helped some. 

I was amazed at myself that I didn't have an all out "ugly" cry. I think it just wasn't necessary really. I think that is a sign of growth on my part. I think we both have really learned to accept it all as it is.

On a completely different note....February was pretty decent. No horrible weather, even a few really nice warm days, which was refreshing. I even had a fire in the firepit one night, that is how nice it was. I really appreciate that from you!

And then there was Valentine's day.....uggh...I let it pass and showed love to those I love the most. That's what counts. Maybe one day that particular day will have more significance. For now, I am okay with what "it" is. 

I am looking forward to March. There are great, wonderful, and fun things coming this month. I am super excited about it. One of those is that there is a beach trip over Spring Break, and Grant doesn't know about it....yet. A good family vacation with great memories is always a good thing.

So for you February, you weren't half bad. Thanks for that. I needed a calm and quiet month. So until we meet again......

~loveyameanit~

Time doesn't heal ALL......

I have been pondering about writing this post all day. It seems obligatory that I memorialize this particular day in some fashion. So here it goes.....
Time doesn't heal ALL heal all wounds, but then there's Jesus....and guess what?... if anyone can heal the deepest hurts, Jesus is the top choice to choose.

Today, February 11, 2017 makes two years that Bill passed away. I will admit that last year (numero uno) was extremely hard, not just for me but for my boy. Today, I know that I have made some serious progress in the grief department. I didn't bawl my eyes out, I didn't stay in bed with the covers over my head, I didn't check out of reality, no one caught me ranting and raving, and I didn't shake my fist at God swearing Him out of my life indefinitely. 
Recently, an epiphany occurred to me. It was after I watched a Tyler Perry "Madea" video snippet on YouTube. She -errr 'he'- talked about how people come into your life for a season. Insert the angels singing "hallelujah"....in my own head, of course. It helped me to think about how being married to Bill was a season in my life. Our life together didn't turn out like I wanted or expected, but it's not up to me to determine the season. That's God job to do. I realized that the 'us' was a season. Isn't that like an "Ahh-Haa" moment if I ever did have one? Ha!

So, admittedly I only teared up less than a bushel of times, most of which were attributed to snuggling with G$ this morning in my bed, scrolling through Instagram and noticing that he posted a picture of his dad with a sweet comment, and coming across some photos of days gone by. Maybe it's a bad idea to reminisce and maybe it's okay, either way, the only intention I carry is for Grant to remember that his dad was pretty awesome, especially when he became a father. I don't want to dwell on the circumstances of the death or why it all could't work out for the best. My only desire is for him to know that his dad really did love him....and even in present tense, loves him. 
Time doesn't heal all wounds my friends, but Jesus can. He went to the cross to heal our wounds, and by His stripes we can be set free (that part is a work in progress for me....the freedom part). I can choose to let Jesus take on the grief....every single phase of it and trust that God will heal me, heal my boy and live in the freedom of knowing that everything in our lives is under the hand of God who created it all.
Be blessed my friends.

Dear January

Dear January

I hate to break it to you, but I have never been one of your biggest fans and especially in recent years. Usually you bring bitter cold weather, a sore attempt at snow and ice here in TN (which by the way is disguised as a post-menopausal woman who hasn't been given enough coffee or chocolate) and flashbacks of really bad days in my arsenal of historic dates like the old "it happened on this day" reel that plays over and over in my head. This year was better, well as better as better can be.....like on a scale of one to ten, you get a six and a half. 
I think I can count on one hand the amount of really bad days this month. Which I can give you credit for because in previous years, it's been the majority of the month where I have been super moody and unlikable and way down on the mo-jo. 
I do want to say that I appreciate the unseasonably warm days you gave me (I could be bff's with post-menopausal weather especially if I give her enough coffee or chocolate!). Luckily for you, I have a membership to a local gym and access to the "fake & bake" bed that doses me up on Vitamin D when I need it. So big deal, I lay in a tanning bed.....it's that or I start to become super cra-cra, the girl in the basement crazy....and you wouldn't really like her. And I will add, I am NOT tanning everyday, just a couple of times a week. Any-who, I guess I should also thank you for the time I needed to really think about "things'. You know, the things that keep me up at night. You gave me a few sleepless nights thinking about what is "IT" that God is trying to work out in me. Thoughts about short term and long term goal setting, plans and ideas for vacation, what to do about issues with my teeth *long story there*, researching and learning more about Paris (that IS.GOING.TO.HAPPEN!) and among so many other thoughts, I had to cope for two long weeks without my wing-woman, a.k.a my sister. She was out of town in California...... gracias por nada on that! I think I clobbered her with so many hugs when I picked her up from the airport. I cannot even fathom not having her, she is my "person". 
January, you also reminded me that I have some work to do and specifically in the area of dating. I had a date, and I decided after that date, it was time to give on-line profiles and dating a break, meaning...I took myself off the market, not because I am taken, but because there's some work I need to do....emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I gave myself 90 days to break away from "dating" and focus on myself and do some prep work for the next go-around. I will re-visit this topic mid-April. I won't tell you it's easy peasy lemon squeezy....trust me on this.....my closest peeps are all in relationships, I'm the odd woman out, at least for a short period of time.
So, January, even though I am not a fan, I dealt with you as best as I could. Some good things happened, the bad days were bearable with lots of coffee, my closest friends, a couple of glasses of wine on the weekends and my selfish desire to be a little tan. I want to learn how to like you more, I am jetting there.....very very slowly. I guess it's inevitable that we will meet next year so goodbye January. 

