Do you ever get tired....?

Lately, I have been tried. Maybe I can attribute it to the chaotic beginning weeks of school and the change of schools for G. It coukd be that something is physically off in my body like low iron, but this kind of tired feels more like.....tired of being the responsible adult/parent, the single mom who is not dealing well with pre-teen attitude. It's the kind of tired where I lay in bed at night and think about all the things I should have done the day before but never got to. I get tired of laying in bed solo with no partner to vent to. No one to share my thoughts and feelings with on a daily basis.And to be brutally honest, I miss the physical touch of a man. I get tired of tackling the constant flow of laundry and dishes. The menu planning and grocery store trips can really wear me down.  I get tired of being the lawngirl, although I'd have to say the only two benefits I get from this are exercise and the sense of accomplishment. I get tired of being the one who has to deal and manage the care of an aging father in law who is falling victim to dementia and that should have never been held responsible for.

 

I get tired. I am tired.

 Tired of fielding endless and sometimes pointless questions from an over curious twelve year old. Tired of trying to explain that I am the mom and when I say "NO", I don't owe you a reason. I get tired of fighting the bed time battle. Just go to bed, you're tired! 
I get tired of fighting with the demons that try to take me down spiritually. Tired of worrying about finances and budgets and bills. 
 It would be so very nice if I could go away and truly get some rest and replenish my spirit,  feed my soul, reconnect with who I am in God's eyes, A place where  someone would take care of all my basic needs and be allowed to just rest. 

I can't be the only one who feels this way. 

Tell me, do you ever get THIS tired?

Vulnerable

I thought about writing this post for awhile now. I think that sharing painful moments of our lives can bring some healing to ourselves and maybe inspire or change someone else's perspective. It's always been a challenge for me to be vulnerable and open to sharing what has occurred in my life over the past few years. It was just two short years ago this month that my life became truly unmanageable and my world seemed to be crumbling right before my eyes. I distinctly remember working as a sub teacher at a local elementary school and I could not stop crying. It was a dark period in my life. My marriage was fractured and toxic, the tangled web of addictions was entangling the man I once loved, being a single mom and worrying about making ends meet, staying strong and protective of a precious boy who was in the middle of his parent chaos, watching my own father struggle with health issues and knowing his time on earth was coming to an end, and everything else in between created so much anxiety and depression, I just couldn't bare it any more. I called my mom on my lunch break and told her I had to go to the ER. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I had to call a time-out on my life.
I left my sub job when school was dismissed, coordinated care for Grant and my mom took me to the emergency room.  I could not stop crying! My head was pounding from bouts of an "ugly" cry to the silent whimpering coming from the deepest part of my soul. 
I was asked if I wanted to hurt myself (suicidal). I didn't think I was but I knew something in me had to change. I was also dealing with some other health issues and it was taking a toll on me. I was referred to a couple of mental health hospitals but no one had available beds that night. I had to go home and wait. I was still crying off and on. That is how depression and intense anxiety will bring you to really dark places. The following day, my mom was having hand surgery and my cousin stepped up and offered to help her there and back home safely. I received a phone call mid morning and there was a spot opening up for me at Rolling Hills in Franklin. I packed quickly and after my mom was out of surgery and recovering at my house, my cousin took me there. I won't kid you, it's pretty scary stuff not knowing what you're going into. I knew that fear wasn't as big as the fear I had if I didn't get help from people who knew how to help me. My first night there I was placed on the detox floor and my roommate was detoxing from meth. I was pretty scared and ended up crying myself to sleep. I was moved to a different floor later the next day. There were about 20 people dealing with all sorts of problems. It was an experience that helped me to realize that I wasn't alone and others had more on their plates than I did. There's a quote out there that says, "If we all threw our problems into a circle on the floor, we would go pick up our own problems." That was very true for me. All in all I spent six days there. I learned a lot about how I was coping with all the chaos in my life was extremely unhealthy and adding to the depression and anxiety I was feeling. There was group therapy where I learned about others and how fortunate I felt knowing my "stuff" wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Yes, the breakup of a marriage and family, the effects of addiction, the failing health of a parent, the raising of a child, the issues of self-deprecation......all of that is "BIG" stuff and it can take you down. Mental illness is a real thing, whatever side of the spectrum a person is on. I had to learn that my facade of being perfect in every way was destroying my soul. If you've never been in a mental health facility, it is not camp cupcake. It is a place where you have to get real about what is going on in your life and why you behave in the way you do. You have to deal with the immense pain that you have tried to hide from in very unhealthy ways. It is a place where you can deal with everything and have the support to do so.
I write all of this to say that if whoever is reading this finds themselves in a dark place with no one to talk to or get the help they need, I know where you're conning from. If you need a safe person to go to, I am here. I will listen and I won't judge. I will do what I can to get you to a better spot. 
As humans, we have to take risks in all areas. It was a risk for me to share this with all with you. But if I can help one person, then it was worth the risk of being vulnerable, honest, and open about my story
(loveyameanit)

