HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

Tomorrow morning is my BIG surgery day....scared, nah, excited, yep, nervous, a little bit. I will be fine....God is in control.
I am very excited about the progress I will be making! Can't wait to shop for 'cuter' clothes, get rid of old clothes and be able to do more physically challenging stuff. I actually am very relaxed at the moment. I have no worries or stress. I am focusing on positive thoughts and visualizing things that meke me happy. HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!

on another note, I have a close friend who is going through some real hard stuff and I'm so worred about her. I know she's strong and will make ti through, I just don't want her to go through pain alone. I know how it is.

Well, I'll keep you posted......have to be at the hospital at 5:30am....YIKES!

hungry

Yes, I am HUNGRY! for food, real solid good food BUT....it shall wait for about 4 more weeks or so. Today has been the worst of my hunger. My head is hungry for the junk food but my stomach would just like a banana or some grapes or something with more substance. It's going to be okay, this is all a part of the process, getting to the end and knowing it's going to be beneficial in the end.
A lot of people have admired the strength I have shown just in this short period of time. My strength only has to do with one person. God and His sufficient love and grace on me. I really am beginning to feel like this is just the start of a really great year for me. Considering all that has happened in the past nine months, this milestone is definitely worth it all. I have had a few wonderful and tremendously deep "aha" moments with God and it's just so wonderful when you finally "GET IT!"
I had to praise Him in the storm and I continue to praise him during the good. I never want to forget those dark times because it is what has made me  stronger person.
I am really trying to soak up everything good that is happening even though I feel like there are million things trying to distract me from that.
I am so thankful for how far Bill and I have come in our marriage, the fact that my son is healthy and has made it through the winter without major illness and that I have some really special and fabulous friends who support me and love me no matter what size I am.
So even though I am "hungry", I am full with so many blessing. This is one more reason why I blog.....to remember that God will fill me when I am hungry!

push thru the pain

I had my pre-operative testing and procedures done on Monday. The upper GI was horrendous but I made it through. Attended a pre-op class where I felt like the information was helpful but they breezed through it very quickly. I had to have an EKG and blood drawn and made it back home before dark.
I also started my liquid pre-op diet. I felt very starved on Monday. I should have begun it on Tuesday just so I could have eaten something. Oh well, I made it through.
It is a hard thing to do to watch others eat what I so much enjoyed eating. I have to continually tell myself that I am doing this for me and to binge eat is not good and I try really hard to focus on other things. It's almost like I am breaking up with food. Like a boyfriend who treated me so unfairly and yet I couldn't leave the relationship. Food is my addiction and I have to develop new ways to cope instead of turning to unhealthy food to satisfy my emotional needs.
Yesterday was the hardest day so far. I was extremely tired, my eyes burned from feeling so exhausted. I lacked energy to do anything. Luckily, I have been painting my living room this past week and that has kept me busy. This weekend will probably be easier because I have to get my house back in order. Next week, I will plan to do better as far as planning out what I am going to drink. I hope all of this will surely help my liver to shrink.
I am also praying for a successful and speedy recovery. The worst thing I fear is being really sick from anesthesia. I hat that part. Anyway, I'm just pushing through the pain. It all be worth it when I can go shopping for a new bathing suit in June! oh, and wear Old Navy Summer dresses!!! YAY!

my first quilt

I have been meaning to blog about this quilt. I have never made a quilt and quilting is something I have always wanted to do. I am too cheap to go take classes and make something already preset. I watched a lot of YouTube vi dos and searched a lot of websites to come up with something I knew I could manage. The type of quilt is called a "jelly roll" quilt. The strops of coordinating fabric is rolled up into one big roll and you then you sew the strips together. It's not as easy as it sounds so I had to make a practice one.  learned a lot from just doing that. I finished the quilt top and could never find time to get it basted and binded before the baby girl who going to get this came into the world. I found a lady who helped me quilt it on her longarm sewing ma cine ( a huge expensive machine) ) and she basically did one side of the binding and I finished the backside by hand. that took a long time too.
I think it turned out pretty cute for a beginner quilt. I hope Baby Meredith will use it forever and pass it on to her children. Quilts are fabrics woven together with love!

it's a good thing...