Not too much love,
Amanda

Reminders

Just to give you a back story on this particular picture, I was cleaning out and switching wallets and was checking every nook and cranny, making sure I emptied the old wallet of everything. I came across the key that opens the box of my father's cremanes. I was delighted to find it because I really believed I lost it. I went to open the box and remembered that this little bible was placed inside on top by my brother. I think she gave this Bible to him when he was on his way to college in Kentucky. or it's possible she gave it to him when he went into basic training for the Air Force. My father was about to be twenty years old. 

 The words written by Mamaw are as following:

My Darling

Time and miles will take us apart but while it does, I shall keep a prayer with a live light burning within my heart for you . God gave you to me and He will keep you for me. My prayers will be with you wherever you go. 

Love, Mother

(To Ivan Newlin)

March 9, 1969

My grandmother was a great woman of faith. She left a legacy of Godly love, mercy, and wisdom. I am not saying she was perfect but she was perfect to me. This prayer for my own father has a lot of meaning to me at this particular time of my life. I can only hope that both my Mamaw and Dad are looking over me, praying for me, protecting me, loving me, reminding me of who I am in God I pray that I will leave a legacy for Grant and even my own future grandchildren. I needed to see and read this today. I needed reminded......

Friday Follow Up #1

Sunday was New Year's day, of course....I am strangely glad the new year started on a Sunday this year. I had an awesome New Year's party at my house with Melody and some friends. It was probably the best New Year's eve I have had in a long time. Grant had a friend over so that helped occupy his time and attention and lessened the complaining about being "bored". I fell into bed around 2am and got enough sleep to wake up and get to church. This particular Sunday was going to be interesting for me because a certain person I thought had feelings for & stupidly shared those feelings with him in the short time he was 'single' and now was suddenly leaping back into an on again, off again type relationship with someone who shares the same name as me. I guess more than anything, my ego was bruised knowing they were back 'on' and he gets to pretend that it wouldn't make me question his motives. Never did I expect him to come up and give me a hug and wish me Happy New Year much less did I expect that I would conjure up some deep Christ like love to give "her" a hug and wish the cliche' we all are supposed to say no matter how we feel about someone. Anyway, as soon as church ended, I was out of there just so I could swallow the lump in my throat and get home to take a very much needed nap. The rest of the day I did absolutely nothing and I liked it.
Monday was a tough one to survive. I don't really know why the second day of the year is so depressing. I guess it could be that the "high" of Christmas is over and the fun of New Years came to a fast end and even quicker beginning. I spent most of the day in bed, I did get up and do dishes and collected all the garbage and pulled it to the curb. I really wanted to go to the gym and release some stress but G didn't want to be left home alone for the amount of time I wanted to be gone. I ended up ordering a pizza and renting two Redbox movies. We watched Pete's Dragon and oddly, I teared up in a few of the scenes. After that, I watched "Me before You" in my room and that was probably not a good idea to watch a sad sappy romantic movie when this girl is already feeling lonely. It was a good movie, too bad I didn't read the book beforehand but maybe I'll add to my summer reading list. It was late when the movie ended and then I started thinking about someone I am close to who has been diagnosed with breast cancer again and I started praying that God would not take her away from me this year. I don't want to see the death of anyone I love this year. I know I have no control over that but seriously, I am over the 'death' cycle for awhile.
Tuesday was a decent day. I dropped Grant off at my mom's to help her and to oversee PawPaw getting a shower. It's Grants opportunity to make a few bucks and learn that taking care of family is important. I went with Melody to her Dr. appt and she got herself a pretty purple cast on her clean broken wrist. She will be off for the next four weeks and even though I know she hates missing work, it might be a good thing for me in selfish ways. I went to pay my Kohl's bill.....ugghh, I need to get rid of that stupid credit card! I followed up with my dental office about some impressions they made on my teeth. The dental assistant called me back and said the lab did not send back a mock up of what the veneers would look like and would it be possible to come by and do another mold. So I took my happy self to the dentist office, got another mold taken and was on my way back home. Luckily, Mel was at my house napping and Grant was playing PS4. When I got back, we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner and then hit the grocery store on the way home. I loathe grocery shopping and most especially when it involves Walmart!

