June 30, 2004

Nine years ago on this very evening, I was preparing myself for the boy who would change my world forever. I remember vividly, sitting in his nursery and soaking up the last few moments of peace and quiet while Bill went to the airport to get my mom. I can't believe how time just ticks away and gives no consideration for our feelings of sadness when our babies grow up. It's funny the thoughts you have about your kid(s) before they are even born. I thought for sure that Grant would be a chubby little kid but instead he's a "rack of bones". I thought he would be darker in complexion and have dark eyes and dark hair. No, he's a red headed, blue eyed white boy. I thought he would be the kind of kid who would have the disease to please, but he's a strong willed, argumentative, opinionated little boy. I always tell him he needs to go into politics or be a lawyer because he can argue about anything! I know that I'm not the only mom out there who would like to change some personality flaws in their child. I think these things that wear on my nerves will eventually work in his favor but for now he can just wear me out. The things I do love about him most: he's sweet towards little ones, he's compassionate when it comes to animals, he loves his friends (even those who might get on his nerves), he loves being outside and playing, he's a fish in the summer, always wants to be in a pool., he's very smart and eager to know new things, he listens to his grandparents, he notices the most awkward and unusual things, he's thinks outside the box, he is always willing to help others but not so much with his parents, he has a wonderful imagination and is very creative (like me). There are so many other things I could name but I won't bore you. I love this boy. He is my one and only and that's okay. I pray for him and his future and protection over him. I have high hopes for him. I can't believe it's been nine years! my, my, my, it won't be long and he'll be going to college!

I don't really have a title for this post but I just need to get something off my chest.

I have learned a valuable lesson this week and sometimes that's what life does to you, just smacks you in the face with the obvious even when you want to stay in denial.

It's about what people DON"T say when you have a conversation with them. It's paying close attention to their responses when you ask them direct questions.
Why do people do this? I wish I knew. Why can't people live and speak the truth? It's very disappointing to know that you can't even acknowledge someone's capabilities and strengths.
Okay, I'm done, just had to get this out of my head.
Thanks

99.9%

So, I had to work one last day at school today. When I say "last", I really mean "last". I left the parking lot knowing I will never be hired as a teacher there unless by some miracle of God occurs. You know what though? I'm not the slightest bit upset about it. I put in three years, worked really hard to prove myself and it got me nowhere. Whatever the lesson is in this experience is yet to be revealed to me.

 The best part of working where I did, I made great friends and lasting relationships. I was available for a friend who needed someone to share her burdens and stressors with. I worked with fifth graders whom I thought would get on my nerves but ended up loving. Most importantly, my boy had a phenomenal 3rd grade year and came out shining like a star! His happiness will always be more important than mine.

I am 99.9% sure that God must have something better for me, I am just going to wait on Him.

sadness

Today is the last day of school for the boy. I'm sad he's growing up an d moving onto the next phase of childhood. There is also a lot of high school graduations going on and those parents are probably more sad than I am about their kids moving on. It just doesn't seem fair that we can't keep our kids little for as long as we'd like. I'm also a bit sad that I won't get to see the girls I work with and laugh and cut up and joke with each other. I am seriously anxious, sad, and nervous about what the next year school year holds. I am sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to my own classroom full of kids. I am sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to the fifth grade students I worked with this year. I had to help Kindergarten and didn't get to watch them "graduate". I am sad that my friend Denise won't be Grant's teacher, she is resigning to stay home and watch her babies grow. I am sad that my parents are getting older and its getting closer to time for them to leave this earth. I am sad that I can't get past myself to forgive and let live the things that have been done wrong to me in recent months. I am sad that as I sit here and type, tears well up in my eyes just thinking about how sad I am. I am sad about how much I've let my house go and not put things away. I am sad that I can't get my crap together and keep marching on. I thought I was a pretty strong person but now I'm not so sure. I am praying that God will take my sadness and use it for good. I don't really know how that will work out but I can pray for it anyway.
 

open and honest

One thing I like about having my own blog is I can say whatever I want and don't really have to care about other think. I can be open and honest. I don't have to name names or places but and for all that others know, the stories I tell are totally fictitious. I don't think there the chances are high that the situation I'm going to write about will get to the those I work with (with the exception of one, she knows who she is....wink....wink). She will keep confident of what I have to say.

I was in classroom today, teaching not "aiding". Educational assistant is my current position. That WILL change come August 1st, one way or another. The teacher I was "subbing" for is chronically late or absent. I really like this teacher as a person, they are nice and friendly. However, this teacher IS NOT a good educator. I don't feel sorry this person, I feel sorry for the kids in this class. If I were to put a label on it, it would be called educator neglect. This is not what irritates me the most though.
The one thing that chaps my hide? Administration has let this go on. It might change when school is out but this girl "ain't" holdin' her breath.
I don't understand how unfair this has come to be. Here I am, an eager teacher willing to go above and beyond to help these kiddos succeed and learn and instead they continually get looked over and their academics swept under the rug. How can this continue? I wish I knew the answer. I can only hope that Administration will wake up and realize what kind of teacher they are missing out on.
With all that I have been through and the spiritual tests I have come to learn from, I think it's due time I get on with this teaching career.
Whether it's where I am now or somewhere else is yet to be determined. Just being open and honest.

Easter 2013

Don't get me wrong, I love Easter but truly Christmas is my favorite holiday. If Jesus wasn't born, we wouldn't be able to celebrate a Risen Savior!! Right?!

It's been a quiet weekend around here which I'll take any day. Since I'm not cooking OR eating an Easter meal, there's no fuss about what to eat. Bill has to work a double today and Grant is working on a Lego set the Easter Bunny brought him. Go figure!

It's raining and yucky outside so we all are being a crew of couch potatoes. I'm working on Craft Camp stuff. I need to go to the store later and get some more sources of protein (teeheehee).

This is the first "holiday" that I haven't celebrated with food. I realize that families come together to eat and be with each other but I might be breaking the mold when it comes to things like this. Now when Grant has his own family, I'll be glad to cook holiday dinners but with just us 3 plus mom, it's not worth the effort or time.

On a final note, there are only 45 days of school left!!! Cheers to the beginning of summer AND the hopes that I will secure a full time teaching job!!!

~stuff~

Just got home this evening from vacation with the family. It's been  a long time since we've had a family vacation. It was nice to get away but I am truly a homebody. I would rather be home and have no agenda
I will be 3 weeks post op on Monday. I won't weigh again until then. It was hard to get in my 60-80grams of protein and a minimum of 64 oz of fluid. I tried hard but I know it will get better. I definitely do not want to get dehydrated or go into some vitamin deficiency that would be land me back in the hospital. I only really think about food when I am not doing something else. I can look at food and think about how it tastes but the fear of becoming deathly sick keeps me from even tasting it. Thinking about food constantly is called "head hunger" and even though my tummy doesn't desire to eat it, it's the emotional attachment to the foods I love that I have to work through.

I need to get to the gym but I am having severe hip pain from bursitis. I can't take anti-inflammatory meds and the Dr. gave me some Loritab but it's just 5mg. I am truly hoping that when I drop some more weight, it will get better but I may have to break down and go get some steroid shots.

Work starts back on Monday. Thank goodness it's only a four day work week. I probably won't be very busy and that is extremely irritating to me. I do look forward to seeing the kiddos.

Grant has his first baseball game of the season on Saturday. He's gonna look so cute!!! Can't wait to see him in action!