I Remember Me

It's been way too long since I last blogged. It used to be very therapeutic, a way to vent, a way to share life, the ups and downs, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I guess I decided to fall off the blog wagon for awhile while I attended to all the "hell" I was going through. It would take me writing a 'based on a true story' novel (which I am almost sure would hit the NY Best Sellaers List) to explain it all. 
Today, I asked God to show me some things in my life that I needed clarification on. Sometimes, when yoou think you SHOULD trust your intuition, you end up not doing it. So, asking God for a "sign" so to to speak was important for me so I could make a decision. Well, thankfully this time He came through. I should have trusted my gut but as a woman who contantly second guesses herself, I ignored it and yes....now I feel really stupid. 
Which brings me to the pont of this blog title. Jennifer Hudson sings a song called "I remember Me". She wrote it after her mother and nephew were murdered by a family member. The song speaks to me becuase through her pain of losing loved ones, she still had to remember herself and what made her who she is. You see, I went through a period of time this year where I lost myself. In so many different ways. There are  various reasons and circumstances behind it but I take responsibility for my choices. I listened to that song today coming home from taking the boy to his dad's place. The thing I have to remind myself of is that I am a strong person. No matter what life has thrown at me and even how I have responded to it, has made me remember that God has used every thing to make me realize and acknowledge that I HAVE to remember me. Who I am, what I do, where I go, day in and day out. It's a turning point. Simply that....turning back to God and remembering who I am....in his eyes and in his heart. Thank you God for the ability to have intuition. Help me to not ignore it again. :D

Six Month Post Op

WOWZERS! Six month have past already!!!! Here I am.....where do I begin.....?

It's been hard, it's been easy, it's been challenging, and it's been fun....

My highest ever weight in my mid 20's was 327 lbs. That is a lot!

Feb. 1st 2013, I weighted 296
This morning Sept. 4th 2013 I weight 218.

I cannot remember the last time I was ever this "light"....probably junior high but I never weighted myself in jr. high. LOL

My goal is 190 which isn't too far off. Everyone keeps asking me how much more I want to lose but I won't be satisfied until I know in my heart that I am in the right place.

I just wish I had about 40K for plastic surgery.....obesity leaves nasty battle scars.....

I see my Dr. on the 12th. I hope he is impressed with my progress. I haven't been able to make it to support group meetings and I definitely to amp up my exercise routine. If it weren't for my hip issues, I could walk my little legs off. I need to do some toning too. I have to make time for that!

Well, I would post a pic but I'll have to do that later.....I'm on my way out the door to go sub at the middle school....7th grade English!