A long time ago when I stayed at home, I watched Martha Stewart on television and she always ended her show with this phrase..."it's a good thing".

There are a few good things happening in my life right now, a far cry from last year and I hope this trend of "goodness" continuous because Lord knows I need to keep going and get back on the mountaintop.

First, I'd like to begin with the hubs and I. Things are going well, we are getting along a lot better and I think a big part of it is that I have really tried to bring my "control freak" nature down to a minimum. I always ask myself if the situation I'm unhappy about is worth the effort to be right. Most times it isn't. I no longer take responsibility for his actions or even his recovery. I focus on me and what I need to do to become a better person. This is not to say that we wont' ever disagree or argue about stuff. I just know we are in a better place than we were six months ago.

I have been contemplating for awhile now about starting a small photography business. I am in no way an expert photographer, I just like taking pictures and experimenting with photography. I am still learning my camera's ins and outs. I I basically just want to do it for fun and charge a minimal fee for my time. I think the pictures are near professional and as time goes on and I learn certain editing techniques, I can make them look better. I know from experience that there are a lot of people out there who wish they could afford professional pictures but can't so I think this would be a great opportunity for me to build a portfolio and maybe even go professional one day, who knows?? The part I am figuring out now is how to publicize myself and what I offer. I'm thinking about doing a Facebook page and uploading some of my work. I have created a web album and I am trying to figure out how to share that without people stealing my pics. I have coined the name "loveyameanit photography" because I always say "loveyameanit" to my family and friends. I heard a woman on a t.v. show a long time ago use this when she was saying bye to her friends and I liked it so much I use it all the time. Knda like when I say "derduhder", got that little diddy from a teacher I student taught with! Funny how we stick to little things.

So, onto some other big news! I thought this should be it's own post but I ma including it in here because well......it's all good!

Back in September, I attended a seminar at Centennial for weight loss surgery. My aunt, my brother, and my husband have all had bariatric surgery so I already knew what they would be taking about. I thought it over and wrote a long list of pros and cons about doing this myself. I had to meet certain requirements and one of those was a psychological evaluation. Well, we all know I am looney but they had to make sure I would follow plan. After a long few month and one denial of benefits from insurance, the lady I was working with at Centennial called me on January 22tn and said that insurance had approved my surgery!

So now comes the hard work and dedication and lifestyle changes amidst all he other challenges I deal with emotionally about being overweight. Don't get me wrong, I am super excited but this is like a new life chapter for me. I don't want people to think I am taking the easy way out and it's a big step towards a healthier life. I know I will stumble along the way and make mistakes and beat myself up for dumb stuff. The great thing about having this done at Centennial is the support system is out of this world! I will have access to so much support, it's unbelievable. I have my first appointment with the doctor I chose on Friday Feb. 1st. His name is Dr. Dyer and I chose him for one really important reason, he is a believer in God! He says that Jesus is his Hero! I loved that when I read it!

Anyway, for those of you who read this blog, I wanted you to know because you will be seeing gradual changes in me over the next several months and it won't be hard to notice. I have to say that I have wonderful friends and church family that I know will pray for me and be my cheerleaders!


I am still looking for that ONE job in teaching. For now, I focus on the fact that Grant has a fabulous teacher and is learning so much and even if he has to go back to a Metro school, I think he will be so successful because of the greet foundation he's had. That is what is most important to me, his happiness and weal being!

I have high hopes that 2013 will be ".....a good thing!"

