99.9%

So, I had to work one last day at school today. When I say "last", I really mean "last". I left the parking lot knowing I will never be hired as a teacher there unless by some miracle of God occurs. You know what though? I'm not the slightest bit upset about it. I put in three years, worked really hard to prove myself and it got me nowhere. Whatever the lesson is in this experience is yet to be revealed to me.

 The best part of working where I did, I made great friends and lasting relationships. I was available for a friend who needed someone to share her burdens and stressors with. I worked with fifth graders whom I thought would get on my nerves but ended up loving. Most importantly, my boy had a phenomenal 3rd grade year and came out shining like a star! His happiness will always be more important than mine.

I am 99.9% sure that God must have something better for me, I am just going to wait on Him.

sadness

Today is the last day of school for the boy. I'm sad he's growing up an d moving onto the next phase of childhood. There is also a lot of high school graduations going on and those parents are probably more sad than I am about their kids moving on. It just doesn't seem fair that we can't keep our kids little for as long as we'd like. I'm also a bit sad that I won't get to see the girls I work with and laugh and cut up and joke with each other. I am seriously anxious, sad, and nervous about what the next year school year holds. I am sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to my own classroom full of kids. I am sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to the fifth grade students I worked with this year. I had to help Kindergarten and didn't get to watch them "graduate". I am sad that my friend Denise won't be Grant's teacher, she is resigning to stay home and watch her babies grow. I am sad that my parents are getting older and its getting closer to time for them to leave this earth. I am sad that I can't get past myself to forgive and let live the things that have been done wrong to me in recent months. I am sad that as I sit here and type, tears well up in my eyes just thinking about how sad I am. I am sad about how much I've let my house go and not put things away. I am sad that I can't get my crap together and keep marching on. I thought I was a pretty strong person but now I'm not so sure. I am praying that God will take my sadness and use it for good. I don't really know how that will work out but I can pray for it anyway.
 

open and honest

One thing I like about having my own blog is I can say whatever I want and don't really have to care about other think. I can be open and honest. I don't have to name names or places but and for all that others know, the stories I tell are totally fictitious. I don't think there the chances are high that the situation I'm going to write about will get to the those I work with (with the exception of one, she knows who she is....wink....wink). She will keep confident of what I have to say.

I was in classroom today, teaching not "aiding". Educational assistant is my current position. That WILL change come August 1st, one way or another. The teacher I was "subbing" for is chronically late or absent. I really like this teacher as a person, they are nice and friendly. However, this teacher IS NOT a good educator. I don't feel sorry this person, I feel sorry for the kids in this class. If I were to put a label on it, it would be called educator neglect. This is not what irritates me the most though.
The one thing that chaps my hide? Administration has let this go on. It might change when school is out but this girl "ain't" holdin' her breath.
I don't understand how unfair this has come to be. Here I am, an eager teacher willing to go above and beyond to help these kiddos succeed and learn and instead they continually get looked over and their academics swept under the rug. How can this continue? I wish I knew the answer. I can only hope that Administration will wake up and realize what kind of teacher they are missing out on.
With all that I have been through and the spiritual tests I have come to learn from, I think it's due time I get on with this teaching career.
Whether it's where I am now or somewhere else is yet to be determined. Just being open and honest.

Easter 2013

Don't get me wrong, I love Easter but truly Christmas is my favorite holiday. If Jesus wasn't born, we wouldn't be able to celebrate a Risen Savior!! Right?!

It's been a quiet weekend around here which I'll take any day. Since I'm not cooking OR eating an Easter meal, there's no fuss about what to eat. Bill has to work a double today and Grant is working on a Lego set the Easter Bunny brought him. Go figure!

It's raining and yucky outside so we all are being a crew of couch potatoes. I'm working on Craft Camp stuff. I need to go to the store later and get some more sources of protein (teeheehee).

This is the first "holiday" that I haven't celebrated with food. I realize that families come together to eat and be with each other but I might be breaking the mold when it comes to things like this. Now when Grant has his own family, I'll be glad to cook holiday dinners but with just us 3 plus mom, it's not worth the effort or time.

On a final note, there are only 45 days of school left!!! Cheers to the beginning of summer AND the hopes that I will secure a full time teaching job!!!