Scary Struggles

I have come to a decision that I never thought I would EVER have to make. I am going to divorce my husband. No, I don't want to but he has left me with no choice. You see, addiction has broken me, broken us, the US that used to be. I married Bill because he was funny, he worked hard, he loved me with all my junk, he was always willing to go the extra mile for me. Now the Bill I know is lazy, judgmental, untrustworthy, and his choices have broken my willingness to keep trying. I have done all I know to do to save my marriage. We have been in counseling going on five years. One year ago, he came home from a thirty day rehab and we were trying to get back on track. He's had more relapses than I care to count and I have tried to remain faithful and patient but recently his lack of impulse control has broken down the small steps we had made.
I am very scared (even though the bible says that we should not fear or worry). I have NEVER been on my own. I married at 20. I never lived with a roommate or experienced life on my own. It's always been us two and then along came Grant. I am totally sick about how this is going to affect him. I am a child of divorced parents, and I know how ugly it can get. I don't want it to get ugly, I want it to be amicable. I want Grant to have the best of both parents. Just because we are not together, it doesn't mean we don't want the best for him. I also worry about Bill's ongoing recovery and how he will react in the coming days. I don't think he realizes fully what his choices have caused. I hope he sticks with it, if not for himself, but for Grant.
The hardest part about all of this for me is disappointing my Savior. I feel like a failure, like I shouldn't ever give up but then I think, does my Lord want me to be in an unhappy marriage where there is no trust, no intimacy, no help. No, I think God wants me to have the very best. I am a good person with a lot of flaws that I will continue to work on the rest of my life. I am a control freak and I have very high expectations of myself and that can permeate to other people.
I want to feel like me again. I want to feel happiness and joy, not dread and despair and hopelessness. I want to feel like I have a purpose in this short journey called life.
I will be single and I will be afraid to open my heart to other men. I will be apprehensive about dating and moving on. I will have to go through a lot of counseling to understand where all of this fits into who I am.
I think about marriage differently now. I think two people have to be completely whole and know who they are inside and out. Then, they can compliment each other. In my case, it's sad to say that I was running away from a life in a small town with small ideals and I was afraid I would never make it to college and do something worthwhile in my life. Yes, I did love Bill but I was way too young. I should've waited. I should've finished school. But that is all water under the bridge. No changing that now. I can only take one day at a time. One hour at a time. I have so much to still be grateful for and I will now turn my every ounce of energy into my relationship with God and making sure my boy is happy, healthy, and safe.
That's all I know I can do. It's going to be hard and it's going to be sad. Please pray for me.
Thanks

Weekend Re-cap

WOW! it's all I can do to sit here and type out these few random thoughts. I am dead dog tired and there's so much to do to get ready for the beginning of school. But lately it seems that trivial things are not so important when compared to how close you can come to losing a parent or loved one. My dad went back into the hospital for the second time in less than 3 weeks on Thursday. I was getting prepared to have a yard sale at my house on Friday and Saturday. I had to leave Friday afternoon to make an appt. at the BOE for Metro Schools to get fingerprinted for substitute teaching. Then, I had an appt. at 3pm with my counselor, Sandy. Grant was at Lillian's trying to help her paint. I was on my way to get him when my dad called me and all I heard him say was "hospice". I just lost it. How could this be? What has happened to my strong dad? He told me a nurse would be calling me to give me some more information on what was going on and what the next steps would be. For those who read this, my dad is morbidly obese, has thirty five percent kidney function, COPD, type II diabetes, and his heart was going into congestive heart failure. These are the consequences to an addiction to food. Socially, we don't accept food as an addiction because it's something we all need to survive. My dad has been fighting and living with his addiction to food all of my life. I don't really recall my dad ever being "healthy". His obesity doesn't make me love him any less. He's still my dad. Anyway, I waited for this nurse to call me until about 6pm and then met our new church pastor at an interstate exit so he could follow me down to the VA hospital where my dad was. Pastor Seymour prayed with my dad, helped him realize that he needed to be very sure of his life after death and led him to re-commit his life to Jesus.
It was an emotional day to say the least. I went to bed with a heavy heart and so many worries about the coming days, weeks, and months. I woke up Saturday morning not really wanting to continue the yard sale. My head was still aching and I ended up falling back asleep on the couch til about 8am. My mom was here and she convinced to em to give it a go and see what happened. I had to take Grant to baseball tryouts so again, she held down thr fort while I was gone. Made it back home and wrapped the sale up around 1pm. We will try again in a few weekends. We went to the hospital to see my dad. He was breathing very hard and can't really talk for more than a minute or two without using his by-pap machine. I ended up laying next to him with my arms around his belly and cried my heart out on his chest. I told him I wasn't ready for him to leave me here. I feel guilty for all the disparaging thoughts I have had towards my dad in the past. I love him immensely but his character and personality flaws can push my buttons sometimes. We left the hospital and ended up eating at Cracker Barrel for dinner. I took my mom some of my leftovers b/c I can't eat much. We were talking on her bed and I about fell asleep. I called Bill and told him I was just going to crash at her place. Her bed is like sleeping on a cloud (if that were possible). It envelops you and it's just so comfy, like a big hug. I slept from 10pm-8am. Came home and got ready for church. Lately, I've been in a state of mind where I can't bring myself to worship God. I realize this is a terrible thing to say. Our SS class is reading this book called "Crazy Love" and it's very eye opening. I was reading it and realized that I am a lukewarm Christian. I am not where or who God has intended for me to be. I am grappling with my spiritual relationship with God and seeking to know him deeper. Anyway, I remembered that Pastor Seymour said that it's not about what we need from God, but what he needs from us. That includes worshiping him when we don't feel like it. During prayer and worship, I had to go to the alter and talk to my heavenly Papa about my earthly papa. The thought of losing my dad too soon was just unbearable. I felt so much better about the whole thing, knowing my dad re-committed himself to Christ brings peace to my mind. Right after church was over, my dad got a hold of Bill and relayed the message that his creatine levels had stabilized, his blood pressure was normal, and he was feeling a lot better. I know that only the power of praying people caused this to occur. It's amazing what perspective one can have when faced with loss of life. We are truly a vapor in the wind. We are not guaranteed another day. All we have is Jesus and he wants the very best from us. As I continue to examine my own relationship with Jesus and what it really means to be his disciple, it's easy to serve Jesus our leftovers. I have so much to be thankful for even when I'm going through a storm.