Sayonara 2012

{this post was supposed to be auto-posted on New Year's Eve}

What can I say about this year?! Whew......I am so glad it's over! I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days now. I should have taken a hint from karma last New Year's Eve that this year would not go so well. Every new year brings the spark of new ideas, new goals, new plans, new hopes and new dreams. This year felt like a total nightmare if not for the grace of God and his strength that got me through it all.
January was pretty typical, I think we only got one snow day the whole time we were in school. February rolled around and my dad went into the hospital mid month and it became a touch and go situation with kidney failure and other diabetes complications. I was seriously very afraid I would lose him and I wasn't ready for that. He ended up staying in the hospital for about five weeks and another two weeks in a rehab hospital. Finally, he made it back home but he wasn't entirely out of the woods for the rest of the year. 
Bill and I started back into counseling. Married life wasn't so.....merry. I am not ashamed that I have a marriage counselor and I love her so much. She is a wonderful person and she really helps me figure stuff out. Bill had been off work since Christmas of 2010 with back pain and ended up having a second surgery in February. The stress of our finances almost pulled me under and I had to come to the terms that our debt problems were not going to be solved within a matter of years. We decided that filing for bankruptcy was the only way out. I can say that I felt a lot of shame and even though most of our friends and family don't really know this, it is quite embarrassing. I have learned a huge lesson when it comes to money and I told Bill we will never have another credit card. Not even for "emergency" situations. It just doesnt' sit well with me to owe creditors. After all this, I took over our household budget and I make a spreadsheet every month and pay as many bills online as I can. It's so much easier and faster. I don't like sitting down and writing a bunch of checks that you have to wait for to clear. We are in a much better place now and I have to say that even during this difficult financial challenge, we continued to tithe to our church. It was a real test of faith that God would meet our needs. I have no doubt that if I had quit tithing, we would be in worse shape than ever.
March and April were filled with lots of challenges, although I can't quite remember exact details. Work and life in general will keep you busy. I almost felt like a zombie through these months. Now I realize it was just a matter of surviving the storm.
At the end of May when school was over, I went around to different schools looking for a job. Hoping that the big retirement number in Wilson Co. was large, I would get something. I called and left messages, stopped by, sent numerous e-mails. I had to trust that God would find me a job.
In June, Grant went to Boy Scout day camp and we made our first trip to Church camp. That was a disappointment and I don't think we will be returning. That bums me out because I came to accept Jesus at Children's Church camp when I was eight. Maybe we will try again in a couple of years. We swam and enjoyed ourselves. I made a list of lots of things to get done around the house. Eight weeks breaks can fly by like nothing.
July 1st marked Grant's eighth birthday. We took him to Holiday World for two day of fun and excitement. I hope G only remembers the good parts of that because Bill and I weren't doing so well.
July 4th is when my life began to unravel. I had to make a decision to confront Bill about addiction...for the second go around. If you have read any of my previous posts during July and August, you know how tumultuous it was around here. Amidst all this chaos, I had to come to terms with myself in regards to having any more children. I never thought in a million years I would only have one child. I wanted at least two, maybe three but God had different plans for me. I had my own pity party in the basement, broke out in the ugly cry, prayed that God would help me understand all of this. in mid-JulyBill went into rehab for 30 days and missed out on a lot of stuff.
I spent my 35th birthday with my boy and my best friend made me a rainbow cake. She knew I needed one if at least to eat! Thanks H!
I dont' think I have ever experienced so much emotional pain and turmoil than during this period. Along with the start of school, I practically begged God to make a job appear. I needed the distraction so bad. At least I thought I did. It was hard being a parent on my own. Even though I only have one child, it's still a lot of work and energy to raise a boy.
I was hoping that a position was going to open up at WAW where I work considering there were 29 third graders in Grant's class. Again, I got the short end of the stick and they hired a retired teacher right under my nose even when I went to the Principal and politely begged to let me open another classroom. It's still hard to believe and understand why people do that to others and have no second though about the priniciple of the matter. It was then, I came to know that I don't want to work there. God spoke to me on a Sunday morning and said to me that he wasn't trying to keep me from something I wanted, he was protecting me from something I didn't want. I have to hold on to that truth because I know my future isn't going to be at WAW.
Bill came home mid August and we began to pick up the pieces. It was hard, not trusting, not knowing, being paranoid, all those feelings like before. During his absence, I continued to see our therapist. She gave me "homework" and things to consider. It's a God send to have someone to really just tell everything about. No sensors, no filters, just plain out honesty. We continue to see her and Bill has his own personal counselor who specialized in substance abuse. It is not nor will it ever be an easy task to be married, let alone married to a recovering addict. We will both have issues to work on. I just want to get back to the place we were when we first married. I pray that it will happen.
I lost my precious Mamaw on September 30, one day after I left on a "me" trip to CA. I have no regrets for not being there to pay my final respects. I want to remember her the last time I saw her, kissed her and told her I loved her which was on her 85th birthday. I even fed her some birthday cake. Those are the moments I hold onto. I know she would've wanted me to stay and take care of myself. She would have said, "Precious, you go on ahead and have yourself a good time." That's how Mamaw was, she always wanted others to be happy.
Fall came and went quickly with Fall break and Halloween. Grant was a phantom ninja. He really likes Halloween.
Thanksgiving was good; we eat spaghetti and meatballs every year. A family tradition considering I won't cook a traditional turkey dinner for a family of 3. Spaghetti fun and easy to clean up. My mom makes the meanest homemade meatballs. They are so delicious.
Christmas was great. My brother came up and spent a few nights with us. Aside from all the clutter and messiness, I tried to soak up the excitement of Grant and his expressions when he opened up all his gifts.
Bill got me several gift cards to my favorite places so that was nice. I got money from the parents and I made some homemade things for friends.
I have enjoyed being home this Christmas/New Year break. I am a homebody at heart and I love just hanging out with my boys. I think that after all that has happened this year, it's time for some mountain top experiences. It's been hard,but like Joyce Meyer says, "Your worst day with God is better than your best day without Him"
I continue to struggle with all the emotions from this year. I pray that God will renew my mind, help me forgive more easily, love more abundantly, give more generously.