~stuff~

Just got home this evening from vacation with the family. It's been  a long time since we've had a family vacation. It was nice to get away but I am truly a homebody. I would rather be home and have no agenda
I will be 3 weeks post op on Monday. I won't weigh again until then. It was hard to get in my 60-80grams of protein and a minimum of 64 oz of fluid. I tried hard but I know it will get better. I definitely do not want to get dehydrated or go into some vitamin deficiency that would be land me back in the hospital. I only really think about food when I am not doing something else. I can look at food and think about how it tastes but the fear of becoming deathly sick keeps me from even tasting it. Thinking about food constantly is called "head hunger" and even though my tummy doesn't desire to eat it, it's the emotional attachment to the foods I love that I have to work through.

I need to get to the gym but I am having severe hip pain from bursitis. I can't take anti-inflammatory meds and the Dr. gave me some Loritab but it's just 5mg. I am truly hoping that when I drop some more weight, it will get better but I may have to break down and go get some steroid shots.

Work starts back on Monday. Thank goodness it's only a four day work week. I probably won't be very busy and that is extremely irritating to me. I do look forward to seeing the kiddos.

Grant has his first baseball game of the season on Saturday. He's gonna look so cute!!! Can't wait to see him in action!

post op

My big surgery day was Monday March 4th. I was a bit nervous about the process but thankfully I turn to memorized scriptures and hymns. The anesthesiologist had to find a vein for the IV. I think the girl who was trying to do it was a newbie...nothing wrong with that, at least she asked for help. I only remembering peaking at the OR, freaks me out, bad childhood memories from many surgeries. I remember thinking about all the stores in Providence that I would be shopping at this summer and then it was lights out for me. I don't remember waking up in my room. I was doped up on morpheme for quite some time. The nurses brought me some watered down ice chips with this sponge type brush that I could dip in the water and wet my mouth. I had terrible dry mouth and my voice was raspy because of the breathing tube. The nurses took great care of me. Most of them were really young but they knew their stuff. I was always thanking them for taking care of me. I wanted them to know how much I appreciated their hard work. I don't remember what night it was but I fell asleep with a cup of ice in my hand and spilled it on my chest. DERDUHDER! This nurse Lacole came in and got my bed changed and my gown switched out and back in bed in less than 10 minutes. Of course they wake you up every 2-4 hours to check vitals and every morning the "blood" lady came and drew blood from my arm. At least her needle sticks didn't hurt. Later in the day, this guy came and transported me to x ray and I had to drink some really nasty liquid so they could see if there were any tears. THANK GOD! no tears which meant no going back under the knife. I was completely nauseous during that whole procedure. A lady took me back to my room and I really don't remember how I got back in my bed. The nurse said I needed to start urinating within six hours and she even gave me an extra hour and still I had nothing for them. So guess what, she had to re catheterize me. And what's even better, a few student nurses were invited to watch. Ain't that grand! My hoo ha out there for everyone to see. I know it was medically necessary and they probably don't care. Then they gave me six more hours to try and pee on my own and guess what? I didn't do anything so again, Lacole, the night nurse was the only one in the room when she did that again. Finally, after several hours my bladder decided to cooperate and I peed! Thank God for small favors.
I came home on Thursday and I was in a lot of discomfort. One thing I hadn't expected was a drain port coming out of my abdomen. I have to clean and change the dressing daily, no big deal but it's unsightly and gross to drain. Again, another necessary evil. It's quite hard to hide too. I am not really embarrassed about it, I just don't want a ton of people staring at me like a weirdo.
I am down about 20lbs, not just in five days. I lost about 13lbs. before surgery and 7lbs since surgery. The pain hasn't been real bad, not any worse than my C-section or back surgery. The only other issue I have had is not being able to tolerate my protein supplement. I'm thinking I might have to change brands. The other discomfort is feeling like I have a belly ache constantly and my energy is low. I know it will all get better. So many things to look forward to. It's going to be interesting for sure!
Stay tuned!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

Tomorrow morning is my BIG surgery day....scared, nah, excited, yep, nervous, a little bit. I will be fine....God is in control.
I am very excited about the progress I will be making! Can't wait to shop for 'cuter' clothes, get rid of old clothes and be able to do more physically challenging stuff. I actually am very relaxed at the moment. I have no worries or stress. I am focusing on positive thoughts and visualizing things that meke me happy. HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!

on another note, I have a close friend who is going through some real hard stuff and I'm so worred about her. I know she's strong and will make ti through, I just don't want her to go through pain alone. I know how it is.

Well, I'll keep you posted......have to be at the hospital at 5:30am....YIKES!