Wednesday met me with Grant playing a truck on me. He thought it would be a good idea to put whipped cream in my mouth while I was asleep. I wasn't really mad about it but it sorta scared me. No worries, I'll get him back. I didn't actually get out of bed until almost 11am. These holiday breaks inducemy unhealthy habit of being a night owl and then sleeping way too late. Anyway, I had to get a couple of things done so I got dressed and ran my errands. I had an eye appointment at 3pm so I dropped G of at friends house beforehand. I haven't been to my eye doctor in over a year and I was brutally honest with him and admitted that I sleep in my contacts A LOT. Anyway, my prescription for glasses has increased but my prescriptions for contacts is pretty much the same. I'm not surprised by that because my glasses are over 3 years old. Anyway, I got prescriptions for both and went on my merry way. Picked G up, stopped at home to eat a very quick dinner and then headed to church for a ministry meeting. I had to leave early because Grant wanted to attend youth group at Joy church.  Melody met me there at 7pm and we went to service. I wanted to look into what their singles group offers and possibly be a part of their events. CFC doesn't have a singles ministry and probably because there are not that many single people in my age bracket. I think it will be good for me. Better than hanging out at bars, right? Lol.....we made it home and I made myself get in bed at 930pm so I could be asleep by 1030pm.  

My plan to get to sleep early on Wednesday night did not work out. I was up until 2am. I don't know why I couldn't get to sleep but I ended up reading and journaling some scripture. I also noticed that G had left his cell phone on the table and I did a random phone check. He passed, lol.

I knew it was going to be a rough Thursday  morning for me due to lack of sleep. I saw Grant off to school and headed over to pick up Melody and go with her to a Dr appt. She can't write very well with a cast on her right hand so I was designated paperwork person. Forging her name was quite exhilarating HA!

Anyway, after that we headed over to MJ to get our nails done. My nails felt like eagle talons, way too long for me. We finished up and went back to her place. I helped her put her Elvis collectibles in a cabinet and we ate a bite of lunch. I came home and hurriedly swept & mopped the floors because I could no longer stand the filth of dirt and pet hair. I'm OCD about my floors, just ask my son. I threw in a load of laundry and changed my bed sheets. Nothing beats clean sheets when you crawl into bed. Grant arrived home from school, I was meeting girlfriends for dinner so I made sure he was set for the evening. It was a pretty full day.

Friday was interesting. Weather called for snow, a dusting I suppose....well it was just enough to be annoying and dangerous. Metro did not call school off and I made G go even though it seemed treacherous. Not even an hour later, I get a call that school will be dismissed early.  I got up, showered and knew my cat was not going to start because of the dumb battery keeps dying on me. I have a portable battery charger so I got it to start and took it straight to Gateway. I walked over to my mom's to get my other car that she drives and headed to the gym. I didn't make it because the slight hill that leads up to Planet Fitness was covered in snow and I tried twice to conquer it but it was a no go. I ended up going by the school and getting Grant out early. I didn't want him on a school bus in this weather and with the roads like they were, I don't trust a bus. We went back over to mom's, Grant helped PawPaw get a shower and I walked back to Gateway to pick up my car. I zipped on over to Walmart to grab a few things. I wanted to make chicken tortellini soup. The recipe called for Mirapoix??.....I didn't know what that was until I Googled it later. So, I do need it for the recipe and I'll have to hit Kroger tomorrow. Mom needed a much deserved break from baby Genesis so I loaded her up and all her gear and we headed home. Baby G slept an hour and a half and so did I. I played with her, loved on her, gave her a bath and tried to get her to lay down again but mom was on her way to get her. I love having her but man, babies are so much work.

I won't go into details but Grant has a meltdown over something so dumb. Then he gets disrespectful and he pushed the envelope too far and I spanked him. I hate doing that but I just cannot tolerate the disrespect. Later, he came to apologize which is good but we have got to work on the explosive anger when stupid things aggravate him. So, here I am, the first Friday night of 2017, watching endless TV shows, drinking some tea and blogging about the first week of the year. It's been busy, had its ups and downs, but we are all healthy and safe and warm.