whining in the background

It's a quarter til 12am right now, I am beyond aggravated and can't settle myself down to go to bed.

Sometimes my life feels like I'm being "punked", like "no way this CANNOT really be happening to me!!" Nope, it happens and it always happens to me.

my life in chronological order today:

Woke up in excruciating pain, thought about crying but then I'd get a big headache and just moaned and groaned and yelped and you'd think that an old cat was being tortured.....

Called my PCP to see if I could get an appt. immediately.....nope not until July 22nd...FORGET IT!

Texted my Dr. friend Dr. C (she's always got my back) and she was going to squeeze me in around 1pm

Made it to water aerobics....needed to relieve some pressure on these old bones....it was fun haging out with Regina and Laurie.

Raced home to change, print off medical papers.....computer wasn't printing what I needed, Grant is hollering about how he can't get the DVD player to work

Got to the Dr. and all went smoothly....

Mom is moving her final pieces of furniture out of the basement and we were making space for the movers to come get the big pieces tonight.

We agreed that she would take me to church for VBS and I "assumed" she would be back to pick me up around 8:30 or 9:00pm. No big deal, right?

I sat at church with Grant and our youth pastor until 10:15pm. My mom thought I was already at home. All the while, I'm answering 20 million questions from the boy and he will not stop talking about anything....Thank Goodness Josh was there to filter out some of those for me.

We leave church and my mom said that one of the dogs had torn into one of her bags that had food in it and she didn't know what they might have eaten.  I drop mom off at her place, Grant is whining about how tired he is, what are we doing tomorrow, have I seen his so and so, etc.

I realize when I get out of the car that I left my cell phone sitting on the foyer table.
GREAT!
Walked through the front door and stepped in a big pile of dog poop! Just perfect!
Whatever the dog had eaten was now all over my living room floor along with shredded pieces of a plastic bag!
Grant is asking me more questions and I quietly tell him to go to bed before I lose my religion. He obliged quickly and never heard another word, no, question! grrr
Cleaned up the poo, febreezed the carpet and went downstairs to check on laundry whereupon I find a load of clothes in the dryer not yet dried and Grant never took his laundry down so it was still on the staircase!
Come upstairs, turn on the t.v. --- no go! the storm knocked it all wonky and Bill was asleep so I couldn't turn on the boobtube.
Bill gets up to leave for work, asked him to fix the t.v. and told him I was in a very bad mood
I asked him if he had taken the dogs out when he came home from VBS and of course he says No. That's why D.OG. popped in front of the door and she NEVER has accidents.
On top of all this, I can't find the only TWO phones we have in the house so I can call my mom to tell her my cell phone is at church. Bill finds the phone, I call her and she doesn't answer.

In all of this chaos, I remained calm even though on the inside, I'm seething mad

Okay, now that you've heard my whining in the background....I am going to bed!