Happy New Year

loveyameanit

Amanda

12.12.12

So they say this kind of phenomena won't happen again for 97 more years. I thought I would share the highlights of my day!

Woke up at 5:30am-ish
I didn't feel so great, I think it's a culmination of just being super tired of waking up so early and the bitterness of winter coming on.
I was so busy getting stuff together for the Christmas Luncheon that I forgot to brush and straighten my hair!!! Luckily, it didn't look so bad.

Got to school, did my normal daily morning duties (sitting in a classroom "looking pretty" is what I call it!)
I took my dessert to the school library for the Bake Off contest I never win (no I'm not bitter!) heehee
I made these cookie crusted peanut butter cup brownie cookie. I made these for Craft Camp and they were a hit but I guess when you have such a large crowd of people, no one is tempted to bite into something that they don't know what's in it. Oh Well!

The Staff Luncheon food was great. I ate way too much of course but I didn't go bazerck on the desserts which are definitely my weakness. The weirdest part for me is that I felt like I didn't belong there. I have spent three years at this school, been looked over twice for a position and it felt so fake to me. I really love "most" of the teachers that work there and all have them been so kind but the administration has been dis ingenious and I can't seem to get past that.
I am working on that thought and with hope I wait for God's hand in it all.

Sorry, that was a soapbox...I'll step down now.

After school, I came home and took a nap. I rarely ever do this but I think I was still feeling yucky. I woke up with a minor headache and terrible indigestion. I pushed through and ended up feeling a little better after I drank some tea.

I met my friend for dinner and then I went to church. The interim Pastor started tonight but I didn't get to meet him.

Now, I sit here, enjoying my mommy time and watching t.v. which I rarely ever get to do either.

How was your 12.12.12?